Not sure how to begin

[docdaisy514]

I just lost my partner of 18 years, suddenly and unexpectedly.  I find myself completely alone,  with no one to help me through this.  Does anyone have any words of advice/support  for me?  Anything you can offer would be deeply appreciated. 

I know everyone here is experiencing unimaginable pain, and I hope I can offer help and comfort to anyone who needs it. 

When will I be able to breathe again?

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

I lost my wife Veronica on June 27 of this year.  We were married for 48 years.  I can only speak in generalities based on what I am experiencing and I can say I know what you are going through.  The loss you have just experienced is a massive blow to your world to be suddenly missing the reason for your existence.  I know it was to me.  Nothing is the same anymore and you will never be the same.  Your grief is your and yours alone.  You are going to need help getting through the immediate steps that need to take place after such a loss.  You need to relay on close friends and/or family to help you through the first few days and weeks.  I was lucky to have my sister-in-law here to help me through the last steps and final arrangements.  Cry out loud, and then breathe, and then cry again.  And breathe.  I am sure some others will offer different viewpoints.  When I say I am so sorry for your loss, I do know what it means.  You are not alone.  

[RichS]

We are all very sorry for your loss. I lost my wife of 42 years in August 2022. I joined this board beginning this year and have found many kind, helpful folks here who get what you’re going through. Please consider being a regular participant on this board. We’ve all benefitted being here and so will you, too.

[KayC]

I just responded to your other post...I am so sorry for your loss.

[DWS]

My heart goes out to you on the terrible loss of your partner. I imagine most of here would love to be able to give you some proven advice or method to help you get through this but we all know it wouldn't be true. The losses of our partners and spouses are all unique and personal so some things might work for some but not for others. That is, perhaps, the one thing to always keep in mind during this time...that and a constant reminder to be a good friend to yourself.

Being a friend means that you give yourself the utmost patience and attention to your needs. Also, understand that the functioning of your brain is totally out of whack so when you aren't able to make decisions or are forgetful, there is a solid scientific reason for it so be gentle and forgive yourself often. This is so out of your control and sadly, there is no fix for this. The grief you have now is because of the tremendous love for your partner. That love remains despite what happened. 

Hopefully, we can calm some of those strong fears and concerns of feeling alone. All of us here are with you.

[docdaisy514]

Thank you all... I'm humbled by your kindness.

I really appreciate all of your tips. When I say that I'm completely alone, I really mean it. Tom and I were together (engaged) for 18 years, but never married. We thought there would be plenty of time to "get that piece of paper." In our hearts and minds, we were 100% committed to each other and nothing else mattered.  Unfortunately, the rest of the world thinks that you're not REALLY a couple if you're not married.  And since he passed so suddenly (massive heart attack at physical therapy), he left no will. He has two adult children from a previous marriage, and they are his Next of Kin. I have been left out of every decision because I have no legal standing and the kids can only think of themselves due to their grief. 

I don't have much in the way of family or friends. My mom is 83 and has serious dementia (she lives with me) and she has no ability to express concern for me. It's my responsibility to care for her, since we have no money for a caregiver.  My two brothers live 2000+ miles away and have completely ignored me since the funeral. My best friend of 42 years told me to "stop the pity party" 3 days after Tom's funeral. I've never felt more unloved and worthless in my life. I know I sound SO selfish and self-absorbed, and I apologize for it.  Tom was my life... my purpose for living... every joy, every sorrow, every breath was shared with him. He understood me when no one else ever did.  I'm eternally grateful that the Lord brought him into my life; obviously I never deserved someone as amazing as Tom.

Once again, I apologize for being so selfish. My heart goes out to all of you, as I know you're all in deep pain as well. But if you have a little kindness to share with a stranger, I would greatly appreciate it. 

Thank you again.

[KayC]

The piece of paper doesn't make the relationship real, ask me, I was "married" to my kids' dad 23 years!  Long years, I might add.  My George was only in my life 6 1/2 years but it was the best 6 1/2 years of my life!  I will mourn him until the day I die.

I too am alone, live in the country, where you have to drive 100 mile round trip to the grocery store.  All our "friends" disappeared when he died, my two "BFFs" even before the funeral two weeks out!

As for life insurance, we were in the middle of trying to take it out but unfortunately they billed us more than they quoted us so we were haggling when he up and died.  

