Missing my Dad.

[Paddyk]

Originally from Ireland I’ve been living abroad for the past 18 years.  I went home to see my folks ever 2 years or so and at times they came to visit me.  Over the years I’d call my folks regularly and in the last few years I’d video call them.  For the entire previous 18 years I’ve been dreading that enviable phone call.  June 1st 2023 I got that call.  “Dad has had a heart attack and he’s in hospital”.  First questions  I asked was “how is he and do I need to come home”. My family assured me he was ok and not to come home, that they’d find out more from the doctors and keep me posted.  Over the next 11 days I could hardly sleep or eat with worry and checking in every few hours. He’d had heart problems in the past but this time my instincts felt different.  I booked tickets for myself, my wife and out son and we flew home on June 11th.  He was still in hospital and I went to visit him every day and I’d stay till nurses kicked me out.  He seemed to be getting better.  On June 23rd he fell ill again.  After he had some tests and a minor procedure , he was sedated and I was sitting by his side waiting for him to wake up.  The doctor arrived and asked if he could have a word with me.  He explained my dads  complicated and serious situation along with two choices.  Think about his future quality of life or make him comfortable assuring me he’s feel no pain.  I’ve never felt so numb in my life.  The dreaded inevitable came to be.  The nurses did their best to comfort me.  Some of them even cried with me.  I texted the rest of the family to come to the hospital.  Together with the doctors there to answer our questions we made the decision to keep make him comfortable.  I only left his side over the next days to go to the toilet and quickly grab some food. Watching him fade over the following 52 hours was the hardest thing i’ver ever had to do in my life.  I was by his side holding his hand as he took his last breath.  I’m grateful I got to be there for him but at the same time haunted by watching him going from being the strongest man I knew to this.  For the sake of my mum and the family I swallowed down my pain and stayed strong.  I stayed for 2 weeks after the funeral but had to return to Canada.  Returning home I’ve been trying to remain strong for my wife and my son.  I’ll always insist I’m ok when asked but to be honest I’m hurting so much.  I cry every time I’m alone.  I’ve never burdened anyone with my problems in the past and now I feel I can’t talk to anyone I know.  The pain of the grief and the sadness are weighing heavily on my heart and soul. I can’t stop thinking about his last breath and find it almost impossible to look at pictures of him.  I know in time I’ll heal  I know the pain will become easier to deal with.  For now , I’m lost without the greatest man I’ve ever known. He was my inspiration for every thing. My greatest mentor and the man I hoped to be when I became a dad. At the funeral everyone told me how I looked just like him. It’s probably one of the greatest compliments I’ve received.  
I just wanted to share my story. This was for now my only option to open up about my grief.  It just seems easier to talk to some people I don’t know but also have something in common with.   
For all of you who are dealing with loss or grief I’d like to over you my deepest condolences and I hope you’ll find the strength and comfort you need to find peace.  
 

 

[Daddys girl kw]

hi 

 

i’m really sorry for your loss, i lost my dad on 23 of may 2022 … well it gets more familiar never easier … it’s ok to be strong for your family and it’s ok to vent for strangers.. that went through the same situation , it made me feel a bit better and it  made me feel less lonely in my pain and grief, u see each one of us grief in a unique way … i really hope you find peace in your heart and i hope you take it easy and don’t force yourself into forgetting or getting over ur sadness fast to please others , you don’t need to share everything but you need to make sure that everyone around you understands that you are going through a tough time so they won’t feel isolated from you , feel your feeling , let the sadness pass  through you  don’t fight it or suppress it , i  hope knowing that i know your pain and i know how you feel help you a little, and make you feel less lonely in your pain .. so so sorry for your loss 

 

take care