Lost my love and its hard to deal with idea that i will never see him again

[Cetlyn]

I lost my love on 26.07.2023 and its been little bit over 2 month and its so hard. I undrestand that he is dead but i cannot deal with idea that i will never see him again. I go to work and do everyday usual things, but at night i just want him back😔 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, it seems the hardest thing in the world.  Grief is a journey with a beginning but no ending, but it does evolve and change over the years.  Welcome to our forum, I hope you will continue to read and post.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

Welcome to our board. Here you will find kind, understanding people who know exactly what you are going through. We try our best to be helpful and sympathetic with each other; offering advice when we can. Please keep posting here.

[Cetlyn]

Thank You. Wednesdays are the hardest- he passed on wednesday evening suddenly due to the heart failure. He was waiting for me and just died 🥺

[KayC]

For a long time Sundays were hard for me...I guess after counting a year of Sundays...

[Nancy2]

Two months is a short amount of time.  It has been 6 months now since I lost my husband, and at two months I thought I would be fine at 6 months, but I am not fine at all.  In some ways, I am better than I was early on, but I am far from fine.  I still can't believe it.  I think now that even after two years, I may not be fine either.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

It has been 14 weeks and 2 days since Veronica passed on June 27 of this year.  It is still surreal to me that she is not here anymore.  The sharp sting of loss is not as acute but every day is filled with sadness.  Right now, I don't know who I am without my wife.  

[Cetlyn]

I think the holiday season will be the worst 😔

[KayC]

Holiday Tips webinar over but tips listed
Holiday Blues
Holiday Traditions WYG
Holidays
Holiday Coping: Suggested Resources 2015

 

 

[DWS]

4 hours ago, Cetlyn said:

I think the holiday season will be the worst 😔

This is where the practice of handling our loss "one day at a time" comes in. The challenge is to get through today and trying not to worry about tomorrow...and when tomorrow arrives, you handle that as best as you can with no thoughts of the next day. This is such a terrible, tragic time for you that doing whatever today demands is exhausting enough. One day at a time...one step at a time...is all we can handle because we're no longer dealing with our usual everyday. The person we love...our greatest life supporter....is missing from it. It's surreal and confusing and unfair so today is all that we can expect to do. 

I am so very sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. Be gentle and loving to yourself. 

[KayC]

It also helps to have plans...although feel free to cancel if not feeling it.

I chose to continue putting up our memory tree as a way of honoring George even if Iris is the only one who sees it.  Last year was my last year for our tree, bought a new one but may need help putting it up, I have no strength left anymore.  Will see if my neighbor can help.   I can decorate, just need help with assembly.  Here it is a couple of years ago...if you could look closely (sorry it's blurry) you could see his fishing hat ornament, his measuring stick ornament, our first Christmas ornament, the one we got when we went to Crater Lake together, etc...I'm sure you get the idea.  I bawled through my first Christmas w/o him but it was good tears not bad ones.  It felt cathartic.   There are some good ideas in this article.

 

[William M]

Yeah Holidays approach. I used to really love the whole Christmas thing Everything from the decorations, to the Charlie Brown Special.  Life is so unfair. It stole my person from me and at the same time Christmas was taken from me too.

[Tsemiklose]

Sorry to hear about your loss, I lost my wife of 26 years 7 weeks and 1 day ago, I still wake up and expect to see her but that's never going to happen. We made all the plans to travel and do the things that we put off until retirement. Hopefully this feeling of numbness gets better, but for now it seems like its the same everyday. Right now I focus on my kids/grandkids to keep my days full, hopefully you have strong family to support you as well.

Best wishes.

 

[KayC]

@Tsemiklose Welcome here, I see it's bee

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

n 1 1/2 months so still pretty fresh.  I hope you will continue to read and post, it helps.

 

[Cetlyn]

35 minutes ago, Tsemiklose said:

Sorry to hear about your loss, I lost my wife of 26 years 7 weeks and 1 day ago, I still wake up and expect to see her but that's never going to happen. We made all the plans to travel and do the things that we put off until retirement. Hopefully this feeling of numbness gets better, but for now it seems like its the same everyday. Right now I focus on my kids/grandkids to keep my days full, hopefully you have strong family to support you as well.

Best wishes.

 

Unfortunally i am not so close with my family. Once a week i try to see his sister so we can talk- she lost in one year her mother and now also brother and 2 weeks ago also her dog died, so she is going through a lot.

[KayC]

That IS a lot.  I'm glad you can be there for each other.

[Sheilz]

On 10/4/2023 at 2:21 PM, Cetlyn said:

i cannot deal with idea that i will never see him

I am so sorry for your sudden loss.  My husband died suddenly also.  But the idea that I will never see him again still haunts me.  It's been 5 months & it is still so unbelievable  to me.  So I feel your pain.  This is a long hard journey to get through but everyone here is a big help.  Hopefully we will see our loved ones again.

[Nancy2]

Well, my daughter got married last weekend and actually the wedding was amazing.  It was so beautiful that I really wasn't unhappy like I thought I'd be!  She made two heartfelt memorials for her father, which sat on the table in the lobby before you walked into the reception room, and  the minister incorporated beautiful words about my husband during the ceremony.  He was such a great minister, funny, down-to-earth, and compassionate.  Then during the wedding party, we stopped the band for a little while and had a family slide show with the perfect song commemorating my husband.  It was all done so perfectly.  I am savoring last weekend and have to believe he was there in spirit watching the whole thing.  We even had an empty chair next to mine at the dinner table with his jacket on it as a tribute to him.  But yeah, it would have been a whole lot better if he were physically present.

[KayC]

I am glad it went well and that it was sensitively done, with a place honoring him, and the minister so sensitive.  I know it's not the same as him being there, but I hope it helped.  💖