A constant reminder

[Bebe23]

My adult son and his girlfriend abused her child who is around two years old and she died. And now he is in jail, awaiting trial, and he’s going to spend probably 45 years of his life in prison he’s currently 25 there was no sexual abuse only physical they were both on drugs, and as I sit here, trying to put the words out so I can explain. I just don’t even know what to say. i’ve looked and I just don’t see a place for parents in this position. I don’t even know where to start to understand any of it. I’m not even sure that this forum will help or how it can.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your losses, loss of son to prison is a real loss, and trying to make sense of something that feels nonsensical to us is no use.  Trying to understand what we can't fathom.  I guess the best you can do is try to accept that life has changed for all of you, you included and where do you go from here.  My heart goes out to you.

I used to do prison ministry when I was younger.  I didn't ask them their crimes, only that they never lie to me.  They did tell me what they did and amazingly most were honest with me, the ones that weren't I cut off.  I had no time for game playing.  I guess I just started where they were at.  

I would hope your son would get anger management while he's inside.  All he can work on is bettering himself, starting with owning his responsibility in this poor baby's death. 

I have seen a thread similar but don't recall what it was called, or when it was posted, maybe within the last year.  Just know you are not alone in going through something like this.  I'm glad you posted and I think it's a good place to start.  You might want to consider grief counseling when you're ready. 

I can't imagine all you are feeling right now, I would imagine your head and heart are swirling.

Sending you hugs, my thoughts and prayers.

Here is a link that might be helpful:
https://thebereavementacademy.com/grieving-incarcerated-loved-one/

[Bebe23]

Thank you for responding. It is very difficult to know how to navigate this situation. I wish I knew how to discuss with people my feelings. I want to cry a lot and I’m sad a lot. I feel like I’ve lost my son too and due to trying be respectful I can’t grieve the loss of him because of his awful crime. I’m looking for resources at this point or people to share with that are kind and can understand where I’m coming from. 
 

[KayC]

I think you'll find this a very caring group of people, we've all had our losses and grieve, some because of death but others for other reasons.  Just pour your feelings out here.  No one will poke fun at you, I promise.
I wrote this ten years after losing my husband...of what I learned through mine and other's journeys.  Even though a different type of loss, I think most of the tips remain...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.