Don’t think I can survive this

[DebJPat]

My husband passed 1 week ago.  I’m trying to do all the things people suggest, but my body physically hurts. My chest, back, stomach.  Feels Like I’m having a heart attack. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I talk to him all the time begging him to show me a sign that he is with me, but so far, nothing is happening. Is this normal during grief?  I can’t possibly live like this. I wish he would just come get me. The emotional and physical pain is unbearable. 

[RichS]

Welcome to our board. The folks on this board have all experienced your current feelings. Right now, your mind and body are going through shock; which is normal. Try to reach out to family and friends during this time. Also, please continue to vent your feelings here. There are lots of kind, caring people here who get what you’re going through.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, I know it to be great, I've been doin it over 18 years now.  When I lost mine, my feet swelled so bad I thought I'd have a heart attack.  Please make a doctor's appointment to check yours out.

Physical Grief Symptoms What's Your Grief
Physical manifestations of Grief and Cortisol's effects
Physical Reactions to Loss

There are a lot of caring people on this site, they will be along shortly...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[GaryAllen]

Hi.  My wife passed a few years ago but a short answer is yes...completely normal.  It sucks, it's horrible, it takes time but stay steady--give yourself time.  You just woke up in a new reality that you didn't ask for or want, it's disorienting and confusing.  Just know you will get through this and accept that there are a lot of unknowns and that is okay for now.  Don't worry about tomorrow--just now.  Just one breath at a time.    

[DotPark]

On 11/1/2023 at 9:28 PM, DebJPat said:

My husband passed 1 week ago.  I’m trying to do all the things people suggest, but my body physically hurts. My chest, back, stomach.  Feels Like I’m having a heart attack. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I talk to him all the time begging him to show me a sign that he is with me, but so far, nothing is happening. Is this normal during grief?  I can’t possibly live like this. I wish he would just come get me. The emotional and physical pain is unbearable. 

I'm so sorry. I'm 10 weeks in, I feel you. You can't get around it...the only way is THROUGH it. Grief is like a pothole covered in black ice...some days you'll be going along just fine and then you're skidding sideways down a hill. Please try and plan some spots of joy to break up your days, like a walk or a video or something fun. I went to Dairy Queen five days in a row one week, because Tom would have wanted me to have a peanut buster parfait for dinner. Anything to distract your mind. That awful thing will still be there, it's okay to turn your back on it for the length of a movie.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss and you are so right, there's no way around this, if there was i surely would have found it by now.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[DebJPat]

On 11/2/2023 at 3:18 PM, GaryAllen said:

Hi.  My wife passed a few years ago but a short answer is yes...completely normal.  It sucks, it's horrible, it takes time but stay steady--give yourself time.  You just woke up in a new reality that you didn't ask for or want, it's disorienting and confusing.  Just know you will get through this and accept that there are a lot of unknowns and that is okay for now.  Don't worry about tomorrow--just now.  Just one breath at a time.    

Thank you. I will try to remember this

[DebJPat]

On 11/6/2023 at 2:34 PM, DotPark said:

I'm so sorry. I'm 10 weeks in, I feel you. You can't get around it...the only way is THROUGH it. Grief is like a pothole covered in black ice...some days you'll be going along just fine and then you're skidding sideways down a hill. Please try and plan some spots of joy to break up your days, like a walk or a video or something fun. I went to Dairy Queen five days in a row one week, because Tom would have wanted me to have a peanut buster parfait for dinner. Anything to distract your mind. That awful thing will still be there, it's okay to turn your back on it for the length of a movie.

Thank you. Today was the 2 week mark. No easier, still a nightmare. Most of the time I just want to lie on the couch with a blanket over my head, and for the days to pass.  
I did begin grief counseling today- but all I did was cry my way through it.   Tomorrow I’m going to try to stay busier- it was just too difficult today. 

[DotPark]

Glad you are talking to someone, that's a big step forward. Try and get out, get some air. Baby steps. ♥️

[GaryAllen]

Second to second, minute to minute, day by day.  Just take it as it comes and keep connected to those around you.   What every way you need to do it, just be good to yourself.  

[DebJPat]

4 hours ago, GaryAllen said:

Second to second, minute to minute, day by day.  Just take it as it comes and keep connected to those around you.   What every way you need to do it, just be good to yourself.  

I tend to just want to hole up in this house and never socialize again since I feel all I do is cry and am probably zero fun to be around. But today I received an unexpected invitation from my stepdaughters to join them for dinner next week. Unexpected because I had a fear they wouldn’t want anything to do with me, being their stepmom, once their dad was gone. My first reaction was to say no, but then I remembered your advice and accepted. I’m still not excited about it and dread the emotions that will happen, but I’m pushing through it.   Thank you for the nudge. 

[KayC]

Let us know how it goes and I wish you well with it.  I wouldn't do anything that made me uncomfortable but there is a fine line between that and pushing out of your cofort zone, like when I first got my own groceries or when I dined alone in a restaurant.  But you'll know which is which, listen to your gut.

[Bou]

On 11/1/2023 at 9:28 PM, DebJPat said:

My husband passed 1 week ago.  I’m trying to do all the things people suggest, but my body physically hurts. My chest, back, stomach.  Feels Like I’m having a heart attack. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I talk to him all the time begging him to show me a sign that he is with me, but so far, nothing is happening. Is this normal during grief?  I can’t possibly live like this. I wish he would just come get me. The emotional and physical pain is unbearable. 

It is awful.  We have all been there.  You have come to the right place.  Lots  of helps here.  I am not on here everyday.  I pop in and pop out when I want.  It has been a great source of comfort and knowledge from others that have been right where you are.  Hopefully you will get stronger as time moves on and can come back and be strength to someone else that will need it.  I am sorry for your loss.  Take baby steps, it will get better.  Do what you need to do to get through the day, you can do more as you feel you can and need to do more.  You will go in and out of many stages of grief..   Right now I would say you are in shock.  Don't wish for him to come get you, that would not be fair to the people still here that love and care about you.  I totally get where you are!!!  one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour, one day, one week.  Hang in there your world has been turned upside down.  

[AJ4]

It's completely normal to feel the way you feel.  And you CAN get through it.  Don't let anyone make you feel ashamed for grieving the way your grieve.  People love to tell us what to do, how to feel.  We on this board have been in your state of mind and we survived.  You just take one day at a time and feel how you feel.   Of course you are devastated, because that is your love.    

[KayC]

Yes, just do today, then get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  Look for ANYTHING good on the day and count it a small joy now that your big one is gone from here.  And don't be afraid to talk to him.  Sometimes I think that great divide can be crossed a bit, can't prove it but I've seen enough signs over the years to believe.