Here, when we say we get it, we truly do.  (((hugs)))

[docdaisy514]

1 minute ago, KayC said:

The piece of paper doesn't make the relationship real, ask me, I was "married" to my kids' dad 23 years!  Long years, I might add.  My George was only in my life 6 1/2 years but it was the best 6 1/2 years of my life!  I will mourn him until the day I die.

I too am alone, live in the country, where you have to drive 100 mile round trip to the grocery store.  All our "friends" disappeared when he died, my two "BFFs" even before the funeral two weeks out!

Here, when we say we get it, we truly do.  (((hugs)))

Oh, I am so, so sorry. I'm offering you hugs and friendship. 

[KayC]

6 minutes ago, docdaisy514 said:

My best friend of 42 years told me to "stop the pity party" 3 days after Tom's funeral.

Wow.  So wrong.  
Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

Thank you, here we are all friends, I've been on these forums for 18 years now, he passed on Father's Day June 19th 18 years ago.  I'm growing old alone.  I'm just so sorry for what these inept people have done to you.  You'll find company here.

[DWS]

Oh my goodness...I do have an answer for your question on how to begin and that is please do not listen to your longtime friend! This is no "pity-party" for you. This is a genuine massive loss for you. You are not self-absorbed or selfish in any way shape or form. You are in grief like any warm, beautiful human would be after the loss of their partner. There is no timeline for this. Eventually, we do learn that much of this we end up keeping inside because others get tired and fed up with our grief but we don't live by their demands and expectations. We live by what we hold in our hearts. Our partners and spouses may not physically be here but they sure are still emotionally and spiritually. 

[KayC]

You may be wondering WHY people you thought were friends are responding this way...they do not understand what we're going through in the least, having never been through it themselves.  That and our culture is not versed in how to respond to grief.  It might help you to join a grief group, I led one before Covid, and we'd all go out to lunch together afterwards.  We had material but no one was required to talk if they didn't want to.  They vary a lot depending on their leader or organization, so if you don't care for the first one, you can try another.

[docdaisy514]

Thank you for the articles and the advice. I've thought about a grief support group, but it might be too soon. Tom's funeral was less than a week ago. I reached out to a local religious leader for some guidance, but she never responded.  I'm working with my therapist too, but that's just once a week.

Tom and I have 2 dogs and a cat. I'm really leaning on them for support.  And I find myself looking forward to your responses too. 

 

[KayC]

I'm sorry, you are doing what you can.  No time too soon IMO, but everyone's timetable is unique.

[widower2]

On 10/2/2023 at 9:31 PM, docdaisy514 said:

I just lost my partner of 18 years, suddenly and unexpectedly.  I find myself completely alone,  with no one to help me through this.  Does anyone have any words of advice/support  for me?  Anything you can offer would be deeply appreciated. 

I know everyone here is experiencing unimaginable pain, and I hope I can offer help and comfort to anyone who needs it. 

When will I be able to breathe again?

I wish there was a pat answer for that, but it varies for everyone. I'm so sorry for your loss. Some of your circumstances are eerily similar to mine. In general, you don't have someone to lean on, and don't even have the luxury of just being able to simply mourn your loss due to other things going on (your mom, etc). On the plus side, I had her dog and he was a huge help to me to just hang on in those early days. 

And the last thing you need to do it apologize; please don't. In fact, there are huge apologies due to you from (perhaps among others):

- Your brothers
- Your "best friend" (with friends like that...)
- Life

There are great people on this site, people who "get it." I hope it helps, even if in some small ways. 

 

[DMB]

I am so sorry for your loss.   The beginning is very hard.  Sudden deaths are hard.  You are not being selfish in the least.  This was your partner.  I'm so sorry he didn't leave a will. I hope that doesn't become a problem for you to sustain yourself. Or cause problems with you and his children.  Hopefully they will do the right thing.  Sorry your friend said that to you.  So wrong. You will be re-living this event over and over again for quite some time, so we get it, others that haven't been through such a loss, obviously do not.  Not sure that warrants any forgiveness on your part either.  People do and say the dumbest things. 

My father had a sudden heart attack and died.  My sister and I figure we really didn't begin to process it until years later.  Our mother had dementia and all the siblings banded together to take care of her.  She died 13 months later.  Bless you for taking care of your mother.  No easy feat. I believe there is a special place in heaven for caregivers.  A thankless yet exhausting job.  Please remember to take care of yourself with all that you are going through. Sometimes it's an hour, or a day at at time, sometimes just taking one breath to the next one is good enough. 

