Not sure where else to turn, trying to help my dad with grief.

[AJH]

It's been almost a month since my stepmom (my dad's fiancee, never got married officially) passed away. 

Things have been tough, but I care more about how my dad is feeling about everything than my own feelings about it. He obviously hasn't been doing okay, but the thing is, I've started feeling more like a non-romantic replacement for my stepmom in his eyes, mainly with how much he vents to me. It isn't that I don't want to be there for him, but I'm 19 years old and I don't feel like I'm in the position to help. He started doing better as time went on, but all of his wounds got reopened about it the past couple of days with him clashing with her family (it's a long story that I'm not all that comfortable disclosing so openly.) and he asked me to stay with him so he doesn't feel alone and almost this entire time he's been venting to me nonstop and disclosing some uncomfortable details about their relationship and things of the like. He's also starting to drink again, which scares me considering his past with alcoholism. I feel like I need to be the responsible one and help him seek help because I know he refuses to. I just want him to be okay. I want to help him as much as I can because I know it's hard for him to deal with this all by himself. 

 

I don't think I can carry all this weight. Despite the fact my biological mom constantly used me as her therapist from the ages of 8 to 18, I just can't go through that again. Grief is hard for me to navigate, let alone help someone who is grieving worse than I am. 

 

I hope I don't sound selfish. I would give anything just to ensure my dad's happiness and overall well-being, but I realistically don't think I can help him the way I want to, and the way he thinks I can. I don't know what to do.

[KayC]

I would refer him to grief counseling.

[widower2]

First, I'm sorry for all you're going through. Second, you're being anything but selfish. In fact, it sounds like you've been the extremely UNselfish one and frankly your parents, to some degree or other though they may not have meant to be, were and/or are being selfish. You dad is suffering, but so are you (in fact partly because you see him suffering) and he needs to realize that. It's unfair to unload all of that on anyone, but especially someone younger as yourself. You're his child, not his therapist, and he needs to get that. 

It can be hard to talk direct about this stuff, so one thought is basically tell him what you said here, but in a letter, or email, or even text (I suggest whatever he's more comfortable with if possible). That way, you can collect your thoughts and figure out how to say it just the way you want, and he can read it and think about it before responding too quickly. Tell him that you realize he's hurting a lot and you'll try to be there for him, but you're hurting a lot too, so who are you supposed to unload on? You can't do it all. And that you're scared about him starting to drink again, as you said, given his past. 

Finally, as Kay said, he definitely needs some kind of counseling or guidance in dealing with this. It might help you as well; maybe he'd take it better if you suggested you go together?