Members Popular Post OldSweetie Posted October 12, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 12, 2023 My life partner of 16 years and I had just come in from sitting on our deck, stargazing, drinking some delicious wine, talking about our plans for the upcoming week. It was this past Saturday night, anticipating the coming Ring of Fire eclipse. We went inside to shut down the house and go to bed. He turned on the TV, a thing we do to finish our nights. I went into the bathroom to perform my nightly "beauty" rituals. When I came out, maybe four minutes later, he was stretched across the bed at an awkward angle, and he was clearly dead. He hadn't made a sound. I immediately began my feeble effort at CPR. Of course, I was overwrought, begging him to come back to me. When I got nothing from my chest pumps and mouth to mouth, I dialed 911. They were here in 5 minutes, but they could not revive him either. He was a young 76-year old man, always active, friendly, vigorous. We have just moved to this new 55+ neighborhood in a new town. Most all of our relatives are either gone or live far away. We had already begun to feel like a part of the community here. People have paraded through in the past few days, laden with food I don't need, and with all the right things to say, sweet, good people with the best intentions, but I don't know any of them well enough yet to cry on their shoulder. I feel more alone than I ever have in my entire life. And the images of that night, just four nights ago, are haunting me. I do very little else but cry. I haven't had the television on since last Saturday night when he turned it on to help us wind down our evening. I drank the last of the coffee he made yesterday, doling it out from a pitcher I put in the fridge. I washed the last set of clothes he wore. I can still smell him on his pillow and I sleep with that or try to sleep. I feel like there's a huge hole in my heart and I'm having a hard time seeing the way forward without him. I hope this forum can help in some way. My son was here for the first few days but he lives 1700 miles away and had to go back to work. I have a close friend coming from Phoenix in three days, but this interim time is filled with the haunting images of that unbelievable, shocking night. My mind is on a constant loop, going over it and over it, how and why did it happen. He hadn't seemed to be feeling bad. He never complained. He had grubbed out tree stumps that very afternoon. I feel like a zombie, scatter-brained, and sleepwalking through each endless hour. I'm desperate for any suggestions for how to cope. I'm not a religious person (do I have to be to participate in this forum?). I've always been grounded and logical, but this whole thing defies logic for me. I want my "Old Darlin'" back. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 12, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted October 12, 2023 Keep posting and reading, and no you don't have to be religious, we only ask tolerance between our members of differing beliefs and for those who believe to tone it doqn all feel comfortable. Those images can be haunting, it's been 18 years since I lost my husband on Father's Day. This is a journey that has a beginning but not an ending, but it does evolve with time and eventually we adjust better, but oh man are those early years hard to ge through. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post DWS Posted October 12, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 12, 2023 I am so sorry for this horrible and immediate tragedy that happened just a few days ago. I know that you are desperate for words on how to cope but the only suggestion at this point is to be very gentle, careful and caring of yourself. Right now, you are most likely in shock. The rational you might disagree and say "no, I know what happened...I am not in shock" but this is a time where the mind and body are in full crisis mode. Understanding this may help a little. You write vividly and express beautifully so that will help too because all of us here learn that our hearts need to tell the world of this pain. It's unfair and surreal. We feel helpless and hopeless....but it all starts to make a bit of sense once we realize that it is love for our partners and spouses that has us here now. That's why we grieve and understanding that key aspect eventually does help us cope. That love becomes our strength. I am glad that you have neighbours that have caring concerns for you. There will be awkwardness there for sure since you don't know them well but trust that they have the best interests for you right now. Thankfully, your close friend will be there with you shortly. In the difficult meantime, most of us here find some solace reading about grief, viewing the many Youtube videos on the subject, and posting our thoughts and questions on this forum. This is all because we desperately look for answers and advice. My heart sincerely goes out to you. Don 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted October 12, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 12, 2023 Old Sweetie, I am so sorry for your loss. We understand how difficult it is to find your bearings right now. Our lives have been shattered too. Be kind and understanding to yourself. You have suffered a terrible blow and it really is a sort of traumatic brain injury. You may find it is very difficult to do simple things. For example, I would turn on the stove to make some tea and forget to put the kettle on the burner. Your brain is not working like it did last week. Be kind to yourself. Give your brain time to heal. You may not be able to focus on reading or follow along on a TV show. All normal. But understand your focus and attention are also reduced when you are driving your car. So be extra careful. For the next few weeks, do only those things that have to be done. Let the things that can wait, wait. Focus on just getting through today. Your mind may struggle to make sense of what happened by assigning blame. I must have done something wrong. Why didn't I see? Why didn't I do things differently? This is really common. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't blame yourself. (Easier said than done.) Come here to share memories, vent, rage whatever you are feeling. This loss is life-shattering and it will take time for you to find your path forward. None of us ever wanted to be on this grief journey, but here we are. We are sorry you have joined us, but we will provide what comfort we can as we share our experiences. Just knowing you are not alone in how you are feeling can help. Welcome. Gail 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted October 12, 2023 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2023 So sorry...sudden loss are terribly shocking and painful!! I've been haunted by that night for a long time...our brain try to understand something that is inexpicable! Be kind to yourself, it's normal feeling haunted! All you are feeling is normal...I found some help and consolation from a book of Joan Didion: "The year of magical thinking". She suddenly lost her husband too! Hope you can find some comfort with us, our life was shattered and we know the awful pain! Hugs Roxi 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jemiga70 Posted October 13, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 13, 2023 @OldSweetie My heart goes out to you. I too lost my beloved suddenly and inexplicably. I watched helplessly as she passed in front of me preparing for ICU. We were together 15 years. It is a terrible trauma. As DWS said upthread, you are probably in shock. Those early days, weeks, months are cruel. Just put yourself first, be patient with yourself, do only what's absolutely necessary and accept help when offered. Don't be surprised if your concentration is shot. Take extra care when doing things that require focus, or avoid doing them if you can. Postpone any major financial decisions for as long as possible if you can. Lean on a trusted friend or family member if you're struggling to make decisions of any sort. YouTube has videos on grief and sudden loss that you might find helpful. Joining this forum and reading / posting helped me. Perhaps it will help you too. Hugs, 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ThereIsAField Posted October 13, 2023 Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2023 I'm sorry you're going through this and that it's still so shocking and raw. People here know what it's like (unfortunately and fortunately). Feel free to share whatever you're going through on this grieving journey. 🧡 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Sheilz Posted October 14, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 14, 2023 I'm so sorry for your sudden loss. I've been down that road too. My husband of 30 years died suddenly. He walked outside to do yardwork with me putting on my sneakers & following him. Maybe 3 minutes at most. He never made the yard. Was found laying in the garage... and I knew. My feeble attempts at CPR didn't work either. He was a healthy, active 68 year old. I'm 5 months in on this journey & I'm still "not ok". But everyone is different. This site helped. So I have no helpful "hints" on how to carry on because I'm still crying daily & in a deep fog. For me house maintenance is a big chore that I hate & it has really been knocking me down. So at this terrible time I send you hugs & prayers that you are gentle with yourself and just concentrate on self care. Eat, sleep, drink, etc. I am truly sorry for your loss. 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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