Book about post-traumatic growth

[ThereIsAField]

https://www.amazon.com/Different-after-You-Rediscovering-Yourself-ebook/dp/B09PLN6BG6

I'm finding this book about post-traumatic growth after loss of a partner very helpful.

For me, it strikes just the right balance bewteen "NO I DO NOT WANT TO BUILD A NEW LIFE" and "finding a way to gently and genuinely grow will give me peace, love and relief and I need to honor that I'm still alive and breathing and feeling and even if I reach out to life, my lost love will always be in my heart"

I got the audio-book version of it... Somehow, someone reading to me/ speaking to me about these themes is so soothing while trying to summon the concentration to read more than half a page of a book feels like a tedious chore.

Here's a video of the author speaking about the book

 

[shawnt]

Yes some very helpful parts of that book for me.

[RichS]

Thanks for sharing this information. It’s a topic that I need to explore. While I’ve accepted that my wife is gone, I’m still struggling with where my life goes as I’m currently “stuck moving forward”, if that makes any sense.

[KayC]

Yes, we welcome people sharing what is helping them.

[RichS]

ThereIsAField:  I think you did a good job summarizing this book. I’m just about finished reading it; and agree that we will always carry our losses in our hearts. Some of us will move forward and find a purpose in our lives as the years go by. Others not so much. And that is OK. We get to choose. The author is honest about how this is hard work; and that she often had struggles with this in her journey.

[goldberry]

Thank you for the book suggestion.  I found some things in it helpful, and some frustrating.  It sparked an idea and I wonder if any of you have had similar thoughts.  First a quick observation on the frustration...Did anyone else get rubbed the wrong way by the chapters on the author having issues with Too Many people weighing in on her grief? I know this is a trigger of mine in particular because my experience was so diametrically opposed.  I felt abandoned after his death by people that I believed were close to me.  I know many of you have expressed similar feelings of loss.  To be fair, I stopped at the part of the book where she starts talking about finding a new you ti give myself some digestion time, so maybe I missed something later.

 

Ok on to my thought.  Wondering if anyone has done or has considered throwing the old them a funeral or ritual of sorts? I'm just playing with this and as of now, I don't know what that would look like but it intrigues me.  A way to mark the end of my being the old me before he died and to honor that.   

[RichS]

1 hour ago, goldberry said:

To be fair, I stopped at the part of the book where she starts talking about finding a new you ti give myself some digestion time, so maybe I missed something later.

I do have to admit, she starts getting a little too pushy with this. After thinking about it, I realized that it was something important to to her; as was the fact that she mentioned that finding a new love in her life was one of her goals as well. Again, that's a personal choice. She seems to be a high energy person who likes to keep busy and accomplish things. At the same time she seems to be a very honest author; admitting that the grief after her loss was difficult as was finding the "new you."

 

2 hours ago, goldberry said:

Ok on to my thought.  Wondering if anyone has done or has considered throwing the old them a funeral or ritual of sorts? I'm just playing with this and as of now, I don't know what that would look like but it intrigues me.  A way to mark the end of my being the old me before he died and to honor that.   

If this is important to you and it brings you peace of mind, I would do it. The details are not as important as the reason for doing it.

[ThereIsAField]

21 hours ago, goldberry said:

Ok on to my thought.  Wondering if anyone has done or has considered throwing the old them a funeral or ritual of sorts? I'm just playing with this and as of now, I don't know what that would look like but it intrigues me.  A way to mark the end of my being the old me before he died and to honor that.   

Hi Goldberry,

This was a hugely important part of the book for me too. I've been saying this to all the people in my life... That I feel like "the old me has died". I have people telling me that that's impossible, that I'm exaggerating, that it's no wonder I'm depressed if I think like this... The only people who get it are, well, the people who "get it" because they've gone through it too, like the people here.

For a long time I doubted myself and thought I was going crazy for feeling like the old me is dead. And getting so much feedback that it's wrong/ crazy to think like that, I kept trying to move away from this thought/ feeling, but it's constantly with me.

