Who Am I Without My Child?

[Tina9597]

Something I had feared every day since becoming a mom, has happened.  My 26-year-old son passed away.  He was on vacation with my sister and his best friend.  They arrived on July 10th and he passed on July 12th.  He was happy and healthy.  There were no signs or symptoms.  He died from dilated cardiomyopathy.  He couldn't be saved.  My sister called me at 2:57 a.m. on July 12th and told me that my son passed away.  Since then, I have been numb.  My son and I were very close.  People didn't really see me without my son.  We talked and saw each other practically every day.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I don't know how I am supposed to live without my son.  He was the center of our family.  He was beautiful inside and out.  He had a way of making everyone feel special.  He loved his family fiercely.  He looked out for us and protected us.  I have three other children.  We are all lost.  How do we do life without my son, their brother?  Who am I without my child?  I am lost and empty.  I am heartbroken.  The loss of my son goes beyond sadness.

[SRK1994-2023]

Hi Tina, 

I just lost my son, 28 yr old very recently too. July the 26th. His uncle found him. Of course they couldn’t see any obvious death cause so they did an autopsy. It has been over 3 months, still no cause of death determined. Apparently this is normal for the coroners report to take months. I haven’t been in a hurry for it, I mean, knowing the cause of death won’t bring him back. 
I know I don’t have the answers, I don’t really think their are. I can tell you how these past few months have been. First of all, I have felt very alone. I have wanted no comfort, help, anything from anyone unless they too have lost a child. People will say, oh when I lost my mom, or my sibling , ect… I know it’s tough. No, you have no idea how it feels and it annoys me. Some people realize the severity of the loss and how it is THE worst kind of loss anyone parent, especially the moms, that bod that straits at conception, having that child within you for 9 months, along with so many things the mother and child bond.. if you breast fed, ect… no offense to parent dads, not trying to take away from your pain, but that’s just how I feel. 

I know it hasn’t fully hit me. I can’t look at any pictures of him, I’m able to talk about him a little, have found telling people , grocery cashier, lady at target, or any stranger really if given the opportunity, I’m able to say, “my baby, he was 28, just passed away.” I don’t know why, I just feel that it helps me accept it a little more.  I have very angry days where I say FU** you , F*God, F everything and everyone. And then moments where out of nowhere, a memory pops up and for some reason, that’s particular memory, drops me to my knees and I feel like my heart is being broken all over again. I am so mad. He was the most interesting person in the way his mind worked and it amazed me at how brilliant he was. He had just graduated college. Was about to really start his life. All that work he did and sacrifices he made and for what? Just to die so young..? It makes me so sick. But I’ll try to keep this somewhat positive. 
I personally don’t know anyone in my life that has lost a child, except to maybe stillborn, crib death. As awful as that it is, to lose your child and knowing that child for so many years and all the memories, getting to see them as an adult,  the loss cannot be described, the words all associated to pain that are used, all of their meanings don’t come close to this feeling I have on the inside. I am forever changed, I will never be the same woman I was before 3:10am July 26. I have searched for support groups. But I’m not there yet. I can only live in my own grief, barely. “You need to start going through therapy “ everyone suggests… not ready for that either. I don’t even know how I put one foot in front of the other most days.. it just happens.. like being on autopilot. 
I feel like I’m rambling. I guess I feel like I need to say that I’m utterly lost and heartbroken too and that I lost my son recently too, he was youngest and we were so close too, it was just a different, deeper bond because he was so much like me and I know that he always could talk to me cause I understood exactly how his mind worked and had been through things myself. He loves me so much and I had or have never had anyone love me so deeply and thought I was the strongest, most amazing woman, person he had in his life, ever. He truly trusted me and my advice and he understood the love I had for him. I’ve never had another human being love me to that degree, including my other 2 older sons. It’s hard to explain, but it was just different. He was just getting started. Why couldn’t I have had the choice that I go instead?

I just picked up a book. The book is called “Signs” The secret language of the universe. It’s by Laura Lynne Jackson. I haven’t gotten that far into it yet, it’s  just been so hard for me to concentrate, but the little bit that I have, it has given me a little hope.. it’s something. It’s  a book on how to see the signs “language “ of our loved ones that have died  and how to be in tune with them and see the signs they give us to let us know they are still with us. If I knew he was still with me, I would still be heartbroken, but if that’s true, then maybe I will see him again one day. That has been the hardest thing about this whole process. It’s so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that he’s not here, I will never be able to hug him, call him , have those in depth conversations anymore, smell him, hear his laugh, or will never hear him say, “Ma”  “Hey, Ma” “I love you, Ma”  so, I’m desperate to find out if there really is a way to have some kind of contact by signs, or whatever it is. I just feel that if I really had to go the rest of my life having no way of ever being near him,  or that he just ceases to exist, poof, gone. Nothing. If that is how it is, I have nothing, will never try to get better, will just wait for the inevitable to come. 
Who are you now? Well, I guess within time you may find that out? I know more than anything though, this is a fact, that you are no longer that person you were before at 2:57 am on July 12. That person you knew, died the moment you heard those words of what your worst nightmares and the one thing you feared the most since becoming a mom. At least that’s how I feel. Reach out anytime and say anything you need to say. You don’t have to feel alone here because we have all been through that particular pain. Thank you for reaching out, it allows me to feel less alone just knowing that there are people that understand , that have felt this loss that words can’t even describe. There are none. I wish I had wise wisdom of advice, but I don’t. I’m thinking of you and it is so cruel that you have to go through this and you should have NEVER lost your son.