[docdaisy514]

I know I sound like a broken record but thank you, to all of you.

Did anyone else feel the need to self-loathe? I think I'm there...

[KayC]

No but I'm pretty strong on my own, it could be they've beat you down.  Again, be kind to yourself, considerate, treat yourself with respect. What would you tell a friend going through this?  Tell that to yourself!

[widower2]

20 minutes ago, docdaisy514 said:

I know I sound like a broken record but thank you, to all of you.

Did anyone else feel the need to self-loathe? I think I'm there...

At times. I think regrets are a common reaction, whether merited or not. But again I think the loathing is best directed elsewhere...

[KayC]

Sometimes we blame ourselves for their death, esp. in the beginning, but then we realize we can't know what we don't know.  And isn't that why we have doctors?!

[docdaisy514]

I'm so impressed with all of you... where did you find your strength? I've never been very self-confident, and without Tom's support I'm lost.

[RichS]

3 hours ago, docdaisy514 said:

I'm so impressed with all of you... where did you find your strength? I've never been very self-confident, and without Tom's support I'm lost.

Keep posting here. We inspire each other.....

[KayC]

I've been at it for 18 years, wasn't easy in the early years.

[widower2]

9 hours ago, docdaisy514 said:

I'm so impressed with all of you... where did you find your strength? I've never been very self-confident, and without Tom's support I'm lost.

Trust me, I'm nothing to be impressed about! I kept going as I had little choice, esp as I inherited her/"our" dog and had to take care of him (which he repaid me in spades, believe me). But for awhile, I wasn't sure how or if I'd make it. I know it probably seems impossible now, but you can do this. "A day at a time" may be a cliche, but it's true, esp in this case. Try to focus on the short term as much as possible. esp in those early days, that's more than enough.

[docdaisy514]

18 minutes ago, widower2 said:

Trust me, I'm nothing to be impressed about! I kept going as I had little choice, esp as I inherited her/"our" dog and had to take care of him (which he repaid me in spades, believe me). But for awhile, I wasn't sure how or if I'd make it. I know it probably seems impossible now, but you can do this. "A day at a time" may be a cliche, but it's true, esp in this case. Try to focus on the short term as much as possible. esp in those early days, that's more than enough.

One day at a time is great advice. I needed to be reminded of that. My brain races to the future, wondering how I'm going to survive emotionally and financially. I need to try to focus on each day as it comes.

I, too, have our shared pets to take care of. Usually they bring me such joy. They are grieving too and it's heartbreaking to see.  Hopefully we can take care of each other over the next few days/weeks.

Please keep the advice coming, if you can. It's helping tremendously. I'm reading tons of threads on this site, but a lot of them are older so I'm not replying to them. Should I?

[widower2]

You're certainly free to read/reply to any thread as you feel appropriate. Grief is timeless; I think people have agonized over the loss of a loved one much the same throughout time. I don't think it matters how old a thread is. (That said, at a point older threads are "archived" and can't be replied to...I asked about that and unfortunately that's just part of how the system works.) 

[Jemiga70]

@docdaisy514  I just wanted to second what others have said upthread, that you are not being selfish and that you have nothing to apologize for - you've suffered a tremendous loss. My heart goes out to you.  My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly. It's a particular kind of trauma, sudden death. I hope you find this forum helpful.  Just knowing I'm not the last man on Earth has helped me feel less alone. Take care,

[KayC]

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

"A day at a time" may be a cliche, but it's true, esp in this case.

I live by it still.  Turning 71 in two days, alone in the country with harsh winters and brutal summers...I can't think of getting old, I'm getting there rapidly, but still I do one day at a time, it's the best way I know.  I can't handle the anxiety of "the whole rest of my life."  It's too much.

[DWS]

19 hours ago, docdaisy514 said:

I'm so impressed with all of you... where did you find your strength? I've never been very self-confident, and without Tom's support I'm lost.

I think any strength that I've acquired through my loss can all be attributed to the love and commitment to my partner. His life had great purpose so I have a great need to honour it as well as honour the loving life that cultivated between our pairing...and along with all of that, it's also respecting and paying attention to me and my needs. The power of love has been so often written in song, poems, and literature over the centuries. I certainly have felt its power over these last 20+ months since he was taken from me. I'm empowered by it. 

