I still miss him

[Goforth860]

It's been a while since I've posted. I haven't stopped thinking of John.  I will never. I got ke a dog. Her name is Amy Justice White.  She's a blue pit. She's a God send. She's helped me through many days and nights. I bought a necklace and pendant it's got his fingerprint on the front and an inscription on the back with his name and dates and my ride or die. I'll always love you beyond infinity.  Hi sent his daughter his necklace and the rest of the stuff I found as I was going  through my house. I forgot the stuff in the safe but I'll mail it to her before too long. If I can remember the address. I may just take it over there and leave it in the mail box.  Idk. It's been a year and ½ but feels likebi found him this morning. I don't cry as much or as hard. I feel greatful to have had him. I'm doing my best to better myself and my life. I quit smoking over a year ago. I'm doing g everything in my power to make him proud of me. I am doing my best....

[KayC]

It's good to hear from you, it's been a bit.  I'm so glad you got a dog!  Mine too is a godsend.

And you never will forget...

[shawnt]

Great name for your dog.

[DWS]

On 8/19/2023 at 2:51 PM, Goforth860 said:

Idk. It's been a year and ½ but feels like i found him this morning. I don't cry as much or as hard. 

It's nice to read your post and hear how you're doing. Both of our losses sadly happened around the same time. Today marks the year and a half point since my partner Tom's passing. It was a Wednesday just like today. We didn't live together so I wasn't there when he was unexpectedly taken during his night's sleep...but interestingly, I awakened shortly after 4am last night which was very unusual because I sleep right through the nights. I was awakened by a noise. I wasn't sure what it was I heard. I didn't think anything of it at that moment but now, this morning, it intrigues me. 

[Nancy2]

I am at the 6 month mark, and in some ways I feel worse than at the beginning.  Sometimes I cry 10 times a day, but only for a few minutes at a time.  I still can't believe it.  Not at all.  My daughter is getting married soon and I should be excited, but really I am sad that her father and my husband won't be at the wedding.  I have to believe that his spirit will be there.  Some people live on and on and they look horrible, have all kinds of things wrong with them, but my husband, who looked handsome and healthy and exercised a lot got one weird thing and died just like that.  Nothing makes any sense, so why even try to make sense of anything?  I don't really know what I am going to do with myself now.  Everybody says to wait a year and then decide, so that's what I am doing.  It all makes me sick to my stomach.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry. I think it's not uncommon for there to be a "dip" around that 4-6 mo mark give or take because the dust has settled, all the activity early on (funeral arrangements, funeral, paperwork, people calling or visiting etc) has settled down and the shock starts to wear off and the reality starts to sink in. But that dip won't likely  last. It can't. Your body and mind can only endure it for so long. So you learn, gradually, to live with it, and gradually, it becomes more manageable. I know it seems impossible, but you can do this. 

[KayC]

They say that is the hardest time so I am not surprised. 

[KayC]

Six Month Mark
Six Month Mark

Separate links...

[Nancy2]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

I'm so sorry. I think it's not uncommon for there to be a "dip" around that 4-6 mo mark give or take because the dust has settled, all the activity early on (funeral arrangements, funeral, paperwork, people calling or visiting etc) has settled down and the shock starts to wear off and the reality starts to sink in. But that dip won't likely  last. It can't. Your body and mind can only endure it for so long. So you learn, gradually, to live with it, and gradually, it becomes more manageable. I know it seems impossible, but you can do this. 

Yes thank you.  I don't know.  I'm still in a kind of daze.

[widower2]

Of course. How could you not be? 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Well, that’s quite the heads-up about the 4-6 month “dip”.  Veronica passed in late June so I am now into the 4th month.  And her absence still seems so surreal.  The fact that she can’t, won’t be coming home still doesn’t quite make sense in in my heart.  My head knows what is going on but my heart still struggles.  Quiet times cause my emotions to well up along with the tears.  Feeling lost and untethered in life without her right now.  And six months will be right around Christmas.  Not sure how much I will decorate the house but I will do something in memory of Veronica.  We’ll see.  😪  

[widower2]

Understandable. The holidays can of course be esp rough, and extra esp around that first time. 

[Sheilz]

On 10/9/2023 at 3:06 PM, Nancy2 said:

I am at the 6 month mark, and in some ways I feel worse than at the beginning.  Sometimes I cry 10 times a day, but only for a few minutes at a time.  I still can't believe it.  Not at all. 

I'm at the 5 month mark and feel the same way.  The crying pattern has changed a bit.  But I cry, as you do, 10 times a day but for only a few minutes at a time.  I use to "ugly" cry all day long.  But it is still so unbelievable.  I still just want him to come home.

