Disturbing dreams of separation

[Jemiga70]

This month Ive had 3 or 4 dreams where my wife is there, but she shuts me out or makes it known I can't go with her.  Ultimately we end up going our separate ways - against my wishes.  Always leaves me feeling empty. And angry.  I don't know what's going on.

[KayC]

It could be your subconscious aware of the two worlds not crossing, not that she's rejecting you.

[DWS]

I can see how that would be confusing and upsetting. I had two distinct dreams very similar but they were in the first few weeks of my partner's passing. They were horrible to experience because I figured that, at the very least, we could still be together in my dreams. Eventually I came to realize that it had something to do with how my mind was easing me into an acceptance of this reality. I'm uncertain why you would need to experience such unpleasantness now after so long but I wonder if it could be tied into your travel plans and exploration this winter ?? Our poor minds are so chaotic with thoughts and remembrances. 

[foreverhis]

Don't feel alone in this. 

This is copied from a previous post of mine. To say the first two nightmares were disturbing is an understatement.  Every moment of them is still seared into my conscious memory.  But I know they were my own feelings of guilt, stress, loss, and confusion over what my life had become.  Knowing that doesn't really make the memory of them easier, but it does remind me that our subconscious minds are wild and crazy things.  I don't know if telling you my experience will help, but I hope it eases your mind a bit.

Here's what I wrote some time back in response to another member worried about nightmares:

About those nightmares.  I can't say how common they are, but I can tell you about mine.  To be honest, I have no idea how many times I actually dreamed about John at first or even now.  But there are three I remember vividly because they were so upsetting that my brain yanked me out of sleep.  Like you dream of your husband, I dreamed that John was angry with me.  More, he was furious and destructive with his anger, though not violent toward me or another living being.  This behavior was so unlike him that I guess my heart was shocked into tapping my mind and saying, "Get me out of here!"  John and I didn't fight often.  We weren't perfect and we didn't always agree, but we didn't yell or scream. 

In one nightmare, he was yelling and throwing big pieces of furniture across the somehow overstuffed living room.  The moment that snapped me into waking was when I asked him if he ever loved me, he said yes, but when I asked him if he still did, he said no.  I had never known a "cold sweat" until then.  I was shaking and couldn't stop thinking about it.  In a second nightmare, he was angry and cold and distant.  The whole of it isn't as vivid to me, but the end is because it broke my heart in a different way:  I could see him in the distance making love to another woman (no one we know, just a vague "woman").  We were 100% faithful to each other for 35 years, but somehow my mind was convinced that this was him showing me that he didn't love me.   The third wasn't exactly a nightmare because John wasn't angry with me, but it was frustrating.  We were out on a ranch somewhere (probably bits and pieces of places we'd been over the decades) and riding horses (we both rode, but not much after we met and married).  Then suddenly we were running around chasing...something.  It was something we'd lost and couldn't ever quite catch again.  Lately, I have vague images and memories of "Oh, John was part of my dreams last night."  They aren't nightmares now and I couldn't tell you a single detail, just that he was somehow there and part of it.

I've come to realize that my then guilt-ridden heart and mind created scenarios out of thin air.

[KayC]

Nightmares and Bad Dreams in Grief
Coping with Dreams
control your dreams? Here's how you can -- ScienceDaily
Dream, How To Control Your (While You're Sleeping) | HuffPost

[Jemiga70]

On 10/22/2023 at 2:21 PM, KayC said:

It could be your subconscious aware of the two worlds not crossing, not that she's rejecting you.

Yes, could be.  As vivid as they have been, the dreams have not felt the same as the visitations I had early on where I felt I was in another realm and not  merely dreaming. Thank you for the links.

 

On 10/22/2023 at 6:51 PM, DWS said:

I'm uncertain why you would need to experience such unpleasantness now after so long but I wonder if it could be tied into your travel plans and exploration this winter ?? Our poor minds are so chaotic with thoughts and remembrances.

My travel plans are indeed set - and my mind is churning about how it could all turn out.  I'm going anyway.

It could be that 2.5 years isn't so long after all.  Medium Mark Anthony says on his grief page that grief takes "...sometimes up to 5 years to fully process. So, don’t put unrealistic demands upon yourself to 'get over it.' Instead let yourself heal according to your own time frame."  I suppose my brain is still working things out.

 

On 10/22/2023 at 7:55 PM, foreverhis said:

Don't feel alone in this. 

Thanks, and also for sharing your post. I'm sorry you've had to go through hellish dreams too. Your 3rd dream strikes me as symbolic.

On 10/22/2023 at 7:55 PM, foreverhis said:

Lately, I have vague images and memories of "Oh, John was part of my dreams last night."  They aren't nightmares now and I couldn't tell you a single detail, just that he was somehow there and part of it.

I have these too. So I've had what I believe are a) visitations; b) nightmares; and c) vague ones, where she isn't angry and nothing distressing happens. She's just there, but I cant remember details.