Lost My Cat....I failed her

[KateyKat]

After my husband passed away in 2008 my children and I moved around a lot. So  our 5 year old cat went to live with my Dad.  

Last year, I  brought her home after she was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease because my Dad couldn't care for her. 

She was now 20 years old and I  had to keep her separated from my dog so she was on the front enclosed porch during the day and then free to roam at night when my dog was in his crate. So I couldn't monitor her all of the time.

She was doing better, but not gaining enough weight so I started feeding her 4x a day (Small can food ) and she put on a half a pound. 

She would urinate so much  due to her kidneys and became dehydrated and about two months ago  she was on an IV drip at home. 

Around the same time I started a new job. So I would feed her in the morning before work and when I got home in the evening.

On Tuesday, I fed her, she seemed fine and I left for work. That evening I came home exhausted and went to bed. She was on the front porch and I  didn't check on her.

The next morning when  I went to feed  her she was weak and I assumed dehydrated and was having difficulty walking. She did eat drink some water.  How did I not realize she wasn't getting enough? Is it arthritis? I called the vet, told them everything and they said I could monitor her or make an emergency appt for her. I monitored her for a couple of hours, she ate a little bit  but then I called the vet back and made an appointment.  Ten minutes later, they called and canceled due to max capacity. They said I could continue to monitor her if I wanted to and bring her tomorrow or call  another emergency vet an hour away.

I called the other vet but I didn't have her records so they would have to run tests, get a diagnosis and POSSIBLY treat her or I could wait until morning

 I made the decision to wait and keep giving her pedialyte. 

The next morning she was refusing food and water.  I called the vet first thing and the earliest I could get her in was 1:30. Ugh! Emergency! Thats the best they could do. 

I get the worst news ever! Its too late and she has to be put to sleep. I failed her! I literally didn't even see that I wasn't giving her enough. It's my fault! 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for the loss of your cat, so hard to go through no matter when it is.  I still mourn Kitty, I lost her nearly four years ago.  20 years old is long for a cat, I've had so many over my life, one lived to 25 1/2 but she was amazing, and one to 19, the rest were much younger.  

You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[KateyKat]

 I know that she was fragile over the past year, so I was prolonging her life, and she was tired. I just feel that I knew better and I was wrapped up in other things and didn't see that I was neglecting her. I do understand what you are saying, thank you. I hope I can find peace. 

[KayC]

Praying you do also, it may not be instantaneous, but in time...sending hugs.

[KateyKat]

Your kindness truly helps. ❤️

[KateyKat]

I was able to briefly convince myself that  her kidney disease progressed quickly and its not my fault but right now I am 100 percent sure that I failed her. 

Before I started my new job I was feeding  her 3 to 4 times a day to maintain her weight and hydration.  With my new schedule it was now 2 times a day. ( before and after work) With my stressful job, I even forgot one night. I have been having migraines and in bed early.  Like, it didn't even register in my brain that I changed to only 2 times a day and that this was not enough.  I didn't see a change in her and I should have. 

 I can't find comfort in saying I did my best 

Then, how could I have thought I could treat her at home? If I would have taken her to the vet, would they have saved her?

Initially I could have taken her, I thought she was having symptoms of arthritis and that was the reason she was having some difficulty walking aside from dehydration. I was so stupid. Although I didn't downplay her symptoms on the phone,  I was told I could bring her in or monitor her. I said ok, I will for a couple of hours, and I will call back if i need to. I gave her pedialyte and waited.  I couldn't take it anymore so I called back a couple hours later and they said to bring her in. Less than 10 minutes later they called and canceled  saying continue to monitor or call another vet, if I would like to.

I called the another vet. I told them that she has chronic kidney disease and I explained her difficulty walking, dehydration, all of it. They said if I didn't have her records ( my vet now closed) that due to not being their patient they would be running tests to get a diagnosis and couldn't say wether they would even give her fluids. (I'm probably looking at $600 to $700 ok fine but I felt that they were  going to do unnecessary testing and not treat her) and they suggested I monitor her and take her to her regular vet in the morning. What? Again?.I was used to the vet always saying they couldn't give advice without seeing the animal.  So maybe she is going to be ok. 

I got this. She will be ok.

The next afternoon, the earliest I could get her in, they weighed her . She had lost a pound since her previous visit. I was devistated, how did I let this happen?  Then instead of taking her home that day, Dr. said she was not responding well and that she had to be put down. It was slow and even worse than I expected. I can't stop reliving it. 

I did ask the Dr if I had brought her in the day before if she would have been OK. She said we would probably be back where we are right now.  I cant help but think that because she was eating and responding yesterday. That this is not true.

Her disease didn't progress, I failed. 

I believe if I kept up with special needs, she would still be here. 

I failed her terribly. 

I can't handle it being my fault.

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

My Kitty lost half her weight, but she was 25 1/2, it was bound to happen, that or something, she couldn't live forever, much as I wanted her to, much as I thought she would...they don't complain, we think all is well...

[KateyKat]

I think when they live so long you can't imagine them ever being gone.  To me, it was sudden .....previously, I saw that she had become weak, this time by the time her signs were noticeable to me it was too late. 

