Closeness and distance since the loss

[goldberry]

Greetings fellow grieves. I am about to reach the year and a half mark since my husband died.

I wonder what those of you that are past the early acute grief have to say about your feelings regarding your perceptions about intimacy, not of the sexual variety but rather the feelings around closeness to others.  I sometimes feel like I can't resolve the yearning need for the intimacy level that I had with Les.  I know in my soul that this is gone but I find myself superimposing that need onto current relationships.

  There is part of me that still feels like this is a bad dream I may one day wake from because our lives together seem so much realer than being here without him.  I also know that this life, without Les, is what IS now and that he would want me to live it as fully as I possibly can.  So I am dating someone.  And it's of course not the same but I have trouble with projecting that want of the deep intimacy with Les onto this other person each time we take a step closer to each other.  But even with friends I feel this extreme dissonance of missing being fully Known and Seen by another versus my present reality of missing that and wrongly attempting to recreate it rather than just letting myself mourn.  Im trying to balance when to go inward to just feel the loss and when to reach out and ask for comfort.. It's so hard to reconcile being in this world and being a person who is used to being optimistic and open with the heart punch of trying to still be present, open and loving when he's physically gone.  I'd appreciate your thoughts on this.

Of course I feel all of the conflict and guilt that society puts on us for how grief should look.  I ask how can I be with someone else if I loved him so completely and am I safe to connect to another with all of this baggage.  When I imagine what my husband would say it's something like 'oh honey, wtf, I'm dead'.  He was great like that- very open and realistic.  But even writing this is a little tender because I notice no one else is talking about dating.  I am really lucky that I got a long time to say goodbye to Les and he died beautifully and I have absolutely no conflict in my heart that our love was once in a lifetime, a beautiful, magical, spiritual connection.  I like to say that he loved me so much that he filled my love tank up enough that even in my pain, there's room for love.  But it's confusing to navigate and it'll never be what it was with him.  

[KayC]

Good luck with it, I gave up on that idea years ago...

[widower2]

 

14 hours ago, goldberry said:

Greetings fellow grieves. I am about to reach the year and a half mark since my husband died.

I'm very sorry for your loss. While I have long been grateful for the people here, I hate their reason or need to be here.

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I wonder what those of you that are past the early acute grief have to say about your feelings regarding your perceptions about intimacy, not of the sexual variety but rather the feelings around closeness to others.  I sometimes feel like I can't resolve the yearning need for the intimacy level that I had with Les.  I know in my soul that this is gone but I find myself superimposing that need onto current relationships.

That is tricky, and I think tends to be trickier the younger you are. I'm not saying better or worse, just trickier. Those who are more up there in years can more easily (NOT saying "easy" of course! But easiLY) say OK, I'm nearer the end, so I can accept my final years without someone...but if you're say middle aged or even younger, that's a lot more years and a lot less inclination to do so.

I think the way to look at it is you can't have the same intimacy with anyone else, but that's OK. That thing was as unique as the two of you are. That doesn't mean you can't have some level of closeness or intimacy with someone else. It's just that it will be a different animal. 

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  There is part of me that still feels like this is a bad dream I may one day wake from

Oh boy, preach it. There is a part of me that will ALWAYS feel that way. That will never accept this, because it's far too ridiculous. No shame in that, but important I think to try to keep it in perspective.

 

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I am dating someone.  And it's of course not the same but I have trouble with projecting that want of the deep intimacy with Les onto this other person each time we take a step closer to each other.

As you say, not the same. My humble suggestion (which is much easier said than done) is think of it as something of a similar nature, but only in a very general way. Important I think to keep him in the know of the feelings you're dealing with as well. 

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Im trying to balance when to go inward to just feel the loss and when to reach out and ask for comfort..

I envy that you have that option. I would simply suggest that you go with what your gut tells you and don't worry about it being perfect.

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It's so hard to reconcile being in this world and being a person who is used to being optimistic and open with the heart punch of trying to still be present, open and loving when he's physically gone.  I'd appreciate your thoughts on this.

As a die-hard pessimist and cynic, I'm afraid I can't help there.   

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Of course I feel all of the conflict and guilt that society puts on us for how grief should look. 

Interesting; I never felt that society put any such thing on me...but I can sum up my take on that in two words: SCREW society. IMO the last thing on your mind should be how you're "supposed" to look or feel. 

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I ask how can I be with someone else if I loved him so completely and am I safe to connect to another with all of this baggage. When I imagine what my husband would say it's something like 'oh honey, wtf, I'm dead'.  He was great like that- very open and realistic. 

lol. I like this guy already.  That's basically it. Why SHOULDN'T you be with someone else? You have a choice: be with someone else or be alone (partner wise). There is IMO no pat right or wrong answer there. Some prefer to stay alone, and that's fine. But if you feel a strong enough desire to be with someone else, why not? It's not like you're "cheating" on him. He's no longer in this world, but you are. 

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But even writing this is a little tender because I notice no one else is talking about dating. 

Probably because most people here are newer to loss and so that's unthinkable for various reasons, which is understandable, and/or are older and past a point where having a new relationship appeals, again for various reasons and understandable. But it's not about them; it's about what works for YOU. Only you can answer that.

