A tentative hello from the intersection of grief and anxiety

[wvbee]

Hi, all.  New here.

I'm forty.  My mom passed away about ten months ago from colon cancer.  She had been through one bout of it and chemotherapy was successful; it returned a year later and within six months she was gone.

I'm writing because I really could use a reality check, or some context for where I'm at in this grieving process.  I'm a mess!  I had generalized anxiety disorder before, but now it's through the roof.  Everything feels like so much on top of missing Mom that I'm struggling.  Even supposedly happy things feel hard.  I had flight anxiety before she ever got sick, but now I'm scheduled for a "dream vacation" in three weeks and I get sick to my stomach even thinking about going.  How can I when I'm a jittery, exhausted mess?

Do others experience this?  I have nothing to compare it to; Mom is the first major loss I've faced.  We were close close friends and it's hit me hard.  I know there's no "normal" with grief - my therapist tells me this is pretty par for the course - but I feel a guilt over it, as though I shouldn't be so anxious or in pieces. As though I should feel better by now, or be excited to go on a vacation, or...

Just wondering if others have experienced this aspect and can offer any hope.

 

[Jessica Martin]

Hello, i understand sick to your stomach. I am not a expert at grief. But, i bought a book on its way to me to aid this lifelong process. And i joined this community. 
i believe we search out connection, to understand and try to get relief from grief. Which so far has felt just not enough. 
So no great advice but sending love to you while you go through this unwrlcomed time. 

[Daddys girl kw]

OMG my dear i feel the same way i lost my dad a year ago .. some days i’m ok … others i’m crying all day everywhere … it’s totally normal .. also suddenly i’m super anxious about flying suffocating anxiety even though i never had this before … started to hate happy occasions as it’s remind me that i can’t share it with him .. it all NORMAL just try not to get lost in your feelings understand the feel but then let it go , feeling bad about having  a hard time dealing with it … the fact that you’re reaching now and writing about it prove you are trying to live through it and accept it .. that’s a huge step ! i’m so proud of you for writing about your feelings and opening up to others who are in the same situation as you, My dear go to your vacation, of course you won’t be excited about it now you’ve been through a lot … just go heal , breath  and feel grateful for your blessings… don’t feel guilty for not being ok .. you will be , but until then just feel your feelings and breath ❤️

 

 

May you find peace in your heart ❤️ 

[Traz]

Dear wvbee,

I am truly sorry about the loss of your mom and I believe from my own experience the first year is very hard.

I also have an anxiety disorder and I can tell you it became much worse after the death of my mom. The pandemic hit shortly after her passing and both my adult kids moved back home. The stress of it all sent  my anxiety through the roof and I started having panic attacks. My anxiety had been very well managed up to that point- about 15 years, prior to everything going to hell!

Three months after my mom passed (before Covid) we went on vacation and I had panic and anxiety on that trip. I luckily had some Lorazepam to take for the flight though, which really helped. But during that trip, I wanted to come home SO badly. I felt trapped and desperate. I calmed down near the end of the week, but when I got home I had to talk to my doctor and get him to increase my meds. No shame in that and at that point, I really didn't care.

That was four years ago, but I'm in a much better place now. I think if people have anxiety, a life changing event like your parent dying is going to exacerbate it. 

I really think a vacation might really help to redirect your focus but I would speak to your family doctor and tell him what you've been going through. Maybe he can prescribe you something mild just to have on the flight to get you through. You want to be able to enjoy your vacation, you deserve it. 

Just a thought - I always bring a journal on vacation, a good book and some sketching materials. Doing something creative is really helpful to get you out of your own head.

Thinking of you, and wishing you well. 

Traz

 

[Michelle79]

I lost my dad June 28, 2022 and my mom on January 2, 2023. My Mom was by best friend. My parents were married 50 years. I truly believe that she grieved herself to death.

I have been a mess. I am not quite sure what will trigger it. I have broken down crying a couple of times at work. The world felt gray. Over the summer, I talked to a grief counselor (5 sessions). It really helped.