The day before all of this happened she ran to her food but she didn't finish it, which was unusual.  Now that i think about it, she had food right in front of her. Was she suddenly took weak to finish? It doesn't make sense to me. Or did something happen? My thoughts at that time were that maybe she hurt herself. I don't believe that was the case. But, Did her kidneys just stop working? Is it possible to lose weight from that morning to two days later at the vet? I have never missed anything before. So I am trying to figure out how it happened so quickly. 

😭

 

[KayC]

Her kidneys shut down, also I think her liver, she went from 9 lbs to 4 1/2 very quickly, it was over the holidays so hard to get in as the vets were all closed, I suspected her kidneys but not liver and thyroid.  Thyroid they can treat, but not the others.  Yes I do believe it happened that quick, she was okay after Christmas, had her euthanized Jan. 6.  First time she'd been to a vet, she had an amazing life.

 

 

[KateyKat]

I read your stories about Kitty. She was so luck to have you, you were both fortunate. After reading about her, I remember that my cat was throwing up too. This was going on for a while.. Her bowel movements changed as well, the vet said it was due to dehydration although that did not change with diet. The vomiting  did decreased.she would sometimes urinate where she was lying. For the most part she did use her box or pads I put down for her. 

I know they did full bloodwork. I don't remember anything coming up about liver or any other organs.  They didn't give her vaccinations, they thought it would be too much at this point and said I needed to focus on her weight.

I am surprised that they didn't have her on any medication or keeping a closer eye on her. I sometimes feel they gave up on her.

Possibly if the vet would have given me an idea of what would happen as things progressed, I would have understood. 

I think she was a lot worse than I realized because like you said, they don't show it. 

[KayC]

My son had brought me a puppy Dec. 10 and she'd hide under a chair or sit on her stepstool and get mad if he even came into the room.  This cat that would yowl at him had to intrigue him but he never went forward or did anything to her even remotely, she called the shots!  I was suspicious on Christmas but they she acted normal the next day...by the time I figure it out, ER wouldn't have helped, I knew her kidneys were shutting down, just didn't know her liver was too or that it was already too late.  She only rode in a car twice, once when John dumped her on me, the second time for her euthanasia.  She'd always had this uncanny ability to heal herself, but not this time.  I guess when it's your time, you go. 

You are not to blame for this.  Had I been able to get Kitty in the day after Christmas, it still would have done no good, they said there's nothing they can do for kidneys and liver.

[KateyKat]

This just brought me tears. First I laughed because Kitty was the boss!! and mine up until the last few days held her own. Then the tears because I was able to think of good memories. So happy tears. I am all over the place but in hindsight I think I prolonged her life but her quality of life was not the best. I must have not wanted to see it staring right in my face that it was her time. 

 

[KayC]

I don't think we consciously don't want to see it but we didn't believe it, I never for a second believed Kitty would die, esp. after having black in her gums behind her upper front teeth and no vet would pull them "because of her age," yet she healed herself even from that!  I don't know any person or cat who could do that!  So I never believed she would die...but it was her time and the way she went out was amazing to me, I couldn't have hoped for a better ending, it sure didn't go that way with my previous dog, Arlie.

[KateyKat]

Right! I have never had an animal live so long . They seemed to be indestructible, so, being able to do everything they did in their time is amazing and I am glad they didn't suffer long when it was their time! 

I am sorry about Arlie

 

[KayC]

Yeah, my sweet boy (Husky/Golden Retriever) was diagnosed with inoperable cancer, just two weeks after his clean bill of health from his physical!  I was so upset that they missed it, and they never offered any help.  I went to a different vet to have him euthanized just two months ten days later and their scale was off so they under-anesthetized him, causing him to go out in excruciating pain, I can never forgive them that, all because they didn't have their scale calibrated.  I didn't know what happened until I had Kitty euthanized and my friend got on the scale and exclaimed, 127!  I was just 139 at the doctor's officek!  Then I knew what had happened.

[KateyKat]

That is horrible and inexcusable. I don't understand vets that don't help or are not compassionate or don't have a good bedside manner. . Especially causing suffering from their error.

I thought it was taking a long time for my girl to pass and for a few minutes I was wondering what was taking so long. I can't even imagine going through what you did. Some vets should not being practicing at all. We have one in our area that makes life and death mistakes all the time and nothing has been done about it.

I expected more empathy from my vet, too

[KayC]

I know, no paw prints, or anything.  

He was my boy...

 

[KateyKat]

Aw, you can see the special spirit he had in his sweet face. 

How devastating, and they didn't even take the time for paw prints? 😢 

[KayC]

No but a friend came over and tried to get them before he died...it resulted in his running through the house with black ink on his paw.  By the time I got that off the carpet, stupid me, I had to try one more time!  (I may have written about it in his memories) So I did, and got a "paw in motion" print.  I still have it on the refrigerator! 

[KateyKat]

Aw, I will read through all the memories. I haven't read yet 

[AJWCat]

Hi @KateyKat I read your story and I am so sorry for your loss.

After reading your story... cats are notorious for hiding illness until it's at the very worst stage and they can't any longer. At her advanced age and with the diagnosis she had, it sounds like you did all you could.

It's also frustrating when you have an emergency and none of the vets seem unwilling or able to make any kind of an exception to squeeze you in.  

Please don't allow the guilt you feel overwhelm you - you had a loss and should grieve it. Give yourself the compassion you deserve and you will find peace. It does take some time, too.