Finality realization

[WithoutHer]

I'm just past six months and dealing with the emptiness and loneliness. But lately I think I'm feeling the actual realization of the loss of Vickie. I don't know if this is normal with grieving or it's just me. I just know I feel this realization has suddenly amplified how much I miss her and that she really never will be here again. All her things around here will never be touched or used by her again. The emotions have brought back the tears that the meds have helped me stop. These feelings are stronger than the meds and I sit here crying tonight with our beloved pets at my side. 

[widower2]

There's little in the way of "normal" in all of this, it varies for everyone...but I think what you're going through is pretty common and generally around the point you're at in the process. It's after the dust has settled, so to speak, the shock is wearing off, and that part of you that thinks this is so ridiculous that it can't be true...that part can't hold on forever. It's like trying to hold your breath forever. Eventually you exhale and the denial can't stand up to the harsh light of day and how things really are now. But typically following that "dip" is gradually learning to live with it and deal with it, hard as it is. Kind of like having a big rock strapped to your back, but over time as you carry it you develop the muscles to do so, therefore the harsh sting is gradually replaced with more of a dull ache. The ache is hardly ideal, but IMO beats the hell out of that searing anguish. 

[WithoutHer]

@widower2 Thank you for putting some light on this. I figured this might be a usual feeling after I posted but it just it hit me hard out of the blue after all this time. I've been doing the day to day thing as best I can but I think being alone is catching up with me. We can tell ourselves why and understand the reality but our inner emotions have their own way no matter how we try to reason things. I've lost my parents and other family and know loss but nothing hit me as hard as losing Vickie. No matter what I tell myself to try to deal with it I ache so deeply it does little good. 

[widower2]

I know. I've lost others too but none that hit me like this. My best friend's wife told me something when I was feeling guilty about not hurting nearly as much for others who I loved and she said "it could be because how much you hurt is largely influenced by how much they were a part of your daily life."  (Because the impact is that much more) We're only human. 

As for dealing with it, I think there are things we can try and some can help, but in general I don't think it's something you can force; it takes time.

 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

4 hours ago, widower2 said:

"it could be because how much you hurt is largely influenced by how much they were a part of your daily life." 

That makes so much sense.  Both my parents passed away, 97 for my dad, and 2020 for my mom.  They were both in TX but my wife and I settled in Sandy Eggo in 1977 after the Navy moved us here.  I guess I was kind of detached from both my parents’ illness and decline because I was here and they were there, and my sisters were doing the caretaker job for my parents, while I had my life in CA with Veronica and our two sons.  This is hard, I miss her so much.  The pain of losing my parents does not compare to the ache of my wife missing from my world.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I'm just past six months and dealing with the emptiness and loneliness. But lately I think I'm feeling the actual realization of the loss of Vickie.

Six months is one of the hardest times...people have gone home, quit calling, the "things to do" have calmed down a bit, you are left with what's left of your life and reality has set in.  You are definitely in our thoughts.
Six Month Mark
another link: Six Month Mark

[DWS]

12 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I just know I feel this realization has suddenly amplified how much I miss her and that she really never will be here again. All her things around here will never be touched or used by her again.

My heart goes out to you right now. That point of realization is an awful place to reach...one where only us grievers know. On one hand, it does show us that the practice of doing this one day at a time does its job of helping us cope through those initial months...not focusing too much attention on tomorrow. But there will be times where we can't keep that up and maybe that's when "reality" is introduced into our lives. Right now, my reality is that my partner Tom isn't here physically anymore but emotionally and spiritually, I feel he still is. His presence is a constant in my life still. Some may view this that I'm off my gourd but talking to him and maintaining that devotion to him and to the two of us is still helping me cope with a terrible something that I've never experienced before. And there will likely be another time of realization. I think I've likely gone through 3 or 4 of them by now. 😕

[Roxeanne]

I remember when i was  four month in, in tears went to a psy and she said to me: for you happened yesterday!

