My dear Biscuits

[ILoveBiscuits]

Hello all, I am 20 years old, and I'm currently in the process of mourning the violent death of my cat.

On Friday the 22nd of September, 2023, my cat was tragically attacked and killed by a dog. 

For the past 6 months or so, my nan had been feeding a random black and white cat that had been visiting her backyard. I was never really there whenever he was there, so I didn't spend much time with him until a little over a month ago when I arrived at my nans house and he was there, sleeping on an old doona that my nan had put out for him. I slowly went up to him and he immediately stood up and started rubbing up against me affectionately while I pet him. He was the most loving, sweet, and affectionate cat I had ever met. I instantly fell inlove with him, and got more and more attached to him each time i visited (which was pretty often during the 5-ish weeks before his passing). My boyfriend and I just loved him to bits and could sit with him for hours, just giving him the love and attention that he yearned for. Not long after the initial visit, my boyfriend and I decided to get him a proper place to sleep, since my nan didn't want him inside (due to it not being her cat, and her not wanting him to urinate or claw anywhere in the house). We were also not sure who he belonged to. We suspected it was the people that lived in the house behind my nans backyard since my nan said she saw Biscuits jump over the fence towards there sometimes, but it turns out he didn't belong to them, and they weren't sure who he belonged to either. Anyway, my boyfriend and I got him a pretty large puppy/kitten play pen that was covered on top and just had an opening at the front for him to enter and exit through. I put in a few soft blankets inside so it was nice and cushioned for him. I also wrapped an old large blanket on top so that it covered all around the play pen, and also tucked it underneath (leaving the entry/exit uncovered) so that it was warmer for him during the cold days and nights, and blocked from the wind. He absolutely loved it. He slept in there every single night, as well as napped in there during the day. I could tell he felt a lot safer being in there, tucked away and comfy. We bought him lots of treats too which he really enjoyed. It was a bit difficult for him to eat though, since he had a wound on the left side of his upper lip from what we suspect was a cat fight. My boyfriend and I took him to the vet to get him checked as well as to see if he was registered/microshipped. Turns out he wasn't, making him a stray. We found out his wound was infected so the vet gave us antibiotics to give to him for 10 days. Since I don't stay at my nans, my older cousin who lives there was the one to administer his medication twice a day (morning and night). He was so unbelievably well behaved. From getting him in the cat carrier, to the vet checking his mouth (as well as putting a thermometer(?) up his bum), to my cousin having to open his mouth and place the antibiotics in the back of it. He never once hissed or clawed, or anything of the sort. He just let them do what they had to do. He was such a good boy. The most placid little thing. (Though, he wasn't very 'little' as he was about 3-4 years old and was a bit of a chubby boy hahaha).

He took his very last dose of antibiotics Friday morning. He was all set to go visit the vet again that was booked in for Monday (tomorrow) to get a check up again to see how his wound/infection was going. If all was clear, my boyfriend and I were going to take him to the council to explain the situation and put in an expression of interest in adopting him (hoping that given the circumstance of how long we had been taking care of him, and how comfortable he was with us, they would just allow us to keep him). In the scenario that the council did approve of us keeping/adopting Biscuits, he was going to come live at home with my mum, sister, other cat, and I. Where he would be kept inside and loved unconditionally.

That day, I was home alone when I suddenly got a call from my cousin asking me if I'm sitting down because she had bad news to tell me. I thought it was about my mum, as she was in the hospital having a procedure, but then she told me Biscuits was dead. That he had been attacked by a dog and didn't make it. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. It didn't seem possible as my nans garage, as well as the garage door that connected the garage and backyard, was pretty much always closed, so how did he get attacked by a dog? Biscuits never left the backyard, and he especially didn't go out to the frontyard. He was pretty much always in his den or chilling somewhere closeby. Turns out my nan had just arrived home from food shopping, and came in through the garage door to enter the house through the backyard door, when the house phone suddenly rang. She left the garage & garage door open while she rushed in to answer the phone. Not very long after, was when the roaming dog spotted Biscuits and charged. I don't think my poor Biscuits had the energy in him to jump over the fence so he just ran to the side gate where he was cornered by the dog and was left helpless and defenceless. The antibiotics must have drained his energy, he had been very sleepy and not eating as much since starting his course of antibiotics. So he just didn't have it in him to fight back or escape. As soon as I heard the news, I rang my boyfriend, crying hysterically, telling him what happened and asking him to come pick me up and take me to my nans (I don't have my licence). He came as soon as he could and took me to my nans. When I saw Biscuits' lifeless body laying on his cat bed, I broke down even more. My poor baby was a mess. His furr was all matted and wet from the dogs saliva. His stomach looked like a mess, but I didn't dare to look properly to see what his wounds looked like since I just don't have the stomach for it. He had dried blood on one of his front paws. He was so cold and so stiff. The only place I could pet him was on the top of his head, the only dry and clean part. My boyfriend and I were both emotional wrecks. He was supposed to be ours. He was our baby regardless if he was legally ours or not. We loved him like our own and he will forever be ours in our hearts. I sat with him for a few hours, spending my final moments with what was once the shell for the soul of the sweetest, most affectionate and loving cat I'll ever know, before my nan took him away to bury him. I didn't feel ready yet, I wasn't ready to say goodbye but it was getting late so I knew I had to.

I hate so much that he had to go through such a gruesome, violent death. I hate that he suffered in his final moments alive. I hate that he was scared and in shock and alone. I hate that I wasn't there to stop it or prevent it from happening in the first place. I hate that I will never see him again, never get to touch his soft furr again, never get to hear him purring again, never get to see his little paws kneading or 'making biscuits' again (hence his name, 'Biscuits'). I'm just so heartbroken and defeated. It feels impossible to move on or to be happy again. Even though I only knew him for a short period of time, I became so emotionally attached to him and it truly felt like he was my soulmate in the form of a cat. We just had a bond like no other and he's just been ripped away from me, and I'm left with this emptiness in my heart. The only thing left I have of him is his paw shaped mark on my heart that will forever remain there. I miss him so much.

How do I cope?

[KayC]

I am so sorry your poor kitty suffered like that.  I know it hurts your heart terribly to have those memories.  

You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[ILoveBiscuits]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry your poor kitty suffered like that.  I know it hurts your heart terribly to have those memories.  

You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

Thank you so incredibly much for your comment and for taking the time to link websites and the youtube video for me. I appreciate it greatly. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. 

 

I hope you're doing well, and I wish you all the best Thank you again!

[KayC]

It's the hardest thing in the world to lose your beloved AND your pet, as you interact with them daily and everything is a reminder of their absence.

1 hour ago, ILoveBiscuits said:

Thank you so incredibly much for your comment and for taking the time to link websites and the youtube video for me. I appreciate it greatly. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. 

 

I hope you're doing well, and I wish you all the best Thank you again!

You're so welcome!  It helps to come here as it helps process your grief.  It can take a while, so remember to be your own best friend now that yours is gone, be patient, kind, and understanding of yourself.  What would you tell a friend going through this?  Tell that to yourself.  (((hugs)))

[AJWCat]

My heart breaks reading this.  I am so so sorry. I know imagine the pain you are in. Wishing you peace.