[KayC]

I did too, eventually my tears dried up (I had to use artificial tears) and I cried on the inside.  It seemed like a huge hoax.

[LMR]

On 10/14/2023 at 3:08 PM, KayC said:

 It seemed like a huge hoax.

Exactly how I feel even after three years. I keep thinking I should go back to make sure he's not there.

@Nancy2Nothing makes sense to me either. Best wishes for your daughter's wedding. Bitter sweet emotions for you and it must be hard for your daughter too, but you will get through it. 

[Goforth860]

I don't know how to quote so I'm just going to go through and respond to your post on mine....

@shawnt thank you. I named her what I was going to name my daughter but I miscarried her and my next pregnancy. So I wasn't blessed with any children.  When I got her I said I was going to use the name I was going to call my daughter.  Honestly not having human children my animals are my children. And I blessed her with a name that was very dear to me. Amy Justice White 

 

@DWS the first 6 mths I would wake up every morning at 4 am. It was like clockwork.  It didn't matter if I hadn't gotten to sleep til 2. 4 am it was. I had the last 4 books of a series I was reading when John died. I was ½ way through the 4th to last.  It took me a cpl mths to be able to sit and read a page without spacing out. One night I said I'm going to finish this book. Throughout that night I saw John get up and go to the bathroom 3 times. I heard him talk to me. I knew exactly what he would've been saying to me. You still awake as he rubbed his chest down to his belly while walking into the bathroom.  I got further through it and I saw him again.  You still up he would've said.  Then it was starting to get light outside and I saw him and he would've said must be a good book. By the time the morning was starting I was finished with the book. I was so happy but I missed him.  I knew what he would've been saying to me and it made me smile bc we were that close to one another.  I moved Apts after he passed but the night I started reading the 3rd to last book in the new apt I saw him poke his head in a few times but he didn't say anything to me. He was just checking on me. So I understand "the noise" that "intrigues" you. 

 

@Nancy2 best wishes for your daughter's wedding.  If its already happened I'd love to hear how you weathered it. It will be bittersweet.  I wrote a topic on bittersweet things. I cant remember exactly what I wrote.  I havent gone back and looked at it. The things that are supposed to be happy fun exciting are also heartbreaking 💔 at the same time. You know you should be elaghted about it. You should be and in a way you are but in that same moment you are torn between the fact that it is a joiess occasion but the one who is the other part of you isn't there. Yes I saId IS the other part of you bc they will always be a major part of you and that part is missing from your being and will never be there with you in physical aspect again. I do believe that  they are with us in spirit. So go forward knowing that it's alright to be happy and sad at the same time. Things will never be the same and the good and happy will always have that twinge of bittersweet 

 

@widower2 I did the "dip" around mth 7. That was Sept. And Sept 14 of 97' my father was shot and murdered by his father. This happened within 6 mths of my 2 miscarriages. Well in 20' my 17 year old dog Snoop who like I said was my baby got sick on a Sat. I kept her as comfortable as possible til Mon and took her to the vet. They informed me her kidneys were failing.  Right before they gave her the shot to lay her to rest I looked at my watch and it was Sept 14th. So that day is now a dbl whammy for me. So Sept has been the start of the part of the year that is very difficult for me.  You know about Sept 14th. Well I married my 2nd husband Robert on Nov 12th 08' and he passed away Nov 17th 08' with complications from ALS. And then there's Thanksgiving. Then Dec 7th is my mom's bday. She passed from stage 4 lung cancer Dec 16th of 18'. And then there's Christmas.  Jan 8th was my daughter's due date Jan 26th is Robert's bday. Feb 12th is my father's bday. Now John has passed on Feb 28th 22'. March through Aug is a much better time of the year for me. Ppl tell me oh you can't live/dwell on the past. I don't do loss very well and these ppl were me and my life. It's big chunks of myself that are gone and I will never be able to get back or refill. That part of me died with them. So I don't believe I'm living in the past or dwelling on it. If me being sad or upset because they're not here with me anymore honors their memory then I am going to honor them like that

@Rey Dominguez Jr my heart and head at times still can't grasp it that he's gone as the truth or reality. I know he is but there are those times my brain has a hiccup and I for a split sec forget and think to myself I'm going to call him. He was the first person I called for any and everything and me for him. But in those split secs... then I have that reality slap me once again that he is gone and will never be back. I still do it with my mom too. And when that reality hits you again it's like it just happened all over again. In that split sec that you remembered you are overwhelmed with the grief of their loss once again and it's as fresh as the day it actually happened.