10 hours ago, docdaisy514 said:

I'm reading tons of threads on this site, but a lot of them are older so I'm not replying to them. Should I?

There are so many thoughtful and important threads and comments on here. I hope that some will help you gain some comfort and understanding through this awful time. Many of those threads can be helpful so if you feel compelled to reply to one, feel free to do that. It may revive a subject that others here may have missed. 

[RichS]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I can't think of getting old, I'm getting there rapidly, but still I do one day at a time, it's the best way I know.  I can't handle the anxiety of "the whole rest of my life."  It's too much.

Yes, all I have to do is look in my mirror and I can see the difference since Chris passed away (forget about barbershop mirrors, they're even scarier). Whether you've had a recent loss or have lost someone years ago, "One Day At A Time" is RULE #1 for all grievers.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

I think any strength that I've acquired through my loss can all be attributed to the love and commitment to my partner.

Being married to Chris has made me a better person. I've grown up more, handled responsibility better, learned how to team up to face problems that we had to deal with together, found out the new meaning of sacrifice and compromise and a host of other things. Had I not married her in 1980, I would not be the person I am today and I might as well be walking around with a T-Shirt that said, "COMPLACENCY" on it.

[Boggled]

On 10/3/2023 at 3:04 PM, docdaisy514 said:

Did anyone else feel the need to self-loathe? I think I'm there...

I've been there, done that.  Not a lot but yep, I think maybe it's because I hate that I can't fix this.  So self-loathing.

This book mentions the author did that:  Different after You: Rediscovering Yourself and Healing after Grief and Trauma: Hernandez, Michele Neff: 9781608687787: Amazon.com: Books

Really I've bought a lot of books, done a lot of reading,  ... btw, the "5 stages of grief" is utter BS, my opinion, because there are no nice "stages" and grief as people keep saying, doesn't conveniently end when you hit the last "stage." ... you have to "live through it," "it never goes away," "grief is love with nowhere to go,"  and I for one have found no real answers for how to cope, how to "move forward," and etc. and etc. and etc. ad infinitum.  At the start, you have to take it one step, one day, one breath at a time.  In my experience (16 months AFTER, now) it gets less stringent over time.   Much time.   

But I'm still here, because for some reason unknown to me, just reading the posts on here helps.  Why?  Don't know.

One thing, there are certain health things that helped ME:  L-Tryptophan (as in turkey) taken on occasion, to help with calm and sleep;  I have two jujube trees and made a "jujube crisp" eating it calmed me and helped;  chamomile tea helped a LITTLE.  

God bless you and help you!  ... even phone conversations help, if you're entirely alone, just a human voice is a little helpful.  Glad you have the pets.

 

[Boggled]

On 10/3/2023 at 11:23 AM, docdaisy514 said:

Tom was my life... my purpose for living... every joy, every sorrow, every breath was shared with him. He understood me when no one else ever did.  I'm eternally grateful that the Lord brought him into my life; obviously I never deserved someone as amazing as Tom.

I feel the same way about my Steve.  Purpose for living!  (crying)  what is the sound of one hand clapping ... when two hands clapped so well ... 

[docdaisy514]

On 10/5/2023 at 6:36 AM, KayC said:

I live by it still.  Turning 71 in two days, alone in the country with harsh winters and brutal summers...I can't think of getting old, I'm getting there rapidly, but still I do one day at a time, it's the best way I know.  I can't handle the anxiety of "the whole rest of my life."  It's too much.

Wishing you the happiest of birthdays! May you find joy and strength today and every day.

[docdaisy514]

1 minute ago, Boggled said:

I feel the same way about my Steve.  Purpose for living!  (crying)  what is the sound of one hand clapping ... when two hands clapped so well ... 

Steve sounds like an amazing guy. It's amazing that someone who brought you so much joy can also bring the worst pain imaginable.

[docdaisy514]

Today is 2 weeks since Tom died. I'm shocked that I'm still standing. 

Yesterday I attempted to get out and see my "pity party friend" -- not because I wanted to go, but because I was TOLD to go.  I ended up getting my windshield shattered by something falling out of a tree onto my car while driving.  Sometimes I should just stay in bed.

I thought that maybe the panic attacks would lessen a little bit by now, but they're still agonizingly strong. Experiencing chest pain and constant shaking, too. I think I'm trying to force myself through the grief to get "back to normal" and make other people happy, but "normal" will never return. And I have no clue why I want to make everyone else happy...

