My mom

[Gunner]

I don't know where to begin. I have such a complicated family. Years of drama. Years of conflicting feelings. Years of battling each other. But we all still love each other. And now my mom is dead. I don't like talking about my feelings very much. I don't have many close friends. I just found this website, and perhaps it'll be ok to share a bit on here. I would like to receive some objective thoughts. The past few years I have started trying to trust in God. I've been reciting a few passages a lot these last couple days and praying.

I just lost my mom on Sunday. She was 47. She overdosed on fentanyl. She was brought back for I don't know how long with Narcan. But she then passed after she took more fentanyl while in the hospital. I feel mad at her and devastated that she's gone at the same time. She had been battling with addiction for many years now. I feel lost without her. For all her faults she was my anchor. I could never hate her for what she had been doing. Throughout her battle she still loved her kids dearly. She never stopped supporting us. I just wish she had been better to herself. She deserved so much more. She had a true heart of gold. She never had ill intentions to anyone unless they messed with her family. She was the kind of person who would pick up trash on the side of the road just because. That would give everything she had to someone in need. I wish I could have done more to help her.

I lost her on sunday 10/9/23. I had gone to church that afternoon with my biodad and his family. Afterwards, I met up with my stepdad and my younger brothers. We went and had dinner and then went to the arcade. It was at the arcade that I got the phone call from my older sister. She told us what had happened. My mom and her boyfriend were pronounced dead on site. They brought her back with narcan, and then she was gone again. Her boyfriend survived. I didn't know what to think. I had expected this outcome a few years ago. But for it to actually happen. My brothers were in shock. They started yelling and crying. I didn't cry then. I tried to remain calm.

I felt I had done all that I could. I'm 24 years old. Since I was 16 my mom has been homeless. She separated from my dad around that time and started dating this guy who was practically a drug buddy. She said she loved him and they're married although she's still legally married to my dad. There had been a couple of times where we thought we might be able to bring her back to us. Where maybe she might quit using. But she never did stop. For most of her life, my mom has had severe back pain. Something to do with missing discs between her vertebrae. It was a descent into addiction. Starting from regular pain meds, to vicodin, to meth, all the way to fentanyl. I would have never believed she was using needles. She hated them.

If only I had reached out to her more. If I had just sat her down and tried to convince her to go to rehab. If only I had done this. I understand that these thoughts aren't going to help but they're all I've been having. Those and why weren't we enough for you mom? I know you were smarter than this. How could you leave us so soon before you had to chance to see what we would become. Whats going to happen to us now? My younger brother is still homeless. He has a pitbull that he wont get rid of. I wasn't able to find anywhere that would rent to anyone with a pitbull. My brother was staying with our mom because he was concerned about her drug use and wanted to help her in any way possible. I'm sure he feels like he failed her even more than I do.

I'm sorry for the mess up there. Thank you for reading. God help my family please.

[KayC]

Wow, that's really rough.  I am so sorry for your loss.  We go through all the what ifs because we don't like the ending we got, but the truth is, no matter what, you wouldn't have changed the outcome because they do what they do and you tried and where did it get you.  People bent on taking drugs, take them.

This is the part that kills me.

32 minutes ago, Gunner said:

why weren't we enough for you mom?

I am so sorry this is how you're feeling.  What do you think your mom would say to you if you asked her that?

I think she would be very remorseful and apologize and tell you you ARE enough, it was her issues, and she wishes she'd have made different choices.

Praying for your family and hoping you can find a way...

[Gunner]

Thank you for your kind words. I do believe that's how she would respond if asked that. It's been five days now. It still hurts so badly. Every time I'm alone I start crying. Everything seems to remind me of her. I cry on the way to work, then I try to shift into work mode and act ok. I work in food service so I have to put on a smile and take orders and wish people a good day and stuff. It's so hard sometimes. I'm thankful that my coworkers understand and are taking on more hours so I can go home. I'm the general manager of our store, but I'm having serious doubts about it now. I just don't have the heart in my right now to lead my team. I am trying my best but I feel like I'm continuously projecting a negative aura. I've been thinking of stepping down from my position. I still need to work, but I think I need to take time away so I can go be with my family. I went after work yesterday night to my dad and brothers apartment and spent the night there. I immediately felt a bit better just being near them. We talked a little bit. Shared some stories about my mom. How she would cook for us. Towards the end of the life, she would cook quite often for us since we all worked and she didn't. Sometimes she would make stuff that was almost inedible lol. My mom's style of cooking was to throw whatever she thought was good into the pot or pan and mix it together. I would give anything for that right now, I'd smile and say "thank you mom" and eat every last bit of it...

[Purple Grandma]

It's good that you have your Dad and sibs for comfort. Spend more time with them when you can. Make sure to take care of yourself. I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. Your Mom knows how much you loved her and still love her. She sounds like an amazing person with a terrible addiction. I hope you can find the strength to cope in healthy ways. Your Mom would want that for you.

[Gunner]

Thank you. These past 10 days have felt surreal. Yesterday we had the visiting at the funeral home. It was just my sibs, dad, and I. My older sister and my brother in law came as well. My mother's brothers and sisters did not show up. I don't really know what to make of that. My mom had a complicated relationship with them. My dad told me that my mom had asked her older brother for help getting into rehab a couple of years ago and he said no. So, I really don't know how to feel about that. The visiting was an experience. It was my first time seeing a dead body. It was my mom. But she was obviously gone. I don't want to get into specifics. But right as we entered the room, there she was. My mom. She looked just like how I last saw her. I had heard from some people that they had nightmares after a visiting, that the person would look horrendous. But my mom was relatively healthy until the end. To me, she just looked my beautiful mom, in her final rest. It was a tiny room, we all entered together and walked up to her. For most of us, we practically instantly broke. Even my dad who I don't see cry much couldn't hold it in. I hadn't seen my mom in over a month, this was real. My sister brought some flowers and my dad got her a little spongebob plushie to send her off with. We all cried together. This was the first time in I think almost 10 years that all 6 of us were in the same room again. It took one of us dying to bring us back together. I wish it hadn't come to this. I had to exit the room after a bit. It hurt to look at my mom for too long. After I left we took turns saying our goodbyes in private. I went back in by myself before the 30 minutes was up and told my mom thank you for raising me to be the person I am, and until we meet again. I love you mom.

It's only been a day since the viewing. I've kind of felt like I've been on pause. Writing all this here is kind of bringing the feelings back out. I have really found this here to help a bit. Going through this has also changed how I think about certain things. I have lost interest in working tons of hours to save up money. Money comes and goes. I would like to visit my family more often. My nieces are already 7 and 4. I've only seen them a handful of times. I want to go to church more often, I want to go to midweek and get plugged in. I don't want to have regrets when I inevitably lose someone again.

[Purple Grandma]

Hi Gunner, it sounds like you are having a change in perspective about life and what's important. I feel like you do now, that people, experiences and memories are more important that money or things. It's so easy to fall into the trap of working harder and more hours just to make more money. But you are right, money comes and goes. People and relationships are what matters. Losing someone as precious as your beautiful Mom has changed you and you are going in a direction now that will bring you a higher level of life satisfaction as you put more of your energy into making connections with loved ones. I am sending you a BIG hug!!