New to the board

[James A]

First time posting.  Hoping to find some advice on dealing with my current situation.

On August 8th I came home to find my girlfriend of 23 years in her bed.  She was an alcoholic from the day we met.  Over the last 4 years things had gotten really bad.  There were weeks sometimes months of sobriety when we got along almost like old times.  But when she was in a drinking binge, I couldn't talk to her or reason with her and eventually quit trying.

Over the last 4 years I got her into rehab 3 times, multiple therapists, group therapy, outpatient rehab, AA twice.  I eventually quit trying.  Now that she's gone, I feel tremendous guilt for giving up.  She had no brothers or sisters, her mom is not healthy mentally, she had pushed most of her friends away.  I was all that was left, and I quit on her.

On top of the guilt and pain of loss, I am also lost and without hope.  I always hoped the next try would work.  Even when things were at there worst, I had that hope.  Every day I was home my life was consumed with keeping her safe and worrying about her drinking and health.  Now that is gone, and it seems I have no purpose.

Sleeping and eating are still a problem, the guilt is eating me alive.  I just don't know what else to try.

Any help would be appreciated.

Thank you.

James

[KayC]

You are not responsible for her. No one but her can make those choices.  What do you mean, now that she's gone? Did she die or just leave? That part isn't clear.  But either way, you are not responsible for her choices, she alone is.  You have done quite a lot already for her and that didn't ultimately change anything, I'm sorry, but that is the truth.  I wish I could help you through this, but quite honestly, only you can decide for yourself too. 
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Address Guilt When Grieving

 

[James A]

Yes, she was dead when I came home.  We're not sure if was organ failure, malnutrition, or alcohol poisoning.  But the alcohol was the root cause.

[DWS]

I am so sorry for this huge loss that has happened to you only three weeks ago. You are likely still in shock and all of this is so raw for you right now. I will say that your love for your partner comes shining through and your commitment to keeping her safe is something to hold onto. Just from what you've written, I am pretty certain that you never truly gave up. Perhaps the effort lessened a bit at times but the hope and devotion to her remained strong. Please don't punish yourself now. Feel the loss and the grief of her absence. That is how you can honour her and the connection that the two of you had over all of those years. 

[KayC]

Wow, that is rough, and with such a long term relationship. I understand. Ido hope you will look at the links and watch the video, maybe one a day.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

James:  Welcome to our board. We are sorry for your loss. Many of us have second guessed ourselves after losing our partners. After much thought, I realized that in my care taking, I did as best as “humanly possible.” Caring for someone you love can be exhausting; and there are times when we just feel like taking a break from it all, but we continue on. That is the painful side of love; and you’ve demonstrated that in a remarkable way over the years; and only a handful of people such as yourself would have continued to hang in there after all those years.

Please continue to post on this board. There are a lot of kind, sympathetic folks here who will help you navigate through this difficult period of your life. We’re here to support and encourage one another; and we do it one day at a time.

 

 

[KayC]

James, I received this in my email this morning, it reminded me of your situation...please try not to accept the guilt you are feeling. Remember, feelings are not facts.

