Losing my partner to suicide

[lenpai13]

I'm 33, my bf of 7 years killed himself 4 days ago. Yesterday was his 35th birthday. We were in a long distance relationship for a while, he visited me, we were figuring out the best way to join our lives together, and then this happened. I don't know why he did it. I live in a different country and I barely know his family, we've spoken a handful of times so I feel like im basically a stranger to them. I always thought there would be time for that. For 7 years I spent every waking moment of my life on the phone with this man and now my life is so empty. He was my everything and my best friend and I don't have anyone to talk to besides my parents who are saying all the wrong things to me right now. I just need someone to talk to. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  It's the hardest thing in the world to have to experience. I want you to know that you have found a caring place where others have also gone through it.  It helps to come here to read and post, and know there are others that get it, you can't if you haven't been through it and we wish that on no one.

Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide
Spouse's Suicide
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[lenpai13]

Thank you KayC

[DWS]

1 hour ago, lenpai13 said:

He was my everything and my best friend and I don't have anyone to talk to besides my parents who are saying all the wrong things to me right now. I just need someone to talk to. 

My heart goes out to you on such a tremendous and tragic loss for you. With it being just four days ago, there really isn't anything that anyone can say to help at this point. Your mind is overwhelmed with so much pain and major confusion. I know your parents are saying all the wrong things. I imagine they're saying things that feel dismissive and dishonourable of the seven year relationship and connection that you and your partner had. I'm hoping that you do find a way to get more in touch with his family because you do need some understanding of why this happened. Hopefully, they can shed some understanding to you. Seven years is a very long time for your heart's focus on another. Everyone here knows how special that is and the sheer emptiness and despair of the loss. For now, be extra gentle and caring of yourself. Warmest hugs to you. Your heart will be heard here. 

[shawnt]

I am so sorry. Be very gentle and kind to yourself, do it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to.

No one ever says the right things, try and feel the intent and not hear the words that hurt and anger, most people mean well they just don't know any better.

When you can ; reach out for help. Group, counsellor, Dr., And this site helps.

Others here know your pain and sometimes just reading about their path helps. It has helped me.

Eat something.Sleep ( use medication if you have to)

For the next while it is ok if your not ok.

[KayC]

@shawnt You always offer good advice.