My older sister died yesterday and I don't know what to do.

[jaiya]

My older sister and I were very close and yesterday she passed away from a hit and run. I am so angry and sad and hearing my parents sadness hurts so much. She just turned 30, I keep telling myself that I have to be strong for my family but I don't know if I can go on. She barley got a chance to live and achieve her dreams and I just feel so alone without her here anymore. I keep seeing her there on the road every time I close my eyes. It just hurts so much

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my closest sister 1 1/2 years ago and her husband of 50 years 1 1/2 years before that!  It's very hard to get used to her not in my life everyday.  I was in shock for at least a month.  I kept thinking of things I wanted to tell her.

[LeslieAK]

Hi - i lost my sister around June 1 - she was my “person” - we have survived life together and she had such a hard time after she got septic shock - for years she suffered.  I believe she was and was not ready to go and she kinda left it up to the universe.  She took a ton of pills and she was alone with her dog when she died and i am so sad about that and she called me but i didnt pick up - she has historically been a difficult person - lots of all consuming drama - i have had to build boundaries especially after i had kiddos.  My mother who died 12 years ago said “Kristin needs a mother” - and she did but i did not do a good job - i got really tired raising my kids and being a single mom — and i just got tired and she needed so much help - she would emotionally hyjacked me regularly but i became wise to that - she did not like my boundaries but we were so so so close.  She took care of me when i was young and i became the caretaker later.  I feel guilty that I couldn’t do enough - that i didnt pick up her call (she said a nice “hi” on the message and nothing alarming) but i did not answer  because i was tired and dealing with my 11 year old twins.  I miss her so much and i wish so much i could have saved her.  She was 5 years older than I am.  I feel like half of my being is gone.  

[KayC]

I know the loss, I've lost two older sisters, the more recent being my closest one, she was 8 1/2 years older than me and disabled.  She retired at 49 and sat in her recliner ever since, on the phone or reading or watching tv, waiting to die.  She was disabled (falling) since she had an accident at 23 that killed her 3 year old nephew and made my oldest sister quadriplegic.  I think she felt so much subconscious guilt for it...

I was Peggy's caregiver, and since I've had 16 hand injuries including a botched surgery, it made it really tough.  I can totally relate to what you wrote in your post...I too felt the burden but with her dementia, it was a blessing, although it feels weird to say so, yet I miss her each and every day.  It's been 1 1/2 years she's been gone now.  I have no one to tell things to anymore, we were in each other's lives forever, I feel cut adrift now.

My heart goes out to you in your loss.  With ALL of the feelings that come with it.  Do not punish yourself, I too wish I could have made a difference in Peggy's life, but she was stubborn and wouldn't do anything to help herself, nothing.  It's ultimately up to them.

[LeslieAK]

KayC - thank you so much for the heartfelt response.  It does sound similar in that my sister just gave up - she didnt help herself.  A couple months before she died I said - “i will never give up on you and I need you to give me something to not give up on - i cannot override your choices and if you give up on yourself how can i support you?? But I always accepted that my difficult sister was my lot in life, along with my kiddos and partner.  She was always worried about being homeless and I assured her all the time I would never let that happen.  She just gave up and relied on pills - she isolated and rejected solutions we offered like getting a person to come in daily and help her with cleaning etc - she was full of shame and embarrassment - I feel so bad about that - i built her up all the time and visa versa to no avail - i believe she was commited to this end.  The last month of her life is what I am having such a hard time with - I was drowning in my own issues - ex husband suing me to get out of 1K a month child support while he owns 3 houses and has a great job -i fought back with my lawyer and it was an awful experience - i needed to have all the supporting documents wrapped up and the mediation was coming up so I needed to hunker down - also my kids were insanely busy as it was the last school weeks and everything happens then like talent shows etc.  It was just a really hard month - i told my close circle that I was hunkering down and that I couldn’t take calls or deal with stuff for approx a month until i was done with the lawsuit.  Everyone got it.  It was a very gentle request - people didnt take it personally.  My sister took it VERY personally.  2 weeks prior to her death I said - ok things have calmed down.  We went out to dinner with our step dad who was in town - i told her how much i loved and missed her and gave her the biggest hug.  She was texting me asking for plans to come to her apt complex with the kiddos and swim and we were trying to make that happen - she stopped responding to my suggestions for pool time and after a couple of days of radio silence I knew in my heart she was gone - i just knew it.  She would frequently drop off the face of the earth and we would all worry and sometimes i would drive over and check on her and she was ok but i knew this time was different.  I feel so bad I took that month off from all the drama and she was so hurt by that.  But im so happy i was able to tell her how much i loved her and hug her 2 weeks prior.  In her journals i concluded that she was committed to shame and self loathing - fostered from parents and events as a child.  I so wish i had known more about her pain - i didnt understand fully and sometimes would get frustrated and mad at her lack of self help.  Anyways, your sisters story is so so sad.  My god.  I understand your situation and it gave me goosebumps when you replied because I am alone with all of this grief and guilt etc. Thank you so much - i do not feel so alone now.

 

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I know the loss, I've lost two older sisters, the more recent being my closest one, she was 8 1/2 years older than me and disabled.  She retired at 49 and sat in her recliner ever since, on the phone or reading or watching tv, waiting to die.  She was disabled (falling) since she had an accident at 23 that killed her 3 year old nephew and made my oldest sister quadriplegic.  I think she felt so much subconscious guilt for it...

I was Peggy's caregiver, and since I've haf 16 hand injuries including a botched surgery, it made it really tough.  I can totally relate to what you wrote in your post...I too felt the burden but with her dementia, it was a blessing, although it feels weird to say so, yet I miss her each and every day.  It's been 1 1/2 years she's been gone now.  I have no one to tell things to anymore, we were in each other's lives forever, I feel cut adrift now.

My heart goes out to you in your loss.  With ALL of the feelings that come with it.  Do not punish yourself, I too wish I could have made a difference in Peggy's life, but she was stubborn and wouldn't do anything to help herself, nothing.  It's ultimately up to them.

 

[KayC]

I told Peggy more than once that she was committing passive suicide and she said she supposed I was right.  

[KayC]

Peggy was diabetic, I am an administrator for a Diabetic group, I have video links to Keto reversing dementia, I've been on it for years now and have seen it reverse so much, but Peggy wouldn't even try, she'd sneak goodies even though I cooked for her.  She didn't drive so she'd have her friend pick things up for her.  She had COPD and died in her easy chair.   I did everything I could for her, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, drove her to her many doctor's appts. even though it'd be 120+ miles round trip.  I love her, I miss her, but you can't fight the lack of will.  
I totally get what you're saying.