New Here! A place I don’t what to be!

[CourtH]

Hello! I can’t believe my life has brought me to grieving support groups such as this. I lost the love of my life on July 5th 2023. He passed from a motorcycle accident. He was 51 years old. I was awoken at 1am with the hwy patrol banging on the door to tell me what happened. Since that day I have developed all kids of fears, anxieties, you name it. I and still numb. This pain is unbearable. I have yet to return to work as I can barley talk without breaking down. I just need this grief to loosen its grip so I can begin to heal. He is a grip so tight that I can’t breathe. I have been seeing my doctor and I have started counseling, but some days it feels like I’m starting at day one of this. This is a lonely, paralyzing, crippling feeling. I hope anyone can offer some encouragement and that one day I will see light in this darkness. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost mine 18 years ago Father's Day, he was also 51 by five days.

My heart goes out to you!  It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but I want you to know there is hope on down the road.  Not a day goes by but what I think of him, yet I've learned to do my life one day at a time.

Right now in the middle of a fire evacuation, packing up...I don't know what tomorrow holds but...one day at a time.
I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps to know there are others that get it and understand.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[shawnt]

It does not get better, but it does become bearable. I know it doesn't help but it is the truth you have to do it day by day, sometimes hour by hour. Coming here has helped me, there are many people here who share their pain and struggle and how they cope. Some how it helps to know many, many folks are on the same path and although we all walk alone we are trying to get to the same place. I am sorry for your loss.

[DWS]

My heart truly goes out to you, CourtH, on such a horrific tragedy. It's no surprise at all that you're numb. I imagine you're still in shock with the accident happening just a few weeks ago. Thankfully, you have your doctor working with you and have started some counseling. I think one of the greatest pieces of advice is to be kind, gentle and patient with yourself. This is not something that you can think your way through and move through quickly. With this loss happening so sudden and so violent, there is absolutely no reason to think you should be behaving any differently than how you have been. All of us here know that this is not where you want to be. We're here with you and for you in this darkness.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, shawnt said:

It does not get better

Someone once wrote it doesn't get better but it gets bettER and I understood what they meant...life is never the same again, it's not ever like it's all well, 

BUT neither would I say it is never better in the sense when you compare it to the early days/months/years...we get better at adapting to the changes it's meant for our lives.  We still long for them, but know that wishing for them doesn't bring them back. We become our own best friend, learn to honor ourselves, to take good care of ourselves, be patient, kind, understanding of ourselves like we would a best friend...for we have become that to ourselves.

We find little things to look forward to in our days, we build in a schedule (I remember Dr. Phil talking about that) and that helps.  Right now I'm in a fire evacuation and it leaves us in upheaval...that's tough.  I'm packed and ready to go at a moment's notice...even that leaves us in upheaval...where did I put the dog food? Where is my hand lotion?  And it'll be like that until I come back home and have everything put away and have the refrigerator restocked...

We humans have a built in sense of order and when something occurs that takes that away, it's rough to navigate.

[RichS]

CourtH. : We on this board totally understand what you’re going through; having gone through similar situations in our own lives. Here you will find caring, sympathetic people who listen and offer helpful advice when they can. This board has been a great coping tool for me. I lost my wife of 42 years a year ago. Please continue to post here. WELCOME!!

[KayC]

On 8/8/2023 at 4:45 AM, DWS said:

think one of the greatest pieces of advice is to be kind, gentle and patient with yourself.

And this is something I was just talking with my neighbor (lost her husband six months ago) about, how important it is, to be our own best friend, patient, understanding, gentle with ourselves. 

[CourtH]

Did anyone else develop anxiety and fears they never had? I feel I am scared of everything, the idea of going back to work, driving my car, going out in public. Anxieties  I can’t even begin to explain because I can’t explain them to myself. They are just there. There is no way to live like this from now on. 

[RichS]

18 minutes ago, CourtH said:

I feel I am scared of everything, the idea of going back to work, driving my car, going out in public.

You're going through what is best described as SHOCK. We've all been through it to varying degrees. A trip to your doctor (telling them how you feel) may be helpful.

4 hours ago, KayC said:

how important it is, to be our own best friend, patient, understanding, gentle with ourselves. 

I've had some people remind me of that. Sometimes I think that I expect too much of myself because of my responsibilities.

[KayC]

I've had GAD since a child but George's arms always managed it.  After he died, however, I was through the roof.  I'd worry during the middle of the night about the most ridiculous things, and the lack of sleep was horrible.  It took me 3 1/2 years to research anti-anxiety meds and get the doctor to prescribe it, I didn't want an SSRI or something that would alter my brain.  I plan to be on it the rest of my life.  No side effects, it just takes the edge off so I can cope.  Buspar (Buspirone).

The sleeping pill took me years to go on, I went on Trazodone about 3-4 years ago, lowest dose (in higher doses it can alter the brain)...I highly recommend seeing your doctor to discuss these issues.  I love finally getting enough sleep after years of not, I plan to stay on this also.  No side effects.

[shawnt]

Yes I have fears now I never had before. Rich is probably right, shock and trauma throw us off normal. I have known some people it becomes unbearable, go see your dr. and be patient and gentle with yourself. The path we are on isn't easy and it is long .

