Torment of loneliness

[WithoutHer]

Six months ago today I lost my Vickie. Like so many here going through this torment alone feels unbearable. Every day is the same routine I call just surviving. If I didn't have our animals to care for life would have no purpose. I have witnessed the changes in their personalities with her loss as much as I feel my own. While a tackled the pantry a little bit I have accomplished nothing else since her passing. It all seems so pointless. I've said before I know she would want me to go on living and find a happy place but without her here I don't see me finding my way there. I was a recluse when she came into my life yet now I don't know how to live without her. She was my only family and friend and we enjoyed each other's company for just over 11 years. 11 years that my mind now questions if they were real. There's no waking up in the morning to find she is still here and it was just a bad dream. No one or anything can fill the hole left in my soul with her gone.

 

[KayC]

I totally get it...I have reached that conclusion too...no one can replace my George.  I do what needs to be done here...my church is always trying to get me involved in this and that but...

[Dawn Wms]

I understand your loneliness.  I wish I could offer some help but the only thing I have is compassion.  I am very sorry for your loss.  There is no replacing a soul mate.  It is especially hard for those of us who are not terribly social by nature.  We tend to isolate and the loneliness is intense.  I am enduring it but I don't now how.  I wish you strength.

[shawnt]

It was real, that's why it hurts so much. The missing them will never stop. We have to somehow live without and go on. I feel breathless sometimes when I realize I will never hold her hand again, I am not lonely , I just miss my wife.

[DWS]

11 hours ago, shawnt said:

I am not lonely , I just miss my wife.

There's so much truth and power in your statement that it overwhelmed me last night when I read it. During all of these agonizing months of my grief, there has always been this nagging feeling of having to get up like a responsible adult, dust myself off and get on with the rest of my life. Week after week, month after month...a continual gnawing that you have to go on...no turning back...let it go.... because that's what society tells us. That's what we learned. Someone dies but you continue the good fight. "Life's too short". But missing someone is our truth. It may cause loneliness but for an entirely legitimate reason. No one can tell me to stop missing my partner and I feel stronger saying that. 

[shawnt]

I think that's it, it's both. I will always miss her but I have to continue. I have kids that need me, a business that relies on me, many people need me to show up. None of that changes who is missing, can't fill that hole , nothing will. But I hope that I can find some joy in what's still here . 

Most people who think we shouldn't still be sad have never had to miss someone for the rest of their lives. I am actually happy for them in their ignorance. I wish I didn't know some of the things I know.

I think that's why there is such happiness in children's laughter, there is no one missing.

[KayC]

6 minutes ago, shawnt said:

Most people who think we shouldn't still be sad have never had to miss someone for the rest of their lives. I am actually happy for them in their ignorance. I wish I didn't know some of the things I know.

Yes and amen to this!

[shawnt]

Amen. 

[Nancy2]

That's what's so strange.  I feel like I should wake up from this bad dream, but I don't.

[KayC]

I remember feeling that way too the first few months.

[WithoutHer]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

I remember feeling that way too the first few months.

I still feel that way even at just over 6 months now. Today for some reason has been exceptionally bad. Being alone with no one to talk to or share thoughts with making it even more difficult for me. I watch TV and miss so much our commenting especially about how annoying some commercials are made. I see the ones that annoyed Vickie so much she would mute the sound until they were over and have at times done that in her memory. That's a little thing that I get a little smile about but also makes me miss her that much more. 

Just from past issues I had before we came together I know I can't do the therapy thing be it group or individual. I have no real bonds with any coworkers from the job I retired from and no family so I feel extremely limited socially. Her daughter calls me about once a month and that's a short distraction from the loneliness but the day to day is emotionally draining.

[Woundedheart47]

It’s been 7 months now since I lost the love of my life.  The pain every single day is unimaginable!  How much I miss seeing his face, hearing his voice, holding his hand…just everything.  I never imagined my world without him in it!

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Woundedheart47 said:

It’s been 7 months now since I lost the love of my life.  The pain every single day is unimaginable!  How much I miss seeing his face, hearing his voice, holding his hand…just everything.  I never imagined my world without him in it!