The counselor assured me that I was not going crazy. The anxiety mixed with grief was really messing with my daily living. 

If you haven't spoken to a counselor already, I recommend it, but do what's best for you. Everyone grieves differently.

I was hesitant to speak to a counselor, because I thought it would make me sadder. Instead, it was healing. Of course, I am still sad, but I noticed that it especially helped with the anxiety part.

Also, I got my doctor to prescribe me hydroxazine for anxiety, as needed. It is a cousin to Benadryl. The hydroxazine does not make me tired just calmer. It is sometimes prescribed for itching, too. It is very safe and well tolerated. I have never had a doctor say no. It is not a controlled substance at all.

[Michael Thyfault]

You are a beautiful person, I can see that in between your words.

It is so hard to lose your parents. I lost both of mine.  You seem very overwhelmed and I hope you are able to find some peace. I also hope your dream vacation is wonderful. which may have already happened. 

I know there is hope, because all my loved ones are now looking out for me from above, or so I tell myself. I know they all would very much want me to be be happy and succeed in life, but the loss is damned overwhelming.

I too was on anxiety medicine and then antidepressants when I lost the other 4 members of my immediate family. Doses were raised, and I got on more medicines. No matter what medicines I was on, I still felt the pain and anxiety, but mostly I was so numb I could hardly feel anything else.  I ended up eventually quitting all my anxiety and antidepressant medicines and it was crazy hard to do so. But I knew as long as I was stuck and so numbed up that I could barely breath. The last thing I needed was more medications to bring me up or bring me down, like a lifeless Yo-Yo. 

My experience dealing with a lot of bad feelings, is metaphorically, they are like bad eggs that hatch into dragons, and grow larger and larger and larger, the more I run from them.  Sometimes I was so desperate not to let the lake of black tar suck me in, I ran faster and faster. The dragons grew stronger and stronger and almost ended me. 

With a lot of help from a therapist, I know try to  tell those monsters, "Thank you for your time, but I must move on," taking their power away.   When they come out of the cave to get me, I can't ignore them, and even when it is beyond difficult when they keep coming and coming, over and over again,.   

The terrible loneliness of no more family moments, the feelings of being isolated, with no one who can understand me it is difficult. I do have a friend who lost her mother 20 years ago and since my dad died last May, she often tells me that I will slowly grow accustomed to the loss, even though she is always talking about her mother's death. It is also kind frustrating when she talks about her problems with her brother and father and I think, "At least they are still alive," which I know is a little crazy.  I know she means well.  Her husband doesn't listen to her, and their gay roommate is as supportive as he can be, but I know she also deals with lonesome feelings. 

I know everyone has their own personal way of grieving, we have to find our own way.

Sometimes I am impatient with myself for not getting past it, sometimes it is just frustrating because it never seems to end. Sometimes I remember that I am still a good person don't expect the world to be fair, just be fair and kind to yourself.

I wish you all the best and hope that you and I will both find some peace with all of this stuff.

Sincerely, Michael

Edited September 28, 2023 by Michael Thyfault
Misspelled a word

[Munning]

I've seen many folks who've gone through similar experiences, and what I can say is that it does get better with time, even though it might not feel like it now. Be patient with yourself, and don't add guilt to the mix. It's okay to be anxious, sad, and to struggle. It's all part of the process.
And if you ever need a way to relax and ease some of that anxiety, in my opinion, the best HHC Gummies can be a soothing option. But remember, it's just a suggestion for those moments when you need a little extra comfort.

[FyrruPuff]

I can't speak for everyone, but I know many people go through similar experiences when dealing with grief. It's like carrying this heavy weight that makes everything feel harder, even the supposedly happy stuff. Your flight anxiety is understandable; it's a manifestation of the emotional turmoil you're going through.Your therapist is right; there's no "normal" with grief. It's different for everyone, and there's no timeline for when you should feel better.I found some valuable info about mental health on MentalHealth.com. It's worth checking out for resources and advice during this challenging time.