Sending a sympathy card long after the loss?

[widower2]

As some of you may have read in another thread, I recently found that a childhood friend passed away last year. I've debated sending a card to her mother. I'd be interested in your thoughts, esp those of you whose loss is a year or two-ish out. On one hand, it seems logical enough; sure, pay respects and a nice gesture. However, I'm also concerned about basically poking that wound, which at this point she hopefully has started to have some degree of healing from.

[DWS]

I don't think it would be poking the wound. If anything, it might help bring some comfort and reassurance to her knowing that her daughter is fondly remembered by a friend from her childhood years. Sending a card lets her know that her daughter's death is so meaningful to you that you couldn't dismiss it despite how many months ago it happened. 

[LMR]

I am coming up to three years and I am still struggling. In my situation I would be happy to hear from anyone who had fond memories. I would especially appreciate somebody actually talking about the person I have lost and sharing their own memories. They are here in our hearts every moment of the day but we are generally not allowed to talk about them.

I would say go ahead and write.

[DMB]

I think it will be fine and her mother would love to hear from you.  I received cards at his 1st anniversary, and a few thinking of you cards well after.  

[widower2]

Thanks all! I was thinking/hoping that made sense, but wasn't sure. 

[foreverhis]

@widower2  Yes, I think it would be a good thing.  You (and we) know more than others that a moment of comfort, of knowing someone remembers and is thinking about us and the loves we've lost, can be a treasure.  When it's sincere and when it's from a place of caring, as yours would be, I have found a measure of peace in "late" condolences. 

[KayC]

I don't think it inappropriate whenever you send it. Those of us who've gone through it know that it never goes away and welcome anyone that remembers them to us.

[DWS]

18 hours ago, LMR said:

I am coming up to three years and I am still struggling. In my situation I would be happy to hear from anyone who had fond memories. I would especially appreciate somebody actually talking about the person I have lost and sharing their own memories.

That reminds me of an article that I read somewhere on What's Your Grief where the author noted how she loved discovering new photos and stories of her deceased Mother. She had plenty of her mom's photos but if someone from her past showed her a photo that she had never seen before, that seemed to help enhance the remembrances of her. I know that my collection of photos have now helped to shape the story and memories of my partner...and perhaps has even distorted it as well at this point. Seeing an unfamiliar photo....one that might show him from a different angle, in a different shirt, he's on a bike or whatever...throws him into a different light and makes me relive him all over again. 

[I miss you so much]

On 8/8/2023 at 6:51 PM, widower2 said:

As some of you may have read in another thread, I recently found that a childhood friend passed away last year. I've debated sending a card to her mother. I'd be interested in your thoughts, esp those of you whose loss is a year or two-ish out. On one hand, it seems logical enough; sure, pay respects and a nice gesture. However, I'm also concerned about basically poking that wound, which at this point she hopefully has started to have some degree of healing from.

Like other comments here, I also think a caring and supportive sign is always welcomed

[widower2]

Sent the card the other day. It would be nice to hear back, but I don't expect it and didn't ask for it (didn't include a phone # or email). I didn't know her and just didn't feel right. Found her brother on FB and sent my wishes but never heard back. Oh well 

[foreverhis]

@widower2 I think it was a thoughtful and lovely gesture. Whether you hear back or not, you know you sent sincere condolences. 

[KayC]

Exactly. I think he's superb for doing that, whether they every recognize it or not. Maybe they're just too out of it.

I remember when I hit a year out and looked back at my records,  I was surprise that I had no recognition of people sending things, doing things for me, even though I had sent thank you notes...we're just in such shock.

[widower2]

Thanks to you both. Again I don't expect recognition; I just wish I'd known sooner as the timing is odd. I wish she (my friend) had said something about being really sick, but really we were basically just "pen pals" at that point at best, it's not like we were really close, and I certainly understand not wanting to reveal or talk about it. 

Kay yeah our so-called friends were mostly a huge disappointment too, and I also had gone out of my way to send thank you notes and thank them for being such great friends etc. Ironic isn't it? 

[KayC]

It sure is, all our friends disappeared right after the funeral (two weeks after he died), my two BFFs before then!

[shawnt]

I have a pile at least a foot high of sympathy cards and donation notices and funeral home sign in book. I have a box of thank you cards and a roll of stamps beside it, I haven't sent one. Every time I start I weep , even looking at the pile makes me feel bad, sad and guilty . I haven't been able to do it. ( my mother would be appalled at my manners) . Another duty of death I put off until I can be strong enough to do it.

[widower2]

I certainly don't mean to speak for your mother, but I suspect in the light of what you're going through, she understands. Don't beat yourself up for being human; it's not fair and you're going through enough as it is.

[Griefsucks810]

On 8/8/2023 at 5:07 PM, foreverhis said:

@widower2  Yes, I think it would be a good thing.  You (and we) know more than others that a moment of comfort, of knowing someone remembers and is thinking about us and the loves we've lost, can be a treasure.  When it's sincere and when it's from a place of caring, as yours would be, I have found a measure of peace in "late" condolences. 

I did not receive emotional support from any of my husband’s family members as they all turned their backs on me altogether upon learning of his death.  All of the friends I met thru him and sought from stopped talking to me. I don’t understand till this day why his family members shut me out of their lives when I needed them then the most.  I mourned his death alone and continue to live in a state of misery that he is gone and I will never see him again in this life.  I gave him a proper cremation burial at his family burial plot which was his last wish to be buried with his deceased  family members 

[KayC]

I'm sorry they weren't there for you...it could be they were going through their own grief or didn't know what to say.  My husband's family wasn't there for me either or any of our friends.