This E-mail Edition was delivered to kaycstamper@gmail.com because you have subscribed to the free DearAbby.com Daily Newsletter   Woman Cuts Grandparents' Access to Their Grandson - August 29, 2023 -   DEAR ABBY: I have had a wonderful relationship with my only grandson for nine years. Since I retired, he visits every other weekend, which makes me so happy. He has autism and didn't speak for the first six years, but now he talks constantly. It's wonderful. I'm very close to my son as well. I guess you know what's coming: My daughter-in-law cut my grandchild out of my life four months ago. She says he was molested in my care by my husband. I took my husband of 13 years, who has never been alone with my grandson, ever, to the police station. He passed all lie detector tests, and the police said they believe my husband. My grandson didn't say a word; only my DIL spoke. I had CPS come out and they did a thorough investigation. They said that, in their opinion, she was making this up. She hasn't spoken to her family in 12 years. She cuts everyone off if they upset her. My grandson needs me. What can I do? My son says if I move and live next door to them, I can see him every day. But, I don't believe that would last either. I'm sure she would just come up with something else. Any ideas? -- ACHING HEART IN TEXAS DEAR ACHING HEART: If your son is suggesting that you move next door -- presumably without your husband -- it is a nonstarter. The person who could fix this is your son. Because the accusation your DIL made was groundless, your son should insist you have visitation with your grandson. However, if that doesn't happen, then remember Texas is a state in which grandparents do have some rights. Therefore, it may benefit you to discuss this matter with an attorney specializing in family law. Wife's Alcoholism Puts Man in Unfamiliar Role - August 29, 2023 -   DEAR ABBY: I have been married to the same woman for 35 years. She has been an alcoholic for the last 20. She has done four stints in rehab facilities. She comes out healthy for a while, then starts drinking again. She hasn't yet realized that she can't drink one glass of wine and stop there. It seems to get worse each time. We work together, and I have had to take all her hours away because she's not reliable. I'm holding on to our job and taking care of my aging parents. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. It was OK, but only a few of the people in the room were male. Throwing a man out is a lot easier than throwing a woman out. I think about leaving her all the time, but there are risks to my house, our dog and even the general public if I leave her alone. Is there any solution for someone like me? -- AT WITS' END IN CALIFORNIA DEAR AT WITS' END: Talk to a family law attorney and ask what your options are. You cannot save your wife from herself or her addiction. When she picks up that glass, she has already made a choice, and it is NOT your marriage or your partnership. She will not become responsible for herself unless she is forced to be. By staying with her, you are enabling her. I apologize if this seems harsh, but it is the truth.

[shawnt]

I am sorry for your loss.

You can not carry that weight, it's not yours. When booze grabs someone hard it is their fight and their choices that matter. I come from a long line of boozers and have lost several close to me. Some can not stop but that's on them.

Go to some meetings at AA , talk to the recovered and get their prospective, they are a generous and sharing group and they will tell you that you could not have stopped her.

You loved her and that's the only thing that really matters , let the rest go and grieve what's been lost, your love for her is real.

[James A]

That was my first thought.  To go by an AA meeting just to get some insight.

I went to some group meetings with her outpatient therapy for substance abuse.  The anxiety of all of them was so perplexing.  I never got a handle on it.  Little things that make everyone anxious made them anxious.  But they felt it so much harder and coped with alcohol and drugs.

I do realize now that if I'd had 100 more chances, I'd still fail.  If there had been any way to force her into sobriety, it would've happened.  The guilt is still there, but I know I couldn't fix it.

[KayC]

I thought about that too, maybe an Al-anon meeting...

Sound advice, Shawn.

[Roxeanne]

James i'm so sorry...it's not your fault at all! You did everything you can do...we are not super heroes! We are only humans...and they fought their demons, only them could save themselves!

I felt guilty for a long time, then through the similar experiences of others i understand that we could do nothing...and in my experience nothing worked unfortunately!

[James A]

Over the last nine years I've lost my father, my niece, my big brother, and now my partner.  She was all I had left, and I feel I have no purpose any longer.  As bad as things were, I miss worrying about her, fighting with her.  I miss the bad as much as the good.  It had become my daily life for the last 3 years, day in and day out. 
Now I am rudderless and adrift.  No heirs, no family, nothing to give my life meaning.  Even when she was drunk, she was still here.  I couldn't talk to her or get her to go to rehab, but I still had her here and I had the hope that one day we could fix things.

Without that hope, I'm not sure what else to do with myself. 

[LMR]

That is so sad and Ii so sorry that you are having to struggle through alone. There is no easy path. I hope you have some friends to support you.

It may sound simplistic but many people here have found having a pet to help some. I think it is having someone who needs you and they do give their love unconditionally. Just a thought maybe for later.

 

[Roxeanne]

8 hours ago, James A said:

Even when she was drunk, she was still here.  I couldn't talk to her or get her to go to rehab, but I still had her here and I had the hope that one day we could fix things.

