Anger

[James A]

Lately, I've had lots of anger at my partner.  The grief and loss and love is still there.  But the anger is new.

She was an alcoholic for the last 20+ years, and it finally took her life.  She went to rehab and AA and therapy.  She tried cold turkey and medications.  I know she tried.  But I sometimes am so angry that she just wouldn't stop.  Just drive pas the liquor store.  Or just stay home.  Don't even leave the house.  Anything that would've stopped it.

Thinking of all the time we lost with her addiction, all the time we lost in years to come, all our future plans, all gone.  It sometimes brings me such anger that it consumes me.

I'm sure this is not uncommon, but it is new to me.

[KayC]

Anger is an element of grief, it's not uncommon to feel angry at the person who left for leaving you to deal with all this.  Usually in the first year or so.

Anger is an emotion. It need not make sense, it just is.  You are no more at fault for being angry than she is for drinking/leaving.  It was an addiction that got her.  It's hard for us to understand an addiction if we're not the addict.  It's in their dna.  It's like blaming them for their dna, may not make sense, but when we watch it go down, of course we feel angry, why don't they just STOP!  But it's futile, they can't help themselves.  It's like faulting a newborn puppy for peeing.  My dad was alcoholic.  He never quit until in the hospital dying and of course no way  he could bring it in there!  He prayed the prayer and died two days later.  I have  that consolation, but there's still our whole crazy lives and dysfunction him and my mom raised us in.  Miraculously, I'm not alcoholic, my sister Peggy was but she quit cold turkey when her and Bert married.  He could have a drink on Christmas and she'd stay away from it, yet cigarettes were her drug, she couldn't seem to quit no matter how many nicotine patches...

As for your emotion, voice it, get it out, get through it.  We get it.

[ThereIsAField]

I struggle with intense bouts of anger during the grieving... It feels very uncomfortable to me... I feel like I "shouldn't" be angry... That obviously doesn't make it go away... Just adds a layer of guilt to it...

[KayC]

No, do NOT lay that on yourself!  I felt anger at George too for a time, I came to the place of forgiving and accepting him fully as is, just as he would have done for me.  (None of us are perfect or exempt from needing forgiveness.  )

I don't like the title of this as I don't want it confused with the stages of grief, which it's not, but the article itself is good so I hope you'll read it, it's written by a friend of mine.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/01/is-anger-one-of-stages-of-grief.html

[ThereIsAField]

That's a good article! I found the list "You may find yourself feeling angry at: ..." helpful, cos soooo true... And the old adage about which wolf you feed is always a good reminder. Thank you 🧡

[KayC]

You are so welcome!  Been there...

[Sar123]

@KayC Thank you for that link. 

[KayC]

You are so welcome!

[50-Something-Mom]

I felt anger towards my husband for the first 6 months.  He committed suicide and our 13-year-old daughter found him after he shot himself.  I saw red for months and couldn't think of a single good thing from our 25 years together.  I broke a lot of things.  I couldn't help but wonder, how could you do this to us??  Finally at around 6 months I moved into a place of sympathy, compassion, and understanding.  I felt sorry for that little boy who just wanted his parents to love him and ended up in a cycle of depression thanks to their neglect.  I know he is in a better place now and he is no longer in pain.  I know he wants me to be happy and he is always watching over me and our daughter.  I know he loves me and he knows I did the best I could.  I am finally at peace. ❤️

[KayC]

I am so glad you've come to terms with it and are at peace

 

[widower2]

2 hours ago, 50-Something-Mom said:

I felt anger towards my husband for the first 6 months.  He committed suicide and our 13-year-old daughter found him after he shot himself.  I saw red for months and couldn't think of a single good thing from our 25 years together.  I broke a lot of things.  I couldn't help but wonder, how could you do this to us??  Finally at around 6 months I moved into a place of sympathy, compassion, and understanding.  I felt sorry for that little boy who just wanted his parents to love him and ended up in a cycle of depression thanks to their neglect.  I know he is in a better place now and he is no longer in pain.  I know he wants me to be happy and he is always watching over me and our daughter.  I know he loves me and he knows I did the best I could.  I am finally at peace. ❤️

Your anger is understandable to say the least, but I'm glad you were able to get past it. That is a unique kind of loss I won't pretend to understand. I think like most losses, you'd have to experience it to truly "get it."