still life with questions

[Boggled]

The sadness just keeps coming.   For me, almost 15 months now.

I've been embarrassed and not posting but reading on here for months now.   Well I'm back.  

My 2012 Volt just stopped running on Friday, in 103F heat, driving up a long hill.  I was able to pull over and some people driving by gave me a ride about the remaining 5 miles to home.   Towing service picked it up.  Going to dealership.

There is "sentimental value" to that Volt for me, since my husband and I had bought it in 2013, after he had told me to research and "we can buy any car you want."  That's the sentiment, a strong memory, that delight I felt that he freely gave me that choice, that he freely agreed to my choice, that back in the day, neither of us had any inkling that someday he would be gone, (crying) and the Volt would still be "our car," when it's just me, just me all alone, left to make choices and deal with the problem of what to do now??  when it just quit working and had to be left on the side of the road. 

Financially, I'll be okay.  But consciousness-wise, it's a shock.  

But it's just part of the grieving.  In fact, it's not that big of a deal!  that's what I realized ... I'm becoming a pro at sadness?  A little grief like the car dying is not THAT bad?  Making the decision of "what to do" is more grieving to me.  Because my husband would have been the one who dealt with such a problem ... when he was here.  

Now I'm wondering if I could just have the whole vehicle "refurbished?"  (new batteries for the whole Volt?) because I LOVE that car, have loved it since WE bought it, because it's been steady, reliable, and very economical on gas for 11 years now.  And also because it's a link to the past.  I've been really big about "holding on," even still have Steve's sandals still sitting on his side of the bed where he always stepped into them first thing in the morning.   

It's my choice so far.   Holding on with an IRON GRIP.  Holding on!  yeah, sometimes I do seem, yeah, a little ... whacked.  But whatever my brain is doing, or my soul?  it's doing it.  Whoever "I" am.  I've tried to "understand" this grieving.  I've read books and online articles for 15 months now.  Conclusion ... nobody really knows anything to help.  You just have to keep going through it and your head will shape itself over time.    Lots of time.   With waves.  

In the past couple of weeks, I've had some moments of feeling "I'm better!"  WHAT is better?   I've been thinking about that title, "How Stella Got Her Groove Back," looking up "moxie" and "mojo" and "groove," ... well anyway,  My "groove" that I used to have, that confidence and certainty that even my kittens are showing now that they've achieved 5 months, that is a huge part of "who we are," and that departed seemingly entirely the night my husband departed, has been showing little sparks of maybe something coming back?  just now and then.  Not that I'm doing anything I can understand to help it.  My brain or soul or spirit is doing it separately from my consciousness.  welllp, got this book at the library called Incognito, by David Eagleman, one more book about how consciousness isn't in charge of "us."   "We" are unknown.  And then there's the "electromagnetic being" that "afterlife" books say we carry on as.  Latest purchase on that front:  Afterlife Revealed by Michael Tymn.   Haven't read it yet.  Partly, I doubt I will be absolutely convinced ... haven't been convinced by anything yet ... I just have this heavy questioning and longing (of course) and wondering ... who is God?  who was Jesus?  who are we?  Jesus said something like "know ye not that you are gods?" ... with a small "g," and if I'd been there I'd have said NO!  We didn't KNOW THAT!  Please explain!  And the way He asked it, as IF we are supposed to KNOW it (?)    what are we?  I do believe that I felt my husband ... and that his spirit carried on ... after his body died.  That I do believe.  Empirical, for me.  Which still leaves a lot of questions.  

I THINK in about the past few months I've been coming to the slow conclusion that his spirit has carried on and whatever and wherever and however "he" is, is "okay."  Pray for the dead?  oh yes.  I do.  Don't really care what any book or group says or thinks, I do.   

Anyway, I guess it's the car shocker that's pushed me into actually posting on here again.  Hi people!

I've been reading all of your posts on here and quietly agreeing with many of them.  Thank you for this webpage.  Thank you for your posts!  I hope some of you will respond to this one, just so I ... I ... me ... another grieving spouse ... can be recognized as being.  ... here.  Being here.  Trying to figure it out too.  

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Boggled said:

  that's what I realized ... I'm becoming a pro at sadness? 

It's good to hear from you again and your thought venture that you've encountered along this grief journey. So much of it resonates and equates to my journey and I'm certain others here as well. I think it helps validate us. When you mentioned that your husband's sandals still sit at his side of the bed, I burst out in tears. I know exactly what this means to you and it helps justify my grief. And yes, becoming a pro at sadness seems to be a weird but important part of this. I think we have to in order to survive mentally. 