She made me understand than 4 or 6 months are nothing at all...the grief is very strong and hard in the early months, plus the cruel reality of the loss find its way in the middle of the beneficial haze....

 

 

[I miss you so much]

14 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I'm just past six months and dealing with the emptiness and loneliness. But lately I think I'm feeling the actual realization of the loss of Vickie. I don't know if this is normal with grieving or it's just me. I just know I feel this realization has suddenly amplified how much I miss her and that she really never will be here again. All her things around here will never be touched or used by her again. The emotions have brought back the tears that the meds have helped me stop. These feelings are stronger than the meds and I sit here crying tonight with our beloved pets at my side. 

Hello, WithoutHer.

It's not just you. It also happens to me and for everyone here, I guess. At first, I think, we're in a sort of shock. But later, at some point, and as you state, there is a " final realization".

I'm also in that realization, like you, one year afterwards. I also feel this unbearable pain, the despair.

 

 

 

[Nancy2]

It has been over 4 months for me, and I still can't quite get to the realization that he is gone.  I had a dream the other night that his car wasn't in the garage, so he would be home soon.  I had another dream that this time he went to the ICU before it was too late.  I feel like I am going back to the denial stage.  It is good that you are getting to that realization, but it feels awful I am sure.  I don't know which stage I wish I was in.  I just wish he would come back, but I know that's not going to happen.  Not in this lifetime on this planet.  My meds help, but I still cry too.  Every day.  But I am better when I am out and about and not in our house.

[Nancy2]

On 8/18/2023 at 6:58 AM, DWS said:

My heart goes out to you right now. That point of realization is an awful place to reach...one where only us grievers know. On one hand, it does show us that the practice of doing this one day at a time does its job of helping us cope through those initial months...not focusing too much attention on tomorrow. But there will be times where we can't keep that up and maybe that's when "reality" is introduced into our lives. Right now, my reality is that my partner Tom isn't here physically anymore but emotionally and spiritually, I feel he still is. His presence is a constant in my life still. Some may view this that I'm off my gourd but talking to him and maintaining that devotion to him and to the two of us is still helping me cope with a terrible something that I've never experienced before. And there will likely be another time of realization. I think I've likely gone through 3 or 4 of them by now. 😕

I talk to my husband sometimes, and the other day I felt his presence spiritually and emotionally.  That felt good to feel him with me in that way, and my sister said that is the acceptance stage.  But it was short-lived.  I am back to feeling denial and deep sadness, but it has only been a little over 4 months for me, so I am hoping to feel his spiritual presence again.  

[widower2]

With all due respect, I think your sister is wrong and do yourself a favor and forget the whole "5 stages" bit. You're not in any one stage, you're simply in mourning, and it's a complex and often chaotic process with many feelings dancing around. You're going to have many ups and downs over time, and it's not likely to be an even pattern, but most likely overall you will trend in the right direction...the searing anguish becomes less sharp, the tears less frequent, the longing more bearable. I get that it may seem impossible now, but it's not.  

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

the searing anguish becomes less sharp, the tears less frequent, the longing more bearable.

I seem to be in that spot most days now coming up on two months since my wife passed.  And then something comes up that sparks the anguish all over again.  Was looking for Veronica’s birth certificate so as to go to the Social Security office and see about widower’s benefits.  Found the original document.  Then a really sucky moment when I realized I had the two documents that record my wife’s birth and then her passing.  The two bookends of her life in my hands.  😪 Was one of those searing moments, I have to say!

