New here, but not to grief

[Kryssy823]

I lost my Highschool boyfriend to cancer in 2003. I have had 20 amazing years on this planet since, but I have also battled anxiety and depression ever since. I have gone to therapy on multiple occasions and for other reasons and I feel like this trauma has just never been "properly" processed. I have gone through long periods of time where I think of him only in the happiest of memories and I have even had years go by where I don't even remember the dreaded day until it's already passed. This year, the 20th anniversary, has been hard though. It's like I find myself in tears with a lump in my throat daily.

I have a wonderful and understanding partner of nearly 10 years who is very supportive, He and I went back to my hometown last month. He met a lot of friends and family, of the love I lost, and it was wonderful. My partner even participated in a charity golf tournament that the family holds every year (they provide scholarships to our high school's seniors). It was a really lovely time, but it was also a lot. I moved away for college 2 years after my boyfriend passed and while I kept in touch with his family and our friends I hadn't really been "home" in many years. Since I've been back home (I live with my partner in Germany) I have been just utterly exhausted. I work in customer service and going to work has been the worst, because I am not in a place to be putting on a mask and pretending to be anything other than what I am, drowning, in survival mode, etc... My mom put it to me yesterday that "You're like a gazelle that's been running from a lion emotionally for 20 years and your body is holding on to so much unprocessed trauma." I suppose she's not wrong, I'm a mess.

His date of passing is September 17th, I am hoping once this date comes and passes that my high level of emotional distress will also pass. But I am tired of avoiding and running from my pain. I guess the point of all of this is to ask for help from others that know what it's like to lose someone. It wasn't sudden, but when you're young you think you're invincible. I told myself I was strong because I watched someone I love die slowly and painfully. I'm tired of being strong, but I can't stand the constant feeling of falling apart either.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  You have tried to move on without grieving, and it will haunt you until you deal with it.  I'm glad you found your way here, and I hope your partner is understanding.

https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/5502-goodbye-to-goodbye/
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[DWS]

4 hours ago, Kryssy823 said:

I told myself I was strong because I watched someone I love die slowly and painfully. I'm tired of being strong, but I can't stand the constant feeling of falling apart either.

I'm so sorry that such a terrible loss happened to you at such a young age. The death of a loved one is devastating at any stage of one's life but I can see the immense challenge of it happening early on in one's life. There's the well-worn idiom that "kids bounce back quicker" with the notion that your entire life still lies ahead of you. That kind of "pep talk" and pressure likely could backfire with the young person determined to get on with things and not do enough adequate grieving. I imagine there also could be a sense of pride showing how strong we are giving the adults in our life some relief. All of it unknowingly setting up one's self to deal with things down the road. 

It does sound like you've been doing all that you can to deal with your loss with therapy sessions. Having a supportive partner is a major bonus for you...to have someone so loving and concerned for what happened so tragically for you twenty years ago. Your therapists have likely gone over this with you but I'm wondering if you maintain a belief that you should have perhaps grieved more. I think it's a purveying question for all of us here...just how long is grief suppose to last? How do we know when "it's over"?? How do we know that we've grieved enough?  Many of us come to the conclusion that grief doesn't really end because the love of our person doesn't end. Just like in the other thread "Painful Video To See", John Schneider talks about the hole that is left. Our life then builds around the hole....we don't fill it.

I think it all becomes this thing of continual confusion for us. If I build my life around this devastating hole, does that mean I'm leaving my person behind? A painful loss leaves us with so many questions, anxiety and uncertainty. Maybe we need to be okay that there aren't any answers for us and be accepting that this "hole" we live with is a vital, vibrant part of who we are now. A good question might be "who am I without my grief?" In my particular case, I'd be someone who didn't have the experience of sharing four short years with a wonderful, caring man. 

[Kryssy823]

42 minutes ago, DWS said:

I'm so sorry that such a terrible loss happened to you at such a young age. The death of a loved one is devastating at any stage of one's life but I can see the immense challenge of it happening early on in one's life. There's the well-worn idiom that "kids bounce back quicker" with the notion that your entire life still lies ahead of you. That kind of "pep talk" and pressure likely could backfire with the young person determined to get on with things and not do enough adequate grieving. I imagine there also could be a sense of pride showing how strong we are giving the adults in our life some relief. All of it unknowingly setting up one's self to deal with things down the road. 

It does sound like you've been doing all that you can to deal with your loss with therapy sessions. Having a supportive partner is a major bonus for you...to have someone so loving and concerned for what happened so tragically for you twenty years ago. Your therapists have likely gone over this with you but I'm wondering if you maintain a belief that you should have perhaps grieved more. I think it's a purveying question for all of us here...just how long is grief suppose to last? How do we know when "it's over"?? How do we know that we've grieved enough?  Many of us come to the conclusion that grief doesn't really end because the love of our person doesn't end. Just like in the other thread "Painful Video To See", John Schneider talks about the hole that is left. Our life then builds around the hole....we don't fill it.

I think it all becomes this thing of continual confusion for us. If I build my life around this devastating hole, does that mean I'm leaving my person behind? A painful loss leaves us with so many questions, anxiety and uncertainty. Maybe we need to be okay that there aren't any answers for us and be accepting that this "hole" we live with is a vital, vibrant part of who we are now. A good question might be "who am I without my grief?" In my particular case, I'd be someone who didn't have the experience of sharing four short years with a wonderful, caring man. 

Thank you for this response. I really felt it. I think that is the age old question, how do I reconcile these two ideas? Can I be me without my grief? What does that look like?  And if I no longer carry it with me does that diminish the impact this wonderful period time I had and lost has had in my life?  

[DWS]

16 hours ago, Kryssy823 said:

Thank you for this response. I really felt it. I think that is the age old question, how do I reconcile these two ideas? Can I be me without my grief? What does that look like?  And if I no longer carry it with me does that diminish the impact this wonderful period time I had and lost has had in my life?  

I believe that grief will always be there because of the strong pull and love we had to that one particular person. That might not be something that many in our society want to hear or want us to do...the tired trope of life being too short to spend grieving the past...but for many of us, it doesn't seem that we get a choice in it. We can still carry on despite our loss and hold some comfort knowing of that special love. I look at it as a personal strength rather than weakness. 

[KayC]

I so agree.

[widower2]

Well put. It doesn't "go away," but it does evolve...hopefully (and usually) to a more manageable form