[KayC]

Of course you could hav e the Volt refurbished, my son does that to vehicles, I think he owns 23 or so now.  There's always someone willing and able.  But I understand the connection you feel with it, with those memories...

[Boggled]

My Volt went through "fundamental front end overload," the same thing that's happened to me.  

I well remember that phrase, "fundamental front end overload," used over and over again by this old friend of mine who had been diagnosed as "mentally ill," "bipolar."  Me, I know what happened to him was "fundamental front end overload," when his wife left him ... "nervous breakdown," the fundamental things that happen in our heads, "propulsion has been reduced."   (hahaha sigh).  

[shawnt]

I always love my cars, but it is a mistake to love them too much. For me it's never the car itself, it is the memories. But memories are free and mechanics cost $120/hr.

Part of our journey is letting things go that don't fit anymore or cost to much to carry .

On a hook at my cabin is bush jacket she wore here and I smell it every time I go past, mostly it makes me cry but sometimes it brings a smile and that makes me feel good to remember the happiness she brought into my life.

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

My Volt went through "fundamental front end overload," the same thing that's happened to me.  

Ima going to start using that as a good response to "how are you doing".

"I'm still dealing with fundamental front end overload and how are you". 

[Boggled]

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

Part of our journey is letting things go that don't fit anymore or cost to much to carry .

Decisions such as letting things go are difficult, there are so many aspects to making such a decision, eh?  

To refer to the decision about the Volt, the dealership called a few minutes ago and said "we can't make it do anything," and I suggested they try charging it up ... which they can't do because it's out in their lot about 300 yards from where they could charge it.   Aspects of the decision:

1)  sentimentality for the past and the memories

2)  It's a special kind of hybrid that GM came up with and for some reason decided to stop doing.  They don't make 'em anymore.  It's a GREAT kind of hybrid though, and iirc it only has around 77,000 miles on it, interior and exterior in great shape, up until now it's driven like a champ, what I can find online about "service StabiliTrak" and "service Brake Assist," (the two messages it had on it when it stopped) seem to mean it's not going to be super-expensive to fix.

3)  The batteries ARE 11 years old.  And batteries in a Volt are really a big deal.

4)  but replacing the batteries may indeed not be cost effective.

... but to carry on with the idea of "letting things go," insofar as WHAT to "let go," partly although memories are free, they also fade.  Having "things" that jog the memories is worthwhile, as you express about your wife's bush jacket, Shawnt.  I'm CLINGING.  With an IRON GRIP as mentioned.  Well to compare, whoever programmed the "propulsion is reduced" into the Volt programming, did it as a protective measure.  My biological programming, I suppose, has programmed in "cling with an iron grip" into my genetic code.  (hahahahaha!  ... SIGH!)  maybe that too is a protective measure.  

39 minutes ago, DWS said:

Ima going to start using that as a good response to "how are you doing".

hahaha.   I LOVE humor.  Don't understand humor either, along with all the other things I'm realizing I don't understand.  I don't have to understand it, though, because I recognize it.  (haha) yeah.  I "ACCEPT"it.   Humor I can accept.  For death, though, I need a different word.

[LMR]

@Boggled Is there somewhere you could just keep it to sit in occasionally? At least until you feel more comfortable with parting with it.

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

I don't understand humor either, along with all the other things I'm realizing I don't understand.  I don't have to understand it, though, because I recognize it.  (haha) yeah.  I "ACCEPT"it.   Humor I can accept.  For death, though, I need a different word.

I don't understand it at all. I have said here many times that death is an alien concept to me, as if I had never heard of it until it took my love.

[RichS]

Welcome back to the board. I can relate to a lot of your thoughts and feelings (Is this my role at this stage of my life? Where am  I going with all of this?). What I’ve come to realize is that we will never be able to totally figure out who we are and where we are going for the rest of our lives. Just living one day at a time and having faith in God gives me a foundation of how to move forward through all of this.

[shawnt]

All these decisions are hard.

Most of the costs I was referring to are not $. Sometimes the cost of letting something go is to high. For me it is a myriad of things, my wedding band, her wedding ring(which I keep in my pocket wherever I go) some flip flops some rocks and shells. If that car is one of those things then keep it. If you are going to have to eat cat food than count both costs and decide what you can live with.

