Members Popular Post StaceyBrian Posted October 13, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 13, 2023 I am new here… And yes, I am in therapy! On June 26, 2023 I lost my soulmate. This grief by far has eclipsed the death of my mother a year ago to ovarian cancer. on May 21, 2023. This was following an abrupt end to my teaching career as I moved back home to be near my parents. Daily, I go through cycles as to why I am still here. I know I have ‘work’ yet to do. I’ve been hiking, mountain biking - working a new career path.. trying, trying… but I am numb - I need to talk with someone who has lost a soulmate. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted October 13, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted October 13, 2023 I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope this site can help you in some way. It's a good group of people who "get it." 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Rey Dominguez Jr Posted October 13, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 13, 2023 My wife, Veronica, passed away on June 27, 2023. My own perspective at this point is one of sadness at her not being here anymore, not here to share things with or to get frustrated with. There is nothing to look forward to without her. I was Veronica’s caretaker for about the last 10 years due to her health issues. Now that she is gone, I don’t know who I am. I miss her so much and little things can trigger a flood of memories anytime. I feel like I am existing, day-to-day, not really living. I volunteer with the Red Cross but then I come home and Veronica is not here to share my day with. I know she is at peace and not suffering anymore from her health issues, but the selfish part me wanted more time with her. My head knows she can’t be here anymore, but in my heart I find it surreal that she is gone and never coming back home. You are not alone. 5 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 13, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted October 13, 2023 I am so sorry for your loss. You have found the right place, this is like a grief family from all over the world and we "get it." The myriad of emotions I hope you will continue to come here to read and post. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post ThereIsAField Posted October 13, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 13, 2023 Losing a soulmate is a special sort of pain. You're amongst people who "get it" here. 🧡 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post William M Posted October 15, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 15, 2023 I'm sorry this has happened I didn't seek any professional therapy . I strongly felt, and still do, that (for me personally), finding comfort by speaking to, and reading about others that are in the same situation as me, was what I really needed. As a matter of fact, I found that the closer their situation was/is to mine, the greater the comfort I felt. I didn't need counseling, I just needed to know that I wasn't the only one that was trapped in this twilight zone nightmare. Even in a room full of family and friends I was all by myself. I was trapped on the other side of a giant wall from their reality. They just didn't truly "know" where I was. It is also therapeutic to have someone you can talk to about you feelings. I could tell that family, though caring, were very uncomfortable with these type of conversations. Thankfully, I somehow found this group, and I was able to find others trapped with me on my side of the wall. They "got it" and they understood. The group here has helped save my sanity and perhaps at times even my life......... I hope you find comfort here too! 0 9 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post StaceyBrian Posted October 16, 2023 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 16, 2023 William, Thank you. Yes, so far I have found great comfort coming here and reading the stories of others who have gone through the same thing. It is exactly like twilight zone where everything is muted, no hunger… I cut myself the other day, and didn’t even realize it until I saw dried blood on my hands and things I had touched. Being at Brian’s celebration of life was so surreal, and though I was drinking only water, I felt drugged. People were sharing memories and laughing, and I would manage a smile. When I tried to share, my throat ached and tightened, causing my voice to change, revealing my depth of emotion, and like you, I could tell it made Brian’s family and friends uncomfortable. Luckily the occasion was outside, or I would have fled. With the exception of our home, I feel closer to Brian outside where we used to ride our mountain bikes, hike, take long walks…. At first I tried to keep busy, seeing people, traveling, working, helping my elderly Dad. Grief does hunt one down. Came down with COVID for the first time… and the fatigue still lingers. I’ve been spending quite a bit of time outside, and will continue to do so this winter… during the holidays. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 16, 2023 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 16, 2023 Stacey, Even though it was 18 years ago and we were still what I'd consider young, I remember everything like it was yesterday, my feelings, thoughts, people's responses, everything. It feels like a far away movie I once watched...our life together. We had different pets then. I couldn't keep his garden alive. I mowed the law, took the car in for oil changes, no longer had him to discuss things with, cuddle with. I sleep on our reclining loveseat now, the bed was an empty reminder that I am alone. Thank God for my dog. Somehow I've made it through all these years making decisions, budgeting, surgery, broken bones, storms, burying pets, my other family members have died, one by one, only have a couple left now aside from my kids. It's weird to do all these years without him, but what choice do we have? One day at a time. Surviving. Is this living? It's not living like we did, that's for sure, I've learned to embrace whatever good that comes, recognize and appreciate it. I'd like to die here, in our "home in the clouds" as he called it, I don't know if I can. The journey has evolved as I've grown older and gone through different phases of my life. It is what it is. I feel for you, going through the memorial...feeling somewhat outcast and alone as you might...do people think this is a picnic for us? I can assure them, it is not. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post shawnt Posted October 16, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 16, 2023 People want us to be who we have always been. That applies the most to family and loved ones, they are also grieving and the radical change in us because we lost our best part is to much. My children need me now more than ever without their mother, my inlaws need to lean on me, I knew her best and I\we can give comfort where no one else can. As for us; I am afraid we walk alone. The only people who know our agony are others on this same path and the only help we can give is to acknowledge each other's pain and take comfort that most of them have come farther than we have and are still walking, some have found new joy. 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 16, 2023 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 16, 2023 Thinking always of tnd and John, and my person on my other grief site. So hard to get close to them and they drop off... 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Sar123 Posted October 18, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 18, 2023 So sorry for your loss. In the beginning, two of my friends who are also widows helped me the most especially through the worst of it last winter. They knew what it was like to lose their beloved. Family and friends could only sympathize. It wasn’t what I needed and I didn’t find much comfort in it. At the time, I didn’t want grief counseling or a grief support group which was offered through hospice. It turns out I just wasn’t ready for it. Like you, I kept busy. It helped me get through the winter. The nights continue to be the worst for me- I miss him so much! I still ask- how did this happen? How can this be real? It felt like I was doing okay until October came. October is the month we found out he had a mass on his pancreas and it was inoperable. He went through two different chemos and radiation only to find out a year later (in October of course) that it had spread and the end was near. Fall was his absolute favorite season and cancer kept him from enjoying it the last two years of his life. Anyway, October was bringing me down to where I was last winter and I wasn’t sure how to get through this rough patch. It’s been hard to find a reason to carry on so I decided to contact the grief counselor from hospice. She has helped me in finding ways to deal with all of this. During the session she asked if I wanted to join a grief support group that is starting soon. I said i would like that. It’s remote with a small group of 4 people. I’ll find out if it’s something I want to participate in or not. It’s only for 5 weeks which works for me. The people here have been very helpful. They have brought up books on grief and one particular video called “Widowhood Summed up.” It’s read by John Schneider who recently lost his wife. If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth checking out. It’s painful to watch, but it describes what we’re going through so well. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 18, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted October 18, 2023 9 hours ago, Sar123 said: They have brought up books on grief and one particular video called “Widowhood Summed up.” It’s read by John Schneider who recently lost his wife. I'm so glad you're getting some help and more ready for it. Thinking of you as you go through this and hoping it helps. Thank you for sharing this recommendation! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RichS Posted October 23, 2023 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2023 Welcome to our board of caring and sympathetic people. Please continue to post here. In some ways we are counselors for each other on this board. Others inspire us by sharing their feelings here; and hopefully we can sometimes do the same for others. Kind of sums up why I’ve been a member here for almost a year and have learned a lot from others during this time. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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