It’s been three weeks since my daughter drowned.

[Devistated Dad]

My three year old daughter drowned in the pool three weeks ago. Somehow day after day the pain is getting worse and worse. I was at work and her and her twin brother somehow got the back sliding door open while my wife was putting laundry away. They managed to get her heart started after about a half an hour but she was brain dead. We kept her on life support for five days and then came to terms with reality and decided to donate her organs. I had to walk her to the operating room and turn her over. They lined the halls with the entire staff of the hospital for the final walk. I made eye contact with one of the nurses and we were both crying. I never met this woman before and I will never forget the look on her face. I was suppose to walk her down the aisle someday and instead I wound up walking her to have her organs harvested at three years old. I can’t describe the pain I’m feeling. I have two other kids so I’m not considering suicide or anything but it hurts so badly that if it wasn’t for them I probably would be. We saw a grief counselor today but as I suspected she wasn’t of much help. I feel like I need to be committed or something. We had them play a Beatles song when they operated on her and as I sit in bed the song is playing over and over in my head and all I can see is that nurses face and my little girl lifeless in her little casket at the funeral. I don’t know what to do. My wife tried killing herself on the way to the hospital too. It’s 3:18 in the morning and I’m sipping whiskey hoping to numb the pain. This is the fourth consecutive night I can’t sleep. I’m still functioning during the day so it’s just when I’m alone and idle when things start going south. Does this get any easier ? I’m at the point where I feel like I just want to give up. 

Edited August 16, 2023 by Devistated Dad
More stuff came to mind.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss. Mere words aren't enough of a tool to help at this point but I want to extend them anyway. I have lost two very much wanted pregnancies after years of trying, but I didn't get to hold my child or watch them grow, or know their personality, so my loss is not like yours.  I'm glad you donated her organs.  My husband died 18 years ago, way too young, unexpected, on Father's Day...and I donated his organs, all they could use was his eyes, his beautiful blue eyes.

I do want to mention that whiskey is a depressant, not what you need at this time.  

You say your wife tried killing herself on the way to the hospital too...I am so sorry. 

My little sister lost her little girl just shy of her second birthday, she was born without a brain. I'll never forget when she called me and her child was born four months early...I was at church in the office  when I got the call.  Courtney had a personality, we got to know her, but she couldn't form conscious thoughts.  That was 30 years ago. Her doctor told her that her body tried to miscarry because it knew something was wrong but she took such good care of herself, Courtney lived.  

You don't ever forget.  Death is the start of the grief journey, but it has no ending...it will not always be like day one though, this is an evolving journey.

Please see a doctor.  I struggled for years on no sleep and finally went to the doctor, I should have accepted his help in the beginning, but I thought it'd be a temporary bandaid on a permanent situation.  I was wrong.  

Give the grief counselor three tries and then try another...or look for another now...I was lucky to find one online that has become my friend and she has been amazing over the years.  She's in her 80s now and started a grief site 20 years ago, has amazing articles and is a wealth of knowledge, but alas her site is too quiet.  But please keep trying.  I used to lead a grief support group in my rural town, it ended in Covid.  Perhaps sometime I'll try again.

My heart goes out to you in your loss.  We get through this the best way we know to, but it helps to read articles and books and reach out for others online like you just did.  

I wrote this ten years after my husband died...no order, everyone is different but I gleaned this from my own journey and from getting to know thousands of others who have gone through it with their losses so it's not a how to...but tips.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Brandon Wants To Help]

In short, I am a Dad that lost a child. My time with her was short, and I have felt pain.

I will never try to say that I understand your pain completely, but I will say that I am here for you if you need me.

I know what it is like to try and be strong for others when I am breaking at the seams.

I will check back into this chat to see if you reply to let you know that I am listening.

I can't give your words of comfort, because I know they won't work, at least they didn't for me.

I will be here of your if you need me.

For the question, "does it get easier"? I hate saying it, but, eventually.

With that, I will hold onto those good and bad moments of my child's life, because they are what I have. 

Write back soon.

 

[marks]

devastated dad.  My son died needlessly in december 2022.  DO NOT TURN TO ALCOHOL.  Your family needs you---and they need you healthy and not as an alcoholic.  Alcohol will numb the pain, but you have to deal with it- not numb it.  I had knee replacement and I tried numbing my pain with the pain meds I had left over---which was a lot of them.  Then when I ran out I went to the dr and made up some story about how painful my knee was.  He took my complaint seriously and checked it, xrayed it, ordered an MRI, and said "with the metal its hard to see what is going on inside with radiology".  He wanted me to go to physical therapy and told me I might need a revision surgery if its that painful and wont quit---meaning a second surgery.  I asked for pain meds.  He lectured me about how the government has cracked down and blah blah---and gave me 45 pills.   They lasted a week- not the month he said ----One or 2 at bedtime for severe pain, must last 30 days was the script.  So now I had to wait 3 weeks.  Lucky I could see the slipperly slope I was getting on, and stopped while I could (without help).  It starts out innocently and with good intentions, but turns into something that will consume your life.  I can't imagine the pain you feel, but I definitely understand it---losing a child is losing a child.  Please know there are a lot of us here who have had our hearts ripped out and we know----and some of us with some time under our belt so to speak can and will help.  It still hurts.  It probably always will, but its now been 9 months and is a little easier.   Its not easy- its easier.  Please keep in touch-- please stay away from the alcohol--it will make everything worse.  job loss, DUI, loss of loved ones---you might not see that now--but thats what happens.  I write this with love and caring in my heart---I am not chastising or judging---

[SER_Mama]

It’s been awhile since your original post. I wanted to share with you that I have a similar experience. My 5 year old son, also a twin, drowned in our pool, at the end of August. They got his heart started but as with your daughter, he was brain dead, and his heart was starting to fail again. We were not able to donate his organs. I hate that he drowned because as adults we know there was a struggle, panic, and fear that they must have gone through and it just makes me so angry he had to endure that. We have placed a tremendous amount of blame on each other for the accident, we have separated for good. There were problems before the loss of our son, losing him exacerbated them. I started trauma, EMDR, and grief therapy immediately. If your wife found your daughter, I would highly recommend. I will also state that not all therapists are highly trained in grief, found out the hard way. I still cry a lot, but I do a lot of things that bring me comfort that his Dad would never even consider doing. We grieve completely different. I have learned in the last 2 months that the grief and my guilt will never go away, I am just learning to live life with them. When I am feeling super sad I also try to think of super happy memories to help with the sadness or watch videos of him. Kiss his pictures. Hug his favorite stuffed animal, and talk to him out loud. I am grieving the loss of my son and spouse and family unit all at once and it gets to be so overwhelming sometimes. If you and your wife are still together, give each other grace and space, and meet each other with understanding as you mourn for the same precious baby. Definitely try not to rely on the alcohol as a numbing agent. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.

And for anyone reading this:
EMDR
Psychology Tools, CBT, EMDR
Brainspotting and EMDR

Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today