Memories are not free. To remember something horrible costs us. To keep a good memory alive costs. 

Good luck with the Volt , they are a good car.

Rumour has it that GM gave them up because of production issues in Mexico that would not allow them to qualify for some tax rebates. Only a rumour, 

[Boggled]

Re. fundamental front end overload.   Turns out it's a radio phrase:

"Fundamental  Receiver  Overload – this  is  normally caused by a strong, nearby, transmitter simply overloading  the  receiver  front-end  or  other  circuitry,  causing  interference  or  even  suppression  of  the  normal  received signal. A common example is VHF paging transmitters interfering with receivers."

Identifying and Locating Radio Frequency Interference (RFI) | Interference Technology

hunh.  So.  Put that into "what's going on in our heads."  hunh.   (hahahahahahaha! sigh!)  anybody on here a ham radio operator?  My Steve was.

There are people who figure this kind of thing out.  It's like the "sensor" part of the Meyers-Briggs matrix.  I'm "intuitive," not a "sensor," but as the site above shows, SOME people would look at that comparison (between radios and "what's going on in our heads") and go ... "a strong nearby transmitter simply overloading the receiver front-end or other circuitry causing interference or even suppression of the normal received signal" ... like me, an intuitive that jumps from one idea to another, thinking, this MAJOR PROBLEM I'm having where my mind is BOGGLED and STRONGLY trying to figure out all this pain and sorrow to get out of it!  (but I don't want to completely get out of it, because it's about love, and I don't want to forget the powerful, glorious, wonderful love!) and I'd think "the receiver front-end is my normal mind, and from that normal mind comes my moxie, mojo, groove, and the front-end receiver is receiving strong interference! from this "trying to figure out all this pain and sorrow."  

But it would take a "sensor" to get it figured out bit by bit and come up with some protective way to allow the "receiver front-end" to get going again.  

but I as an intuitive just think ... it's the PAIN I don't like!  Just get the PAIN to stop.  The rest of it, the memories, even the sorrow, are tolerable, but the PAIN is fundamental to the whole "experience," and the best way I've found is when pain strikes ... go smoke a bit of a cigarette on the back or front deck ... calm down ... stop for a while ... go read and get immersed in a novel (this is my thing for "distraction.")

[Boggled]

21 hours ago, LMR said:

I don't understand it at all. I have said here many times that death is an alien concept to me, as if I had never heard of it until it took my love.

LMR, that is very fundamental.  Maybe "death" is not real.  Maybe it's just all the things we imagine when the person is not in the body anymore.  Maybe you just need to come up with some kind of faith or belief in what you imagine "death" to be.  Not that that is easy at all.  My own strong feeling is that I will meet Steve again.  There is an afterlife, and this "radio frequency tuning" I developed with him will connect us when I too "die."  And in the meantime it still connects me to him ... maybe in my head, maybe in "reality."  

[Boggled]

another thought re. fundamental front end overload," 

maybe the strong nearby transmitter is ME, that tuning to Steve, transmitting OUT from me to HIM.

Or, maybe the strong nearby transmitter is HIM, tuned to me, transmitting IN to ME.  

Or maybe both.

[Boggled]

so maybe it's never going to go away, and whatever my "groove" or moxie or mojo, is, will not come back as it was BEFORE, because that transmission OUT from ME, will go on until I die?  And I have to create a whole new receiver, (so I can get back my "groove" or moxie or mojo,) that somehow can get through the strong transmission coming out and/or possibly inward, or both.   (??)  can I do that?  how?  or do we only get one receiver ... hahahahahahahaha!  I'm laughing to or at myself for some reason.

[Roxeanne]

47 minutes ago, Boggled said:

Maybe "death" is not real

There is a lot of theories about life and death...everyone has its own! But "death" for me is dramatically real...he didn't come home one night and i couldn't see him anymore!

That's death, a separation...a very painful conclusion of our life together!

We know it exist but it's like a shadow wich you don't notice, until the sky darkened...

It is this forgetfullness that make it so unreal, so surreal so impossible when it happened to our loved ones...

 

[DWS]

2 minutes ago, Boggled said:

and whatever my "groove" or moxie or mojo, is, will not come back as it was BEFORE, because that transmission OUT from ME, will go on until I die? 