The way the author wrote about it in such detail finally gave me the "permission" to say it's true... The old me is dead... I can accept it and "let go" of the old me... And the idea of building a new me actually feels do-able and positive... What seemed like an impossible task was to try and "rescussitate" the old me, like everyone was telling me I had to... It was an impossible bind...

I would like to have a ritual for it... I don't really have any ideas for that right now tho... I think I'm just gathering countless little things as each day passes that are part of the "new me" and letting go of things that were part of the "old me" and allowing those things to sink in. It feels so right, so healing.

This is one of the reasons I'm incredibly grateful for this book... I don't know if I would have been able to take this healing step, otherwise.

The fact that other people here or other people who are grieving have also said they feel like the old them died, didn't help me much. It helped a bit, but according to everyone else, those people were also "crazy" for thinking that way... Sigh...

Somehow, this author put it in just the right words with exactly the right details and ideas that it resonated so deeply with me that I finally felt able to accept this and to take this healing step, without which I don't think I could have survived long-term.

 

As for the chapter that grated on you about people being nosy... I remember thinking "Huh weird... She has some really strange people in her life..." but I didn't compare it to my own situation. I figured maybe she just comes from a totally different walk of life than I do... I don't live in "suburbia" and she seemed to live the 100% suburbia life... So maybe I just put it down to that and was thankful that I live rurally where there's less of that going on... I don't know... I understand that it can seem painful if you're comparing it to you experiencing the opposite of that tho. Since you mentioned that chapter, I'm now also thinking "What a weird chapter" tho at the time I read it I just remember thinking "She knows some really weird people"...

[ThereIsAField]

Oh, also... about the "weird" chapter... I think often, when people are nosy like that or feel free to meddle in our private issues, it has to do with what vibe we are sending... I had an issue that I did NOT want to talk about that people would feel free to talk to me about, when I was younger. It frustrated me so much! After years of it, I finally got to the point that I decided that I would tell people straight in their face "It's none of your business. How would you feel if I asked you something personal like that?!" And magically, people stopped asking... It was like they could sense that I had put up a barrier, that I wasn't going to put up with this boundary being trampled on. If I remember correctly, the author actually went through a similar process - once she decided to put up that boundary and to defend it, people stopped bugging her about that issue. So I think it's probably something personal about her - that she was expressing that vibe of vulnerability about that issue - maybe she seemed very lost and confused - which made people feel like she "needed" their advice (even tho it was unwelcome).

I don't think I ever gave off that vibe during grieving... I think I gave off more of a vibe of "You don't understand what I'm going through so please go away and let me deal with this pain as I see fit" or "Please don't get close to me, I'm in so much pain even the slightest touch could knock me over for good".

I guess the moral of the story is really that we all experience the people around us doing some things that we find unhelpful and hurtful when we are grieving and it's part of our healing journey to find ways to overcome that. The author's task was to set a boundary and stop random people from trampling over it. And I guess maybe your task is to find out how to overcome the sense of isolation/ loneliness and the sense that people are too distant...?

(I do NOT mean, however, that you were somehow responsible for how the people around you responded. They probably have their own issues like being afraid of grief and loss - which is why they thought if they avoided you then they could avoid facing that scary topic. Maybe the "vibe" you gave off was one of being in great pain and those people were simply scared of that pain and were trying to avoid that pain, not trying to avoid you.)

 

[goldberry]

The people who think its crazy to allow that the old me is dead just havent been where I have.  I tell myself that on the regular

I think it's true that the things that I "see" in others to criticize or feel hurt by are almost Always tender spots or insecurities in myself.  So yes, Thereisafield, I appreciate this reminder.  I am struggling with the loss of the old me that felt more trust in people and the universe and the loneliness of feeling let down (though I ask myself, is the real let down that no one is Les) by people.  So I responded internally with incredulity that someone would be complaining about Too much personal attention after the death.  Jealousy is part of that, and hurt that things went from a blanket of trust and authenticity to a world that feels so cold.