[Roxeanne]

I'd like to love someone else but unfortunately i didn't meet someone enough interesting yet...and anyway i found out that i'm always looking for my loved one...someone who resembled him inside and outside...!

So I realized that i'm not ready for someone else...'cos love someone  means have an open heart and appreciate the  guy for his good and bad.

But this is my feelings...and as Widower said well: "Why shouldn't you be with someone else? " 

My best wishes for your new life!👌

[shawnt]

That love we felt can never be replicated. That's ok ; each love is unique and has to be nurtured in its own way, in it's own time. Something new has to grow and if over time it's not enough or there isn't the magic we need then the decision is either move on or settle.     

 

It took my whole adult life to build my relationship it would be naive of me to think I could feel the same in 6 months or 3 years. The hard part is deciding if it is worth the effort and being honest with myself that I am truly open to it.

Good luck a new love is an adventure with many thrills and perils.

[DWS]

I'm glad that you posted about this type of conflict some of us begin to face. It goes along with the quandary of how to resolve the feelings of being alone and feeling lonely while not wanting another to take their place. I also ask (and often fear) how I would be able to adequately carry my grief for my partner Tom and also give loving attention to someone else. There just doesn't seem to be any clear solution for that. As you imagine your husband saying something along the lines of "go for it", in all likelihood, he along with my partner haven't been in this challenging, heartrending place so they'd likely be just as lost as us! Sadly, I could see my Tom live the rest of his days alone...and picturing that is tearing at my heart right now so maybe he's giving me some answers right there. 

[shawnt]

I try and divide the feelings of loneliness and missing her. One I can fix and the other is life-long.

The question of whether I have enough to give to someone else to be fair to their heart haunts me. Along with all the normal angst and self doubt that we all feel when we meet new people. I thought it was hard to ask someone on a date when I was young, now that I am old, fat and bald and 25+ years out of practice I am lucky if they don't laugh and point at the sad old man.

Luckily most people are kinder than that.

[Boggled]

7 hours ago, widower2 said:

Those who are more up there in years can more easily (NOT saying "easy" of course! But easiLY) say OK, I'm nearer the end, so I can accept my final years without someone...but if you're say middle aged or even younger, that's a lot more years and a lot less inclination to do so.

I thought this too, exactly.   Well said. 

Plus, life doesn't have guarantees, it does go on, there will be reaching out for comfort, and there will be all the ups ... and the downs, too.   But like Widower2 also said, SCREW society and whatever you perceive as "expectations;"  it's your life, only you can make your choices, it's you who will live with the results.

[goldberry]

I Really appreciate all of your responses.  Thank you..  It's another in the seemingly endless list of subjects/feelings/experiences that can only really be understood from inside so your words mean a lot.

I'm 55, was 53 when he died.  He was 14 years older than me.  I did not look for someone, in fact the idea of my heart ever working again seemed ludicrous.  This person literally came to my house to finish a last construction job that Les started.  I do worry that no matter what,  I'll compare them in my heart; and that is a losing contest for anyone else.  Facing life is a process for me of knowing everything will always be second best to Les' love and our connection.  My friend whose husband died in a terrible accident when she was 40, so over 12 years ago, says that will change.  I find that really hard to believe.

[KayC]

There is no reason someone shouldn't have another partner if that's what they want! I'm 71 and doubt I ever will.

[AJ4]

I know the feeling of missing that special closeness, of knowing someone and being known, missing being loved in that way.   I'm wondering about dating too.  I even had a dream last night about going on a date.  In my dream I failed spectacularly at the date:  I drove past him, hit the curb, peeled out, then came back around the block and tried to act like a person who could drive a car.  Then I called him by the wrong name.  Then I had a hard time paying attention to his interests and when I noticed him not caring about my interests I clamed up and didn't talk. Then at the end of dinner I said something like "This didn't go well, but I really like you and want to try a second date" even though I knew it was a mistake.   LIKE WTF dream-self?    

I think it's important to pay attention to your own feelings and not care about what society thinks you should be doing.  

[Boggled]

something about this topic reminds me of "Granny Mazur" .. Stephanie Plum's grandmother who came to live with Stephanie's parents after her husband died, from Janet Evanovich's comic series of novels.  Granny Mazur is constantly looking for naked men.  Considering the plain fact that the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich is as extremely popular as it is, I'd say "society" can accept all sorts of behavior.   

[RichS]

I admire those who can venture out into a new relationship, much less remarry. Instead of seeing a new relationship as unique, I would be constantly comparing that new person to Chris; which is not fair to them. We’re all different people so this is just my opinion. Widower2 makes a good point about the interest in dating waning as we get older. Again, everyone chooses their own path, but there is a tendency to feel “for what??” as we get older.

[KayC]

I don't see them lining up at my door and since I tend towards hibernation...unlike my friend who is extremely social and will start dancing, etc. regardless of where she is, and on the phone with guys...I only hope she doesn't hook up too soon and have told her it's important to get to know and accept ourselves first...it can take a few years...it's fallen on deaf ears, I just hope she doesn't make some of the mistakes I did in my grief fog.  But I guess we all create our own unique story...regardless of what we go through to get there.  I'm at peace with what is, that's something I reckon!