I think it's still likely there...maybe weakened at the moment because your strongest supporter and fan of your moxie is no longer physically around. I certainly see that with me. My quirkiness and personal "brand" was never so strong as when I was with Tom. He didn't bring that out in me but he gave me the comfort and security of being totally myself...and I loved him for that. Even now, I can feel my "groove" at home here glancing at his smiling photo as if he urges me not to change. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, shawnt said:

Sometimes the cost of letting something go is to high.

For sure!  Whether their car, or clothes, or whatever!  In my case, it's our loveseat recliner, one side no longer reclines, the other side doesn't totally sit upright anymore, but I sleep there and Kodie next to me, it's the place we always held hands and cuddled, my comfort zone.

[Boggled]

On 8/28/2023 at 8:27 AM, shawnt said:

Part of our journey is letting things go that don't fit anymore or cost to much to carry .

Well the dealership called back twice.  First time, they told me they were still not able to start the car so they checked all the batteries and found that ONE "cell" was dead, and they could only replace a set of "cells" at a time, and it would cost $5200 to replace one-third of the Volt batteries.  I told them to go ahead.

The second time they called they told me that the 2012 Volt's 1.4 batteries had been "discontinued," and they would have to replace ALL the batteries with 1.7 batteries, if I want to replace, and it would cost about $17,100.  !!!!   

But I searched ... 2012 Volt batteries ... and AutoZone has what they're calling 2012 Volt batteries ... 1.4L ... for about $249.  Each.  I know so little about dealing with dealerships.  Can I purchase one AutoZone battery and get them to replace just the one?  or does a dealership only allow you to use the batteries available through their car maker?  

I'm ignorant.   But to me, $17,100 is REALLY BAD.  I can afford it, but it just doesn't seem "right."  At all.  

[Boggled]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

In my case, it's our loveseat recliner, one side no longer reclines, the other side doesn't totally sit upright anymore, but I sleep there and Kodie next to me, it's the place we always held hands and cuddled, my comfort zone.

Well, that made me cry, KayC.  It's about love, it's about LOVE.  

I used to think, "love hurts."  That was in my first marriage that didn't work out.  

But after marrying Steve, IT DIDN'T HURT, it was just as you said, DWS, 

21 hours ago, DWS said:

My quirkiness and personal "brand" was never so strong as when I was with Tom. He didn't bring that out in me but he gave me the comfort and security of being totally myself...and I loved him for that.

But in the long run now, my love for Steve has caused the strongest, hardest, wildest, most powerful and continuing grief and sorrow that I have ever known.  

21 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

It is this forgetfullness that make it so unreal, so surreal so impossible when it happened to our loved ones...

The longing, the reaching out for him, the tuned-in-ness to "his frequency," reaching-into-the-voidness, still talking to him, just seems to be what I've been doing for nearly 15 months now.  I did a paper on the art style called "Surrealism" back when I was about 12, so that word "surreal" doesn't quite fit for me.  It's more like we are reaching into many areas, of "faith," psychology, introspection, identity, honor!, morality ... meaning.  I was with my husband when he DEPARTED this world ... it felt to me that it wasn't "death" so much as DEPARTURE.  I had thought he would never leave me.  I had KNOWN that.  He couldn't help it;  he was unconscious, drugged, his eye just clouded over ... and "he" left.  My mind went wild, but I just sat there totally silent, and if I recall correctly at this point, the heart in me, the tuned-in-ness to him in me, just went very very quiet and solemn.

[DWS]

49 minutes ago, Boggled said:

But I searched ... 2012 Volt batteries ... and AutoZone has what they're calling 2012 Volt batteries ... 1.4L ... for about $249.  Each.  I know so little about dealing with dealerships.  Can I purchase one AutoZone battery and get them to replace just the one?  or does a dealership only allow you to use the batteries available through their car maker?  

I'm ignorant.   But to me, $17,100 is REALLY BAD.  I can afford it, but it just doesn't seem "right."  At all.  

It's been my experience that car dealerships are really limited to what they'll do repair-wise. I imagine their first reaction is to say "no way" but I wonder, because this is a rare case, whether they'd be willing to work with you on this. Otherwise, perhaps there is another repair shop in your area that specializes in Volt repair and if there is,  they'd likely be more than happy to grab a $1000s+ order. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

But to me, $17,100 is REALLY BAD.  I can afford it, but it just doesn't seem "right."  At all.  

It isn't and typical of car dealerships.  I'd find someone who can independently work on your car (like my son only in your area) and order the cheaper one.  What have you got to lose?

