Unsupportive spouse after sudden loss of my baby brother.

[evamarie911]

I lost my 29 year old brother suddenly on July 28, 2023. I’m having a terrible time coping with his loss. To say I’m devastated is an understatement. I’ve been with my husband approx 20 years and he was the first person I’d run to with any issue or problem I ever had. I guess you could say I had an anxious attachment to him and found such comfort and peace when with him. For two weeks after losing my brother he was amazing. So patient, loving, supportive. Then his mom said some mean things to me during my grieving process which really upset me. He didn’t validate my feelings and problems really started from there. There were a few times I got so angry and belligerent because he wouldn’t validate my feelings. It was almost like he refused to help me feel better and all I was asking of him was to tell me he thought I was grieving in a healthy way (which up until then, he had said to me frequently) He started acting distant and cold. Told me I was unreasonable at times for frantically needing to talk to him or be with him even after multiple times of telling him I just needed his presence, more TLC, reassurance and patience. He told me my brothers death “broke” me, he tells me I’m different now and I’ve changed, he gets easily frustrated when I try to tell him my feelings. I don’t understand what’s going on or how he can be so cold. I frequently sob uncontrollably and he sometimes doesn’t even seem to realize I’m in the same room. For days I would obsessively try to text and call him in an attempt to understand me and get back to where we were before. All of a sudden, today-I am giving up. I’ve lost all hope. I still think of the things I wish he would understand but now there is no power behind them to get them out. I’m struggling and not sure what to do from here. Has anyone ever survived a traumatic loss without the support of their spouse? I know I’m different now but I’m suffering and devastated. All I needed was unconditional love even when he thought I was being unreasonable. 

[petitlapin]

Bonjour.

First and foremost you are incredibly strong to be able to carry yourself after losing a sibling. A few months ago I lost my younger brother in an extremely horrific way. To not have your sibling hurts differently as to me, it feels like its a best friend you're born with unconditionally. My heart goes out to you.

Secondly, please be kind to yourself and remember that you are coping with this the way that you currently know how. There is no right or wrong way on how to go through the feelings and thoughts after such an ordeal has occurred. Yes, you've changed. Yes, things are different. It IS expected -- there was a big loss unfortunately afterall. But that does NOT excuse how you feel about how your partners lack of empathy is there.

Maybe he hasn't suffered such a loss and doesn't fully understand how to help you, nor how you're completely feeling. Again this is NOT to validate how you're feeling towards how his actions are nor to take away how you need him more right now. That's a normal reaction to have. Some of my older brothers became more reclusive while other of my older brothers became more attached towards the family when our younger brother passed away suddenly.

Try reaching out to family and your close circle of friends. Try also looking for support groups, it does help. You aren't alone.  ❤️

 

🐇

[evamarie911]

Thank you very much for your response. I appreciate it greatly. It’s just so unimaginable to have my world change in such a painful way, to have my baby brother taken away suddenly. I can’t imagine a world without him. I guess immediately after I found out, I started desperately trying to hold on to everything I could that felt safe and provided me comfort. I am so unsure of everything now so to see a shift in his behavior towards me broke my heart even more than it just had been. I’m trying to be patient and understand we’ve never faced this type of crisis before but I’m having a hard time understanding how you can know and see your partner suffering and not have an autopilot response to let them feel your presence and your love more so now than ever before. I am working on trying to find comfort from other outlets. My mom, my brother, support groups, therapy. They just don’t provided the same comfort I once received from my husband and that has been really difficult for me to process. 
Again, I thank you for your response. I’m also so sorry for your loss and that you’re here in this forum. ❤️