A Dear Abby

[KayC]

 

Six Years On, Widow Can't Let Go of Husband - August 12, 2023 -

 

DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend whose husband passed away six years ago. They had a 45-year marriage with plenty of ups and downs. She's 81 and in excellent health. You would think she was 60 if you met her. She is very youthful and full of energy.

The problem is, when I'm with her she constantly talks about her late husband as if he's still with us: "Oh, Joe would love this," "Joe always said ...," "Joe would say ...," etc. During one luncheon, she mentioned him 20 times as if he were sitting with us! In retrospect, her marriage now seems to have become the greatest love story ever told, and Joe has risen to sainthood. It's unnerving.

Is this healthy behavior? It seems excessive to me. On the anniversary of his death, she says she's "going to stay home and be with Joe," which translates to her being at home, alone, becoming depressed and crying. I hear how sad and emotionally drained she is afterward. I am at a loss about what to do, if anything. I offer a sympathetic ear, but should I say anything to her, and if so, what? She has a grief counselor, and I'm wondering if he's really helping her move forward. My friend seems stuck in the role of grieving widow. I don't mean to be insensitive to losing a life partner, but I worry about her mental state. Please advise what I can say or do to help her. -- DOESN'T SEEM NORMAL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DOESN'T: I am relatively new to the grieving experience, having lost my husband 3 1/2 years ago, but allow me to share some insight. The adage that there is no timetable for grieving is accurate. Some widows and widowers are able to move on quickly. For others, it takes a long time for the ache to subside, and their spouse pops into their consciousness every day. If your friend needs to idealize her "up and down" 45-year marriage, please don't rain on her parade. Let her enjoy the fantasy, if it is one. And, when you know she's going to be depressed and crying on those milestone anniversaries, ask her out to lunch or dinner so she won't be as isolated as she feels. If necessary, tell her that after such a great loss, it's no wonder she's feeling awful, and she should mention it to her therapist.

I love that in her response she mentioned that there is no timetable, and not to rain on her parade! 

[Jemiga70]

On 8/12/2023 at 8:35 AM, KayC said:

I love that in her response she mentioned that there is no timetable, and not to rain on her parade! 

Exactly.

It's interesting the writer deems her friend's behaviour "excessive."  Who's to say?

[widower2]

True enough...but I agree with the writer that it's excessive after six years. Frankly I suspect this woman's therapist is lame, which doesn't surprise me, as IMO that's the norm, not the exception. Most therapists are ill equipped to deal with this, even those touting themselves as specializing in grief. 

[KayC]

As old as this person is and having spent her life with her husband, I think any way she grieves is her way of connecting with him and people shouldn't find exception with it.  Her choice is to continue spending time with her or ditch her like all our friends did in the beginning.  I hope she chooses the former and not the latter.  Be a friend and listen to her, humor her.

[shawnt]

I think some people never get thru, either by choice or they can't.

I have learned everyone's path is unique just like the people they loved. If they ask for help then we help, if living in the past is what they want then who is to judge them. I do some pretty weird things to survive.

Life is hard, always has been. The loss of our loves makes it harder still, if staying in your glory days makes it easier, even if some of it is imaginary or wishful remembering than who am I to stand in the way. My job is to comfort if I can .

[KayC]

Yep, one of my favorite verses in the Bible is to comfort with the same comfort God has given us, to me it lends purpose to the meaning, comfort.

[foreverhis]

On 8/12/2023 at 7:35 AM, KayC said:

In retrospect, her marriage now seems to have become the greatest love story ever told, and Joe has risen to sainthood. It's unnerving.

This is something we've talked about here.  I have had to refrain from placing John on a "sainthood" pedestal.  Of course he was imperfect, as am I (obviously).  Yet why would I want to talk about those flaws to others when remembering him?  Those who knew him well already know and those who didn't don't need to hear about them.  Besides, he's not here to "defend" himself or answer back with my own imperfections, which he never did anyway.

Yet I think it is a delicate balance between focusing on the good and elevating our lost loves to the most perfect person who ever lived.  John was the best person who ever lived, for me.  He was perfectly imperfect and loved me "warts and all."

[KayC]

I know George wasn't perfect but he was perfect for me, and I'd come to terms with his flaws and forgave him so why would I want to bring that up?  Besides, I'm flawed too and he always loved and accepted me.