 

I'm also rural.  And I realize in large part I've made my own bed so to speak.  I'm a woman in her mid 50's that has built a conscious reputation for being capable, competent and enjoying being alone.  No one could know that those aspects of me would disintegrate (in feeling at least for now) when Les died.  Very probably people who love me were doing exactly as I'd asked in the past.  Leaving me to it.  But I'm NOT me of the past.  Not to say that I'm not going to one day be a different version with similar attributes, but that day is not now.  I'm still in the beginning of this new life and can't see what's coming.  It could be beautiful and I expect it'll be just what needs to be.  But for now, I'm a baby in the weeds of this new me.  A less secure, more anxious and needy, less trusting version of a self I built and was proud of-and miss.  So a ritual alone seems like the most honest "funeral" I can have for myself.  Still working on it in my heart to see what evolves.  I love the idea of building a straw person with expectations written and then shooting some fire tipped arrows at it lol.  I like the transformative qualities of fire.  Better act soon...winters coming!

I appreciate the thoughtful response, TIAF.

[KayC]

I was 52 when George died, so I can relate to your post, but there's a diffwrence being alone with your spouse, and being totally on your own, and now I'm 71 with 16 hand injuries and 10% strength,  makes a difference for sure.  I'm good being alone now, but it's hard with these disabilities.  No kids nearby, my daughter hasn't been here for several years and my son is sporadic, it's been over a year, so I'm pretty much on my own.

[RichS]

34 minutes ago, goldberry said:

Not to say that I'm not going to one day be a different version with similar attributes, but that day is not now.  I'm still in the beginning of this new life and can't see what's coming.

As I was sitting in my gazebo this afternoon, I thought (as I often do) how unfair that Chris had to pass away so soon in her life. That part of me feels that I've lost; and how long will I have to live with this? Then I thought about my 44 years with her. That part of me has won; and I dread to think what my life would have been without her. I have enough friends and relatives that never married. I can imagine the emptiness they've felt over the years. So I guess the old saying in sports ("You can't win them all") is true in life. I've not met one person in my life (or on this board, for that matter) who has not had some crosses to carry.

Moving forward from grief is tough work; the toughest thing I've had to do in my life. Imagine if we all started our college education together as a group. Do you think that all of us would get the same grades taking the same courses (dealing with grief), or even graduate at the same time (moving forward)? 

So yes, goldberry, THAT DAY IS NOT NOW; or else why would any of us need this board and each other? I'll use a silly analogy. If I were a flower that's supposed to eventually bloom, I wouldn't even be a bud yet. I'm not withering on the vine either; and a full bloom may come someday, but right now, THAT DAY IS NOT NOW. 

[KayC]

Oh how I remember feeling that way...

[Sar123]

12 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I have the same nature, kindness and understanding to people, probably more so now, always a person who tries to help others and have the same interests and passions but no longer have my soulmate to share them with, and so they don’t have the same meaning and excitement as before. However there are times that I would listen to music like my hubby was beside me or imagine his joy when eating his favourite meal. So overall I don’t feel the old me me is dead.

This is where I am. The way I feel is more like an amputation-like both my legs are gone and now I have to learn to walk again with prosthetic legs (I use this way to explain how I feel because my husband’s best friend lost his leg in a motorcycle accident years ago and had to learn to walk again).  I’m still me, only my old way of life with my husband is gone forever, and now I have to learn to live without him. I miss him constantly and remember things he use to tell me. He had a good sense of humor and he could always make me laugh. I miss that. 
 

I’ve also been learning how to take care of things around the house that he used to do. His best friend has been so helpful showing me how to change the furnace filter, teaching me how to drive the riding mower, but the snow blower will be a challenge- that thing is a monster!
The grief counselor explained why nights can be so hard for me so now I have to find a way to change up the old routine and find a new one. It’s a slow process and I will keep traveling down this long and winding road, but it’s hard walking it without him. I will always miss him. 

[KayC]

I am proud of you for learning these things and the way you describe it is so apt.  My friend has not learned self-sufficiency and begs of everyone else to do for her, which will get old after a while.  It helps to do what you can.