[KayC]

51 minutes ago, Boggled said:

Well, that made me cry, KayC.  It's about love, it's about LOVE. 

Yes, absolutely.  And I still can't sleep in our bed, it is a reminder of him not being there to hold me.  Why the loveseat and not the bed?  No idea, that's how grief is.  And it can strikes us all differently.

[RichS]

12 minutes ago, KayC said:

Why the loveseat and not the bed?  No idea, that's how grief is.  And it can strikes us all differently.

The day I totally figure out how my mind thinks it'll be like cashing in a lottery ticket. For me personally, mental pain is usually worse than physical pain; but don't ask me that these days. Sciatica has been more than nagging me over the last two months. I've done the chiropractor and medication route. Next stop, a back or spine specialist. Any second opinions would be appreciated.

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  

[Boggled]

22 hours ago, RichS said:

Sciatica has been more than nagging me over the last two months.

RichS, I've had a couple times when that happened a few months ago.  I'm going to throw in my 2 cents worth, I THINK it MAY BE related to your gut.  Iirc, I was eating cheese and eggs and not getting enough fiber, I changed whatever I was eating ... (btw, KayC, I've decided to "go vegetarian" during the hot months, and do keto during the cold months, hahaha, not only does it give me a chance to eat things I'd otherwise forego on keto, like organic corn chips and refried beans, which is really a dietary YAY! to start with, but during the hot months, I THINK not eating meat helps your body deal with the heat).  (I know I'll gain weight eating carbs, but there are plenty of cold months when, on keto, I'll lose it all again!)  anyway, RichS, my two-cents worth would be, start eating LETTUCE, big salads, and wet bulky vegetables like cucumbers, clear out your gut, for a few weeks ... it might help.  oh yeah, and chia puddings, for me, seemed to be part of the PROBLEM iirc.  I totally quit chia which seemed to help.  

[KayC]

I'm on Keto for life as it's reversed my diabetes, kidneys, cirrhosis of the liver, Fuch's dystrophy of the corneas (night blindness, etc), healed ulcers, given me great triglycerides and HDL (healed insulin resistance), energy, healed the food allergies I had for 38 years (yay, I got fish back!)...my doctor said that is rare to have happen but it did! It got rid of my Asthma/COPD too! It also normalized my WBC and Calcium which had been too high for many years.  It also reversed my neuropathy.  Not to mention it protects against cancer and dementia (which runs in my family).  I look and feel better than I have in many years.  Why would I want to change any part of that!  I don't and won't.

[goldberry]

On 8/30/2023 at 10:06 AM, RichS said:

The day I totally figure out how my mind thinks it'll be like cashing in a lottery ticket. For me personally, mental pain is usually worse than physical pain; but don't ask me that these days. Sciatica has been more than nagging me over the last two months. I've done the chiropractor and medication route. Next stop, a back or spine specialist. Any second opinions would be appreciated.

Hi Rich, Have you considered a skilled massage therapist?  In addition to food changes that may help with inflammation and such, a massage can release the entrapped sciatic nerve IF it is a muscle impingement (but NOT if you have overgrowth of bone so maybe an MRI could help determine that)  Sorry for your pain.  I'm a massage therapist who has had sciatica and its no fun.  Also, consider that our body's  really "talk" to us.  My experience with sciatica is that my body was saying "This emotional issue that you have is really a pain in the ass....Which grief is among the many other things.

 

Boggled I have really appreciated this thread and your thoughts/feelings.  I am sixteen months without my husband and experiencing much of life in ways that you describe.  I never believed that my husband would be "gone" despite his dying in front of my eyes.  And it has been so hard to communicate the feelings that he is both gone in this physical realm in a way that feels definite and final.  I have his things.  They don't really smell like him anymore and that makes me so, so sad.  Yesterday our beloved cat that we rescued when she was a few ounces disappeared, and I thought it would kill me if she was gone because of our shared love of her.  Of course she came back all nonchalant later, and couldn't understand the rain of kisses and tears that she received.  So I feel his goneness here while simultaneously feeling his merging with nature and the vibrations of electromagnetic energy everywhere.  I Feel it but my mind wants to understand it.  And I don't, despite our always having deep spiritual and philsophical conversations about such things.   I believe we'll recognize our meeting when I die.  Not so sure how the mechanics of that work obviously.  But I echo so many of your questions and I really appreciate your sharing!!  In your language, I feel like Les' "receiver" is sending loud and clear.  My broken heart, boundaried brain and limited understanding are blocking his signal, at least for now.

