My english bulldog, Brady.

[clapi]

Brady was my english bulldog and he was only 5 when he passed. He had such a funny and curious personality - he made me laugh all the time. I’m sure that everyone who has owned an english bulldog can agree that they have extremely unique personalities, but Brady was like no dog i’ve met before.

Growing up, my favorite Winnie the Pooh character was Eeyore, and Brady reminded me so much of him. He was my little piglet hippo baby and I don’t feel like I can ever move on from him. I would take him to the beach and he would try to body surf the waves, he would come on every car ride I could take him on, and he would sleep with me almost every night.

He was so funny and adventurous. He would spend all day in the pool (supervised), either sitting on the elevated step with the umbrella shading him or trotting through the water and chasing after the waves he made. He was very special to everyone and extremely special to me. It felt like he could talk to me through his eyes. 

I feel a lot of guilt. He had a deep corkscrew tail that would constantly get infected and bothered him daily. We took him to the vet often and cleaned it regularly, but it was painful and uncomfortable for his entire 5 years on earth. He was a very loving, happy, excited, and talkative dog - but I had noticed he wasn’t his normal self for the last 2 years of his life. He talked less, he slept a lot more, and just had this very sad look on his face constantly. I felt like he was trying to tell me something. I brought it up numerous times with my family but everyone told me I am just paranoid and overreacting, and that he is fine.  

I was so incredibly excited and relieved when I found out in late 2021 that our family had enough to afford his half tail amputation surgery. We scheduled his surgery for mid January. 3 days before his surgery, he went in for bloodwork to make sure he was all set. His bloodwork came back and the vet let us know that something was wrong. He spent the next 3 days at the vet getting all sorts of tests done and finally we found out, on his surgery date, that he was in stage 5 of kidney failure.

We took him home that night and he immediately seemed much worse. He wouldn’t/couldn’t get up, he spent all day on the couch, he looked sick, and he wouldn’t eat. He spent the last ~10 days of life looking absolutely miserable. We put him down on January 31 2022 so he wasn’t suffering anymore. I should’ve taken him to get a cheeseburger on the way to the vet, but I didn’t even think about it. I feel so stupid for that.

My heart breaks everyday without him. It has been almost 2 years and I still feel the same gut wrenching, sick-to-my-stomach sadness I felt the day I found out he was dying. There was one night, before we found out about his diagnosis, that he wanted to sleep on my bed with me, but his tail was infected and my sheets were white. I didn’t want to get them dirty and stinky, so I tried to push Brady out of my room. He turned around and put his face in the door, staring up at me with the saddest eyes, and maintained a steady push to prevent me from closing it on him. I giggled and took a picture. I moved him and closed my door anyways. I would do absolutely anything to go in time and cuddle with him in bed.

I’m so sorry Brady, I miss you so much. I love you so much. I hope you are with me.

[KayC]

OMG, I am so sorry...what a sweet face.  They are wonderful dogs.

I feel the same way about my Arlie that died of cancer four years ago...I didn't let him in the backseat of my new car...I'd give anything to go back in time and let him be the first dog to ride in my car.  I loved Arlie more than anything in the world but that is a moment I regret and can't get back.

My heart goes out to you, I appreciate your sharing.  
The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.