I understand you and sometimes i felt that for my partner...but then i felt i can't prefer my partner here suffering again! They suffered...it's sure, even if i could not figure out at the time! 

 

 

2 hours ago, LMR said:

. I think it is having someone who needs you and they do give their love unconditionally. Just a thought maybe for later.

It's a good advice! It help have someone alive in your house, who need you...my female cat comforted me with her presence in that terrible first months alone...

Hope you can find some solace here with us 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, LMR said:

many people here have found having a pet to help some.

Mine is my life.  Without which...I don't know... it's someone to love and who loves you.  They makes you smile, give you a reason to keep going, incentive.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

it's someone to love and who loves you.  They makes you smile, give you a reason to keep going, incentive.

Salem (our cat) has been a blessing to us (especially over the past year). This week it finally came to mind that even though every one of us have experienced losses on this board, we should remember those family and friends who are still alive and part of our lives. Maybe by thinking this it's a step moving forward for me. 

[DWS]

14 hours ago, James A said:

She was all I had left, and I feel I have no purpose any longer.  As bad as things were, I miss worrying about her, fighting with her.  I miss the bad as much as the good.  It had become my daily life for the last 3 years, day in and day out. 
Now I am rudderless and adrift.  No heirs, no family, nothing to give my life meaning.  Even when she was drunk, she was still here.  I couldn't talk to her or get her to go to rehab, but I still had her here and I had the hope that one day we could fix things.

Without that hope, I'm not sure what else to do with myself. 

I think the best that any of us can do is trust that, in time, we will drift somewhere. Particularly in those first few weeks and months, drifting is about all we can do. For now,  try to be a good friend to yourself...being careful and mindful of your physical and mental health at such a crucial time. This is grief and it is the result and extension of the love and commitment you have with your partner. Despite your understanding of how challenging things were, there is no reason at all to defend why you hurt. Maybe that is one thing that you can try to let go. That would be a self-loving thing to do. 

[KayC]

2 minutes ago, DWS said:

try to be a good friend to yourself...being careful and mindful of your physical and mental health

Yes and be patient and understanding of yourself, like you would a best friend...because you are your own best friend now.

3 minutes ago, DWS said:

there is no reason at all to defend why you hurt.

Absolutely!  Grief is what it is, we feel what we feel, the only thing is, remind yourself of positive things about yourself so you don't get stuck in the rabbit hole.

[James A]

I have her dog.  She loved animals and her dog was so important to her.  She clings to me now, my little buddy.

I am attempting to get my life on course.  I have been consumed with her problems for years, and I have ignored myself.  Eating and sleeping have been an issue for the last few weeks.  I have been trying to at least eat 1 meal a day, but sleeping brings dreams that haunt me sometimes.  I prefer not to use medication.  I'm sure it will pass.

I had plans to visit the Grand Canyon for the first time this weekend.  Originally, I had planned to skip it.  But now, I've decided to go.  Hopefully it will keep me busy and take my mind off things. 
I know time will help.  I've always been obsessed with puzzles and fixing  things.  So losing this fight has been difficult and I fell right back into looking for a fix.

There is no fix.  I saw a video saying the first step in getting over this situation is to realize you'll never get over this.  It hit home.  I'll always miss her and what we had.  Thoughts of her fill my mind all day and night.  I realize this will dissipate over time, but I will always have that pain with me.  And that's how it should be since she was so important to me.  You can't erase the pain, only embrace it and carry on.

I'd like to thank everyone who posted.  It's nice to know there are others who have been through similar issues and came out ok.  Thank you all.

[KayC]

2 minutes ago, James A said:

I had plans to visit the Grand Canyon for the first time this weekend

I'm so glad you're going ahead with it!

2 minutes ago, James A said:

I saw a video saying the first step in getting over this situation is to realize you'll never get over this.

So true. But it won't always stay at this level of intensity and pain either, it evolves. If it hadn't, I couldn't have made it through 18 years.