 

@Sheilz I don't cry as often either but I did used to ugly cry all day everyday.  I still do ugly cry from time to time but mostly now my tears are cried within the emptiness of my chest 

 

@Sim7079 I will always love those who I have lost along the way more and more each day they're gone. Especially as I long for them to be here with me while the time goes by. But music is my passion.  It has always been here for me. When I lost Robert I was trying to implode. I had my mp3 player and would just put in my headphones in and ignore the whole world. John wouldn't let me. He would walk past me and take an earphone out of one of my ears and start talking to me. He saved me. He used to make fun of me. I listen to any and everything except heavy rap and long drawn out country songs. You know there's genres.  The 50s 60s and so on. Well I have almost 3k songs on my I ❤️  playlist.  He would always tell me that I don't have a genre I am a genre. He said that no one could probably listen to my playlist. No one but me. Lol

 

@LMR I still dream of him. It seems so real. When I was still in the other apt I would look in his room expecting to see him in his game chair. But he was never there. In the morning I  was lost bc when he was alive I would make us coffee and take him a cup and a glass of oj. We'd talk for at least an hour before he had to get up and go to work. But during the day it felt like he was at work. So it was kinda normal feeling.  Then it would get to be time for him to get home. I would be lost again.

Feeling lost is what I felt and I feel. 

 

Still....

 

[Nancy2]

On 8/19/2023 at 1:51 PM, Goforth860 said:

It's been a while since I've posted. I haven't stopped thinking of John.  I will never. I got ke a dog. Her name is Amy Justice White.  She's a blue pit. She's a God send. She's helped me through many days and nights. I bought a necklace and pendant it's got his fingerprint on the front and an inscription on the back with his name and dates and my ride or die. I'll always love you beyond infinity.  Hi sent his daughter his necklace and the rest of the stuff I found as I was going  through my house. I forgot the stuff in the safe but I'll mail it to her before too long. If I can remember the address. I may just take it over there and leave it in the mail box.  Idk. It's been a year and ½ but feels likebi found him this morning. I don't cry as much or as hard. I feel greatful to have had him. I'm doing my best to better myself and my life. I quit smoking over a year ago. I'm doing g everything in my power to make him proud of me. I am doing my best....

Thank you for responding to so many of us individually.  I really appreciate that.  I am glad that you are enjoying your dog.  They are so much like the loving side of humans.

[KayC]

All you do is select a passage and click quote when it pops up, or if you want the entire passage, click quote that is present when we start a response to a thread.

[Goforth860]

On 8/19/2023 at 3:41 PM, KayC said:

It's good to hear from you, it's been a bit.  I'm so glad you got a dog!  Mine too is a godsend.

And you never will forget...

 

@KayC I am so sorry. You were the first to respond and I skipped right over you.

Thank you for telling me how to quote. 

I know I haven't stayed on here very much. I have therapy every week. I see my psychiatrist every mth or two. I've had to have my meds tweaked but I'm still going.  I still haven't smoked.  It's going on 17 mths.  I will never smoke again. I promised John I was going to better myself and I'm keeping that promise. The end of last year I was going through my dates and I was about to go through my mom's bday and death day and I had it in my heart that I was ready for another dog. Snoop had been gone 2 years. John going on a year and I was starving for the companionship. So I told my sister that I was ready for a dog. She tells me that my nephews friend has some Blu pits. I said let me see them and she sent me a video of all of them one by one. I saw Justice and fell head over heels for her. It took me a cpl weeks to be able to get her but I was in love instantly  when I saw her video and couldn't wait to have her. She was almost 3 mths old when I got her.  I was kinda upset bc she was malnourished. She didn't even weight 13 lbs at 3 mths. But I got her some pet insurance and got her shots. When she was old enough I had her fixed and chipped.  She is my savor. When I got her I was extremely overweight. Bc I hadn't been getting outta the house I was lonely and depressed.  She wouldn't have it. She got me going and has kept me going. Ever since. Sept has a good day in it for me now.  Sept 11th is her bday. So she just turned a year old. She's a mess. But she's my mess. I dont know what I would be doing right now if I hadn't gotten her. I gave her the name I was going to give my daughter bc I am now fixed too. Lol. There is no possibility that I can ever have a child of my own. I have loved the name Amy Justice White since I was 19. So I decided to give her that special name. And here we are.  

[shawnt]

Thank you.

[KayC]

20 minutes ago, Goforth860 said:

She is my savor.

Kodie is registered as my service dog so when I'm on the platform leading singing at church, he's right alongside me.  This morning the pastor told me how Kodie was made perfectly for me...and he is.  He said, "I mean, he is a GODSEND!"  Yes, he is.  I know that.  Conceived when my last dog, Arlie ,died, born on my birthday, and when my son sent me pictures and a video, the name Kodie popped into my brain.  When my son got to my house with him and tossed down his collar and tag on the table...guess what was on the tag!  You guessed it, Kodie.

I wish you all the best with your new dog, may you have years together!