You are all TOTALLY CORRECT about one thing: people really don't know how to help someone who is grieving. It's comforting to be here, surrounded by people who "get it." 

Thank you all. Every comment and words of encouragement helps tremendously.

 

[Boggled]

8 minutes ago, docdaisy514 said:

I ended up getting my windshield shattered by something falling out of a tree onto my car while driving. 

yikes.  Very weird!   

You are ahead of me in offering condolences to others, and in your gratitude for your partner.  That is something that took me some time to arrive at, that just to have had Steve as my husband (but I get it too, though, that you and your partner just didn't bother to get the official recognition) ... just the very fact that I was able to have a relationship that turned into "souls intertwined," is a huge thing to be GRATEFUL for in and of itself, that I have and will always have, and that I thank God and Steve for.  

[DWS]

23 minutes ago, docdaisy514 said:

I thought that maybe the panic attacks would lessen a little bit by now, but they're still agonizingly strong. Experiencing chest pain and constant shaking, too. I think I'm trying to force myself through the grief to get "back to normal" and make other people happy, but "normal" will never return.

If it's possible, you may want to inform your doctor about the devastation that has happened and possibly arrange a visit. Grief can have its affect on us health-wise. My grief counselor explained it as cortisol levels going completely out of whack which can cause inner inflammation and all other types of weird things to occur within our bodies. I speak firsthand at the craziness that I went through during my first year. I very rarely needed to seek medical care throughout my adulthood and then bam, I had three different concerns that came up. Thankfully things have greatly calmed down now. We talked about that on this thread here....

 

[docdaisy514]

@DWS Thank you for the link. It's very informative and helpful!

Your kindness is so appreciated.

[docdaisy514]

30 minutes ago, Boggled said:

You are ahead of me in offering condolences to others, and in your gratitude for your partner.  That is something that took me some time to arrive at

I can't bear thinking that others are in the same pain that I'm in. I'm certain that you are the same way too.

Right now I feel useless and I have no purpose. If I can look outside myself for 5 minutes and try to comfort someone else, I'm going to do it.  It's the least I can do, considering how kind everyone has been to me.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, docdaisy514 said:

Wishing you the happiest of birthdays! May you find joy and strength today and every day.

Thank you!

1 hour ago, docdaisy514 said:

I ended up getting my windshield shattered by something falling out of a tree onto my car while driving.

Oh no! Years ago I got a crack in my windshield, the insurance sent someone to my home to fix it!  I live 60+ miles away from the nearest windshield repair.  Worth a shot!

[Boggled]

On 10/6/2023 at 10:52 AM, docdaisy514 said:

I thought that maybe the panic attacks would lessen a little bit by now, but they're still agonizingly strong. Experiencing chest pain and constant shaking, too.

I am not a doctor or health practitioner.  Just a comment about a couple books I've noticed really, discussing that our brain is not the only center of nerves in our bodies;  but rather we have this "vagus nerve" that exists, I THINK(??) between brain, heart, and all the way down our spines to our gut.  

The Complete Daily Vagus Nerve Exercise: Heal, Stimulate, and Exercise Your Vagus Nerve Naturally. Renew Your Mind with Healing Exercises for Your Body: Rappazzo, Matthew: 9798373490313: Amazon.com: Books

and one I've bought but have yet to actually READ:

The Heart-Mind Matrix: How the Heart Can Teach the Mind New Ways to Think: Pearce, Joseph Chilton, Sardello, Robert: 9781594774881: Amazon.com: Books

I have definitely noticed that my HEART, not just my brain's conception of my heart, but my actual center-of-my-chest-heart, is something that is affected by this grief.   Another book, Healing Through Yoga: Transform Loss into Empowerment – With More Than 75 Yoga Poses and Meditations: Denniston, Paul, Kessler, David: 9781797210223: Amazon.com: Books

... has a page called "Holding Love," that seems to help (a LITTLE):  sitting down, spread your left hand over your heart, hold your right hand out palm up.   ... then you close your eyes and meditate (briefly, in my case) connecting to things "that fill your heart," and then think of what disconnects you from the love, imagine it in your right hand, and bring your hand up and throw the "thing" out over your right shoulder.  

Really, I find that just putting both my hands over my heart ... middle of chest ... seems to help.