[KayC]

Yes, the stages  was intended for dying, not for mourning loss of spouse. 
The 5 Stages of Grief debunked
The Five Stages of Grief debunked
It’s Time to Let the Five Stages of Grief Die | Office for Science and Society - McGill University
There Are No "Stages" of Grief : The Original Afterlife Awareness Conference
Stages of Grief and Other Lies That Don't Help Anyone | HuffPost Life

[Nancy2]

I watched a couple of those links you sent.  I am also going to watch some other links about loss and restoration and just about grief and losing a spouse.  Instead of trying to keep busy all of the time and try to forget like a lot of people do, maybe it is a good idea to really feel the grief and learn how others cope with it and what the professionals say about it.  Sometimes I may not agree with what I watch or read, and it might make me angry, but it might help me too.  I don't know.  It really sucks that we as humans have to go through this, and it really sucks that life is so unfair, but that is the way it is and maybe there is a reason for it.  Anyway, we are not alone in this.  Everybody dies.

[DWS]

18 minutes ago, Nancy2 said:

Instead of trying to keep busy all of the time and try to forget like a lot of people do, maybe it is a good idea to really feel the grief and learn how others cope with it and what the professionals say about it.

Once the shock and devastation start to lessen, it really comes down to a battle of the ego vs the heart. Throughout our lives, we saw and learned how death is mostly dealt with in society. We learned that there would be tears and sorrow and then, miraculously and magically, we get over it and carry on with our lives. I certainly saw that type of thing over and over in movies and TV. An actor shakes and faints in one scene at the death of their loved one and then in the next, they're coping and back to normal. I saw it with my aunts and uncles and co-workers and acquaintances...all seemingly getting on with their lives even though death took their one and only away. We see that this is how these things go. We learn that time will heal and keeping busy will help. 

But then it happens to us and all of that is thrown out the door. This is not at all like what we saw with others or our interpretation of what they went through. I think of someone like David Kessler who has had a decades-long career as a writer, lecturer and grief expert...lots of his videos are online...and then sadly, in 2016, his son died from an accidental drug overdose. David then spent his months after going on, basically, a mea culpa tour....apologizing to those in his past that he consoled and counseled now realizing the full and intense feelings of their grief. 

Understanding that this loss has everything to do with our hearts...our tragically broken hearts...is how we feel and honour our grief. Despite what the world tells me, I continue to miss my partner. It's not something that I can just will out of my mind. I'm putting my trust into this grief. 

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

. An actor shakes and faints in one scene at the death of their loved one and then in the next, they're coping and back to normal. 

Often out of the blue apparead an incredible loving person and the griever immediately fall in love and forget the pain and the previous lover...Happily ever after!!!🙃

[Matthew C]

On 8/22/2023 at 8:51 PM, widower2 said:

With all due respect, I think your sister is wrong and do yourself a favor and forget the whole "5 stages" bit. You're not in any one stage, you're simply in mourning, and it's a complex and often chaotic process with many feelings dancing around. You're going to have many ups and downs over time, and it's not likely to be an even pattern, but most likely overall you will trend in the right direction...the searing anguish becomes less sharp, the tears less frequent, the longing more bearable. I get that it may seem impossible now, but it's not.  

Lord ain't that the truth.  My wife passed on May 29 this year.  She was 42 and we have 2 young children.  I was in shock, sad, angry, sad, angry.  Every day is different.  Some days are easy and the busy day doesn't have room for much but the weekends have been the hardest.  I'm on a 3 day weekend now and I have no idea what to do with myself.  So there's room for grief.  I hate weekends now.  I'm lonely and sad and it's not fair but I'll get through it for our children.  I hope to find love again one day but it terrifies me and I feel guilty for even thinking about it.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, Matthew, you're one year older than my daughter, it just seems so unfair.

[Matthew C]

Thank you.  August 1st would have been our 15 year anniversary.  I never considered a future without her in it.  I still can't.  She had an aneurysm at 42.  It was looking like a lifetime in a longterm care facility until she had 2 more.  It was a mercy she didn't survive and I am so thankful she would not have to endure a living nightmare but her light is still gone.  Now I'm enduring the nightmare, for her I can handle it.  For her I will endure.

[KayC]

I totally get what you're saying, it's how I feel about my husband...the one left is the one that suffers.