[lenpai13]

Dear James I am so sorry for your loss and so thankful to read a little bit of your story. I lost my partner a few days ago and trying to figure out a way to move on despite the pain and guilt is hard. I think you should be proud of yourself for getting up every day and making an effort to live, you might be stronger than you give yourself credit in these terrible moments. Personally what helps me ease the pain a little and deal with the emptiness is doing good in the world and trying to help others in whatever small way I can. Maybe you see a hungry animal on the street and you go to the store and get it some food,  maybe you volunteer for a cause that is close to your heart, or maybe you just spend 20 mins replying to someone on a grief forum hoping it will give them some strength and make them smile  Being of service to others is a great comfort to me and I hope that it can be for you as well. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to reach out, you're not alone. 

Lena

[RichS]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

But it won't always stay at this level of intensity and pain either, it evolves. If it hadn't, I couldn't have made it through 18 years.

This past week I finally started realizing that I should be thankful for the family and friends that I still have in my life. I'll always have Chris in my heart and it pains me that she's gone, but at least I'm appreciating that I have others here with me.

[shawnt]

Amen to that.

[RichS]

13 hours ago, James A said:

I realize this will dissipate over time, but I will always have that pain with me.  And that's how it should be since she was so important to me.  You can't erase the pain, only embrace it and carry on.

It didn't take me long to realize that grief is a painful form of love; and it will always hurt. I still have to come to full grips with that.

 

I'd like to thank everyone who posted.  It's nice to know there are others who have been through similar issues and came out ok.

Continue to post on this board, James. We're all each other's "invisible friends." Here, you'll find the support, sympathy and friendship that helps us all get through our grief. It's helped me tremendously.

 

[RichS]

4 hours ago, lenpai13 said:

maybe you just spend 20 mins replying to someone on a grief forum hoping it will give them some strength and make them smile

Lenpai13 : Welcome to our board. We are all very sorry for your loss. Please continue to post here. We are here for you and each other every day to bring comfort, sympathy and understanding. I've been here for 8 months and it's helped me in getting to deal with my grief.

[William M]

I feel for you.  My late wife had a drinking problem too.  She came from a horrific childhood and was already a drinker when I met her at just 17. She was always able to keeps it in check with just a couple drinks on some nights. At some point after our son married and moved away she finally lost control. Drinking during the day, not going to work, passing out some nights.  You know the drill. I trying everything. Searching for hours every night for hidden bottles. begging, pleading. I would even drive her to a AA meeting, sitting in my car for hours waiting on work nights then finding her drinking again the next day. My bags were packed and unpacked multiple times.

We both know, there was nothing nothing nothing! you could have done. It was the must frustrating experience of my life. I felt helpless, and hopeless.

By some miracle she hit bottom and never drink a drop again.  I was thrilled and finally a happy person again. Things were going great again for a few years, when she suddenly died of a heart attack at 51. I think the past heavy drinking could have been a factor, and sometimes wonder how thing would have turned out if I could have stopped it years earlier,  before there was a problem.  We both know this wouldn't have worked.

 

You did what you could, as did I

 

[James A]

Thank you all again.

I saw a little wood sign in a store coming back from the Grand Canyon that had a bee and said Bee Grateful.  She had little positivity signs like that on the wall as if she was trying to force happiness upon herself.  It made me chuckle at the time, but it has really stayed with me.

It was right.  I shouldn't fell guilt for what wasn't or was said or done by me, or my  beloved partner, or her mom, or her friends.  I should focus that energy on being grateful for the time we had, the memories we made, and the love we shared.  It's really helped me move pass that guilt.  The pain and loss are still there, of course.  But the guilt is not quite gone, but going. 

I am attempting to only be grateful for what she gave me in her time here on earth.  We had no children and her mom is advanced in years.  So the better and healthier I am, the longer I'll live.  The longer I live, the longer her memory will live in me. 

It may seem silly, but that little sign helped me so much.

[KayC]

I love this post James...a reminder to me to be grateful for what is rather than lamenting what isn't.