Welcome here, it helps to come here to read and post and know you aren't alone in this.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[widower2]

7 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I honestly feel it is for life - if you had that strong deep love with your loved one, like we all have - I think we will always feel this way.

However there are times when it is right there at the front of your head & other times when it is there, but not so at the forefront of what you are doing.

We will always miss them of course, but over time the pain does tend to soften and become much more manageable.

[KayC]

Perhaps you will find out in time...

[Sar123]

As the fog begins to lift, the reality is setting in, and I can’t climb out of this downward spiral I’ve been in for last couple of weeks. I miss him so much and it can still seem unreal that he’s gone. Keeping busy has helped me. Now all of that is coming to an end and life without him is the reality that I have to accept and get used to.
 

I thought i could do this on my own, but I was wrong and I’ve decided I need to see a grief counselor. At first, seeing someone who only knows about grief from a textbook didn’t appeal to me because they don’t know firsthand what it’s like, but as the days go on, I know I need to talk to someone to work through this. My son and his family live in another country and my daughter lives 7 hours away in another state. We are close and talk and text frequently, but it’s not the same as having them close by. I just feel so alone at times. I want to get through this latest round of grief. 

[Nancy2]

I go to a therapist.  She helps, but I am also going to start a grief group.  I would prefer a grief group just with widows and widowers, but an in-person group just with widows is impossible to find.  I am starting Griefshare in early September, a grief group in general, so I will see how that goes.  I feel alone too, but I talk to one friend or the other almost every day, and go out to lunch with friends a few times a week.  It's not the same as my husband, but it's better than nothing.  My daughter lives out of town too, but we talk and text frequently.  If you are able to travel, that has been very helpful for me.  It brings me some joy and takes me out of the house where my husband and I lived together.  I also am trying to travel while I still can because as I saw with my husband, anything can happen at any time to anybody who seems perfectly healthy just out of the blue, so I try to do today what I may not be able to do tomorrow..

[shawnt]

I read "It's OK your not Ok" , some of the usual not helpful but there was something about the whole book that helped. 

Nothing will fix it. They are gone and now I have to live the rest of my life always missing her. 

[KayC]

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They also sell at ThriftBooks cheaper.

 

[Nancy2]

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

I read "It's OK your not Ok" , some of the usual not helpful but there was something about the whole book that helped. 

Nothing will fix it. They are gone and now I have to live the rest of my life always missing her. 

 

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

I read "It's OK your not Ok" , some of the usual not helpful but there was something about the whole book that helped. 

Nothing will fix it. They are gone and now I have to live the rest of my life always missing her. 

I was reading books on widowhood, and they helped a lot.  I am still at the stage where I just can't believe he is gone.  I feel like he should walk through the door because so much of his stuff is still here that he used all of the time.  And he loved our house.  I don't know what to do.  Should I leave the house or should I stay?  Any decision sounds disturbing and costly.  Everyone says to wait a year, so I will try to do that before I decide whether to leave the house.  It's very sad being here without him, but I feel guilty moving and leaving the house that he took such good care of.

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Nancy2 said:

I am still at the stage where I just can't believe he is gone.  I feel like he should walk through the door because so much of his stuff is still here that he used all of the time.  And he loved our house.  I don't know what to do.  Should I leave the house or should I stay?  Any decision sounds disturbing and costly.  Everyone says to wait a year, so I will try to do that before I decide whether to leave the house.  It's very sad being here without him, but I feel guilty moving and leaving the house that he took such good care of.

There are still times when I can't believe my partner's gone but for me personally, being around all of those things in the house are sweet continual reminders of his presence. He was here and his presence remains...sadly, not physically but spiritually and aura-wise. That's his chair at the one end of the table. He always sat on the right side of me on the couch so that's his spot. He laid on the right side of the bed and I continue sleeping on the left. I guess, eventually, we do get used to their non-presence despite all of the pain involved. That's where honouring what once was is so important.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Nancy2 said:

Everyone says to wait a year

I had grief fog and my decision making wasn't the best in those early years...I'd extend that to three years unless a financial hardship.