[RichS]

31 minutes ago, goldberry said:

Have you considered a skilled massage therapist?  In addition to food changes that may help with inflammation and such, a massage can release the entrapped sciatic nerve IF it is a muscle impingement (but NOT if you have overgrowth of bone so maybe an MRI could help determine that)  Sorry for your pain.  I'm a massage therapist who has had sciatica and its no fun.  Also, consider that our body's  really "talk" to us.  My experience with sciatica is that my body was saying "This emotional issue that you have is really a pain in the ass....Which grief is among the many other things.

An update on my sciatica:  My insurance company wants me to start physical therapy; which I'm doing next week. They want me to do this for around six weeks (along with anti-inflammatory medication). If that fails, then they will let me get an MRI. Yes, it's no fun and yes, my body is talking to me from my a** down to my ankle. Thankfully. it's only my left leg.

[goldberry]

Ah I hope PT helps and doesn't make it worse.  Ask them about passive stretching if you can

 

[KayC]

I can't believe they're offering you PT w/o even checking it out first!  That's insane if you ask me, what if you do something that worsens it!  I hate ins. companies, how big business they've become and anything that costs them $ is out first.   Praying for you and hoping this helps you.

[Boggled]

On 9/1/2023 at 3:15 PM, goldberry said:

So I feel his goneness here while simultaneously feeling his merging with nature and the vibrations of electromagnetic energy everywhere.  I Feel it but my mind wants to understand it.  And I don't, despite our always having deep spiritual and philsophical conversations about such things.   I believe we'll recognize our meeting when I die.  Not so sure how the mechanics of that work obviously.  But I echo so many of your questions and I really appreciate your sharing!!  In your language, I feel like Les' "receiver" is sending loud and clear.  My broken heart, boundaried brain and limited understanding are blocking his signal, at least for now.

goldberry, you're feeling his merging?  I've noticed I don't "feel him" so much and have been wondering if he's only occasionally "visiting here," now??  One thing I've started doing, when I think of it, is to go out under the open sky on the deck or anywhere, lift my arms UP in a "V," bend slightly backwards, raise my head to the sky and close my eyes, and just FEEL.  It feels like my body is an antenna reaching out into the great unknown, but it seems to make me feel better.  As I slowly lower my arms it's like I'm embracing the "all" of it.  I'm out in the country, very rural, nobody can see me.  So no worries about neighbors thinking I'm nuts, hahahaha.  But really, TRY IT, people. 

[Boggled]

and another question:  so, is there a "me?"   I guess the more complete question would be, is there a separate individual me?

SHOULD there be a "me?"    yes/no.   ?????  I'm thinking, IF I want to keep on getting past this, IF I have years left to live, IF I want my "groove" back, then yes.

For so long, I've been half of "us."  

I talk to my MIL every night.  Last night, she was talking about skin care and hair and appearance.  How she puts her earrings on every morning, whether she's going somewhere or seeing anybody or not.  She said "it's just what I do.  I'm a creature of habit."   And she mentioned she's stopped curling her hair with her curling iron because it's been burning her cheek when she tries to curl the sides.  This morning, as I think about that, I remember how lately when I go into a crying jag, I go to the mirror and look into my (begging for relief?  sorrowing!) pupils of my eyes.  I think I'm trying to see me.    

I'm alone now.  I have to be "just me" though I still have umpteen memories and the tuned-in-to-my-husband-ness just keeps on keeping on.  The memories hopefully will not fade (but memories do!)  ... I WANT to keep each and every memory.  As I think about buying a new car ... sitting out on the back porch, I realized that the infrequent drives in the car were some of the closest experiences with my husband.  We were entirely tuned in to one another as I drove and he kibbitzed ... too fast ... too slow ... watch out for the holes on the side of the road!  ... he watched one way, I watched the other, "look that way, I'm looking this way!"  ... clear, clear, severe clear! ... you can go now.   ... really the memories are charming to me now.   

But trying to figure out "what car is ME?" is making me wonder, who am I?  Me, separately.  ?  Last night I mentioned to MIL I'd been looking at a "community" page for a super-small car and all it was was a bunch of  complaints!  ... and she told me "I don't think you want that kind of a car," and a little bit of resistance popped up in my head ... I'm keeping the option open.  Who is keeping the option open?  ME.  Me.  I.  am.