Members OldSweetie Posted October 30, 2023 Members Report Share Posted October 30, 2023 I can't stop thinking of all the things I complained about during the weeks prior to my Darling dying. We had just moved and I complained that the bathroom we were sharing wasn't big enough, there was only one sink, the other bathroom was too far away, yada yada yada, bitch bitch bitch. At one point he just said, "I'm sorry," in such a resigned way. That was about three days before his heart stopped beating. Why couldn't I just be happy we were together, that he was alive, that we loved each other and were just entering a new downsized phase of our lives. I just hate that I was always complaining those last few weeks. Not about him, but I think he took it that way. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post widower2 Posted October 30, 2023 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 30, 2023 Grief and regret are old dance partners. Only in hindsight do I realize how I didn't appreciate my beloved in general nearly as much as I should. And I didn't somehow grasp what she was going through or the threat to her life. I guess because I was in major denial the entire time. Or I was just stupid or it was just far too much for my brain to handle. I guess I would say allow for the fact that you're human and so imperfect and didn't do or say everything as you should have. And welcome to the human race. We're a pathetic species. That doesn't mean you're a bad person. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 30, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted October 30, 2023 6 hours ago, OldSweetie said: Why couldn't I just be happy we were together, that he was alive, that we loved each other and were just entering a new downsized phase of our lives. You were, you didn't know, how could you? Regrets are no longer once we learn from them...be easy and forgiving of yourself, I'm sure he is. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DWS Posted October 30, 2023 Members Report Share Posted October 30, 2023 10 hours ago, OldSweetie said: Why couldn't I just be happy we were together, that he was alive, that we loved each other and were just entering a new downsized phase of our lives. I just hate that I was always complaining those last few weeks. Not about him, but I think he took it that way. That kind of move for the two of you would have had its major stresses. Downsizing takes a lot of effort to let go of things and decisions of where everything is going to fit. That would have been the state of mind you were in as the two of you bravely made your way through this new phase of life. You were busy looking for ways to add more comfort to this new nest for the two of you. So much of that is just part of the ups and downs of everyday loving couple's lives. I know, right now, it all likely seems so meaningless but none of it is. Try not to have regrets about these things you were worked up about before this horrible loss. Crazy as it sounds, those will be included in the memories of your life together. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post RichS Posted October 31, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 31, 2023 On 10/29/2023 at 11:31 PM, widower2 said: I guess I would say allow for the fact that you're human and so imperfect and didn't do or say everything as you should have. And welcome to the human race. It took me a number of years as a caretaker to realize that we do as best as humanely possible. You had no idea that you would lose the love of your life so suddenly. If you did, I'm sure you wouldn't have even thought about the minor inconveniences of your new place. None of us are perfect in our relationships. We all make mistakes. These days I try to take a look at the big picture of what we had (in my case, 42 years); and try to dwell on all the good and kindness we've shown each other. Human nature being the way it is, these thoughts can really make our grieving feel even worse. Avoid allowing thoughts about the last days and weeks of your relationship cloud all the love you both shared over the years. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 31, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted October 31, 2023 Amen to that, Rich! None of us are perfect, but we sure love our spouse and they love us, no doubt about it! As perfect as we were in our relationship, we had a couple of doozy fights, I guess the passion in us, but 99% of the time we got along great. And it's so good to see our picture back up on the wall! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Roxeanne Posted October 31, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 31, 2023 We all have regrets for the words we didn't say , for the acts we didn't do! Or maybe for what we said or what we did... i felt guilt for a lot of time 'cos i was not be able to save him! It's a normal burden of the grief 'cos we think that our life together last forever! It's painful and devastating...i know! Over the time we realized that we are not superheroes, that we did all we can at the time! It's helping to know that is a common experience here for us...hope you find some comfort and help with us...everyone of us "get it"! 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 31, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted October 31, 2023 2 hours ago, Roxeanne said: i felt guilt for a lot of time 'cos i was not be able to save him! Yes, I did too. Oddly enough I have responses for pet owners going through this, but not for spouses. Here's a sampling of what I post for pet owners going through it: The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs... Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers A Dangerous Villain: Guilt Breaking the Power of Guilt A Dangerous Villain: Guilt http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html We need to tell ourselves the same thing. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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