Should I go to a festival a week before my mother’s funeral?

[Seven0onee]

Hi,

 

I’m new here and I didn’t know where else to go for advise. It’s gonna be a bit long but thank you to everyone who reads until the end! ❤️

 

So my mother died a month ago after an almost five year long cancer battle exactly one week before my 23rd birthday.

My best friend had also died after 1.5 years of cancer in 2019.

I’ve gone through a pretty rocky/toxic relationship after that but I luckily met my boyfriend of two years now who helped me to get through the aftermath.

He has also lost a lot of people in his life, including his dad 8 years ago and close friend 1.5 years ago. So we pretty much both know what the other is going through.

 

We both made a lot of sacrifices to be with each other. We both lost a lot of our friends and he moved 500km away with me without hesitation to be closer to my family. But my family is not the best and he often told me that it would not be good for my mental health to go to my family. He also has a problem with him not being prioritised first due to his family not being the best.

I never asked him to not visit his family or other friends, I also said I’d come with him. But he decided himself to stay here with me. He didn’t see his family for two years.

I also often cancelled on my family and haven’t been with my mom as often as I could have been. I also put off seeing other family members or friends for the last two years.

But he told me a few days after my mom died that he thinks it would be good for me to spend some time alone with my sister.

 

So since my sister gave me one-day tickets to a festival to go to with her as my birthday present, I was really looking forward to it and not thinking of it not being a good idea. The festival is a week before my mothers funeral and my sister and I thought it was a nice idea to spend some time together before that.

But my boyfriend did not think at all think so and said he meant something different. Plus we have a stressful living situation with our loud upstairs neighbour and a poorly soundproofed apartment. We are moving a few days after my moms funeral.

He told me that he subconsciously feels that he is willing to cancel everything without hesitation and I can’t even cancel a simple weekend with my sister. He feels bad about even making such a fuzz out of it and feels like a shitty boyfriend, but can’t help what he feels.

I understand it’s a stressful time in general and doesn’t fit so perfectly. 

But I also gave up a lot for him. And the thing with the tickets is that I mentioned once to my sister that I’d like to see an artist live but there aren’t any concerts this year anymore. And my sister found this festival where the artist performs. This can’t just be postponed.

I have difficulties explaining that to him, because I feel like I‘m putting a simple festival act before him.

 

Am I being selfish? I don’t know what to do.

 

thanks for the help!

[KayC]

No I do not think you're being selfish, to be quite honest I don't think he should manipulate or control you in that way.  No one has the right to decide what is right for someone else,  you went through a lot with your mom's lengthy cancer journey and I think it's up to you and your sister to decide.  JMO for what it's worth.

[Traz]

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom and everything you have gone through. To have your boyfriend put guilt trips on you about this event with your sister, is a red flag. Also when you mentioned him 'not being prioritized'-  it set off alarm bells. 

You do not owe him anything because he decided to move with you and leave his family. Using guilt as a weapon is not good. That's what manipulators do. You have the right to a life separate from him. I say these things because my daughter was a victim of a manipulative, gaslighting narcissist. The damage done to her almost put her in a mental hospital. He was 'wonderful' in the beginning of the relationship, love-bombing and over the top grand gestures.  Little by little though, the controlling set in. The guilt and manipulation. Then the isolation from family and friends. I would hate to see another young woman go through what my daughter did. Please just be careful. Narcs are dangerous. I don't know if your BF is one, but those are a few warning signs to be aware of.

Go to this event with your sister. I'm sure your mom would be happy to know you and your sister were spending quality time together. 

[Lil Bit]

I think you should go! I'd imagine your mom would want you to live life and have some fun during this incredibly difficult time. Also, distraction is actually a very necessary part of the healing and grieving process. Be present when you're there - let the music, nature, and time with your sister soothe you.

None of my business really but your boyfriend...not it. I've been there and believe me you deserve better sis. 

Sending you much much love and support. GO HAVE SOME FUN!! And be safe <3