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Is it selfish to grieve for a long time?


South Florida Dad

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South Florida Dad

Our 27-year-old daughter died in September of 2011. It was suicide. Eight months later, I seem to have compartmentalized my grief as best I can although at times all i need is a trigger and I fill with tears. My wife is, like most mothers, suffering the physical effects of withdrawl and separation. We're strong for each other when we each are weak and feel like breaking down. Thank god for a loving wife.

But, as time marches forward, I can't help feeling a bit selfish as I watch the news and hear about the death of another child to violence, accident or suicide. I think, OMG that poor family, I know what they are feeling and my heart breaks for them.

So, is it selfish to feel this self-pity and sadness when all around us someone needs our help? My grandfather once said to me as a young boy, "Death will come and go and we'll be sad, but death is for the dead and life is for the living." He was very wise and told horrific stories of persecution and bloodshed in Europe. his motto was, "You be the one to tell the stories. To have survived is to have won over death itself."

We are truly the survivors, and we need to tell our stories. I am glad I found this place to tell mine.

At times I lose my breath and close my eyes and beg God for one more moment with my daughter. For a brief moment hope has returned and then it's gone, just like the child we lost.

More to come...

Dad

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Dear So Florida Dad

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious daughter and am so very glad that you found this special place to share your pain, your joy, your sadness.

I lost my only child, Stephen 5 years ago and I miss him each and every moment of each and every day. The pain has gone deeper and it still catches me by surprise at times and the tears fall . Especially when a memory surfaces or a song plays. I believe we will always mourn the loss of our precious children but sharing that pain with those who understand and are walking the same road really helps.

Keep coming back and maybe one day you will post a photo or two in the gallery section It made me very happy to do that

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South Florida Dad,

Sept of 2011 ia such a short time to expect so much from yourself- not even a year.

I understand what your wise father said, but (in my opinion) that applies when death comes in the sequence it should - we die before our kids.

When our kids die before us, all time has changed - nothing is as it was.

Please be kind to yourself. My family is almost 4 years into the death of our 16 year old son, Brian from a preventable car crash. It took us about 3 years to get our heads back on straight.

Please, Please be kind to yourself. You and your wife have every right to grieve.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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No. Of course it is not selfish to grieve. In fact it is absolutely necessary. Allow yourself whatever time/manner you need to grieve and tell anyone who disagrees where to get off. Best to you.

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I also think it's not selfish to grief. We are where we are and that's where the healing begins. But I think its's not in our best and highest interests to grief for long. We believe that grief process should be long, just because so many people repeat it again and again. It's just the thought repeated enough times for it to become belief. Do you dare to question if that is true?

Please, don't get me wrong, im not here to judge or say how it should be. Im here to share my experience and belief (yes, it's belief again, but how much more empowering it is!) that it is possible to heal much quicker than they say it is. And it's not about pushing pain away, denying or repressing it. It's about looking that fear in the face and making a decision to heal. If that ability was not in you, you wouldnt be in situation to lose a child.

Your granddad was really wise man. What he said about death applies to any death - yes, even to such unnatural order of things as our children leaving first. They will always be in our hearts, even when we are completely over our grief. And just consider how much more we can serve the world and people from that perspective!

Blessings,

Inga

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"At times I lose my breath and close my eyes and beg God for one more moment with my daughter. For a brief moment hope has returned and then it's gone, just like the child we lost."

Doug ~ This thing called grief was something I had no real life experience to draw on. Yes I'd lost grandparents and parents. Those I guess I aligned with the 'natural course of life'. I grieved, I cried and then I went on living.

Losing my eldest son to suicide in 2007 however was a whole other grief. Nothing came close. In fact whereas before I returned to work, raised my family, when Mike died the world paused and made a turn into the unknown.

I don't know that we grieve for an extraordinary length of time. I do believe we are changed forever. This in itself some see as 'continuing to grieve'. Selfish, no I don't think so ~ I think of it as learning to live with an unfamilar and yes at time sad 'new normal'.

I'm glad you found us...This place was called Beyond Indigo when I found it...it fitted where I was....Its also a place to share your story, your daughters life and find comfort in being able to grieve in your own way.....Trudi B)

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