[RichS]

4 minutes ago, KayC said:

I plan to be on it the rest of my life.  No side effects, it just takes the edge off so I can cope.  Buspar (Buspirone).

I'm on a low dose of generic version of Prozac. I plan on taking it for the rest of my life as well. It seems to be helping; and is the first anti-anxiety medication that hasn't caused any side effects or has worn off.

[CourtH]

I have been to my doctor.. Buspar actually did not work for me. I already take cymbalta for nerve issues in my foot so I’m limited on other meds. So the dr decreased my cymbalta and added Wellbutrin 75mg twice a day. I have started counseling and will start GriefShare 8/21. The thoughts of these feelings lasting years is even more debilitating. I am a nurse. I have seen loss, but never with myself. I have days of thinking I don’t want to be a nurse anymore because I do not want to see loss ever again. 

[KayC]

Yes, it's important to research and find what works best for us. My doctor put me on Valium, that lasted two days, I had a long commute and it made me so tired I was afraid I'd kill myself or someone else on the road! I couldn't do my job either.  THAT is when I did my research and printed it out and brought it into the doctor. He got a little sarcastic (bruised ego?) but I didn't care, so long as he prescribed it!

2 minutes ago, CourtH said:

The thoughts of these feelings lasting years is even more debilitating. I am a nurse.

That's tough.  Give it a year and see how you're doing, griefshare will help, and so will counseling.  I went back to the hospital George died in a year later and couldn't stop the tears flowing. I was there to visit my friend's husband, I felt terrible crying but couldn't help it.  My heart goes out to you.  

[RichS]

5 minutes ago, CourtH said:

I have started counseling and will start GriefShare 8/21.

Sometimes a change in anti-anxiety medication takes 2-3 weeks to kick in. Other than that, you seem to be doing the right things to help yourself. 

[DWS]

1 hour ago, CourtH said:

Did anyone else develop anxiety and fears they never had? I feel I am scared of everything, the idea of going back to work, driving my car, going out in public. 

Put trust in that the fears will eventually subside. Please do not worry that you will feel this way from now on. Your loss was sudden and unexpected. Everything likely feels dangerous and unknown. My partner passed away unexpectedly in his sleep. There was no word of warning. He had no major health issues. He was athletic. And then in an instant, he was gone. I had to sleep with the lights on for a week because I was scared. I didn't know what I was scared of....maybe the fact that life could be so horribly cruel and unpredictable. As the days progressed, I turned off one or two lights before bed and then one more the next night and so on until I was at ease to lie in the darkness. That time is so etched in my mind. But my fears did lessen eventually. 

[I miss you so much]

On 8/10/2023 at 4:58 PM, CourtH said:

Did anyone else develop anxiety and fears they never had? I feel I am scared of everything, the idea of going back to work, driving my car, going out in public. Anxieties  I can’t even begin to explain because I can’t explain them to myself. They are just there. There is no way to live like this from now on. 

Sometimes I feel a mix of anxiety and panic. Because his mesmerizing blue eyes, his tender smile, the softness of his skin, all of his body is spoiled, rotted.

Also, the fact of being alone in the world. Really alone. Lately, I've thought about this to be similar to  being a child waiting for his/her parents to come and pick him/her up after school, but they don't come and as the time passes, this anxiety and fear grows. And the despair.

Maybe because all the other things that have happened, I feel very insecure, totally out of place.

I feel I'm living in a sort of nightmare, an existence with no sense.

I had never felt this way before.

[CourtH]

30 minutes ago, I miss you so much said:

Sometimes I feel a mix of anxiety and panic. Because his mesmerizing blue eyes, his tender smile, the softness of his skin, all of his body is spoiled, rotted.

Also, the fact of being alone in the world. Really alone. Lately, I've thought about this to be similar to  being a child waiting for his/her parents to come and pick him/her up after school, but they don't come and as the time passes, this anxiety and fear grows. And the despair.

Maybe because all the other things that have happened, I feel very insecure, totally out of place.

I feel I'm living in a sort of nightmare, an existence with no sense.

I had never felt this way before.

Everything you said makes sense. I too had a person with the same blue eyes and a smile that lit up a room. This is a nightmare that we can’t escape. The silence is deafening. The stillness rushes me like waves of the ocean during a storm. My safety is gone. I am now vulnerable as I’m sure you feel the same 

[KayC]

1 minute ago, CourtH said:

I too had a person with the same blue eyes and a smile that lit up a room.

Me too..

[Missing Vin]

I am so sorry to commiserate over such similar and agonizing pain.  I lost my husband of 11 years a little less than a month ago.  He was diagnosed with stomach cancer and passed away 3 weeks later, the day after his 51st birthday.  He was my best friend who I could always count on to keep me safe.  Now I am 40 years old looking at the prospect of doing this alone for the rest of my life.  My best suggestion is to try meditation via Wysa or Insight timer.  I have bipolar disorder so I understand how frightening depression and anxiety can be, especially if you never experienced them prior to losing your partner.  Other people's suggestions regarding researching medications and to get grief counseling are also great advice.  I have taken Buspar, Wellbutrin and Zoloft to manage my depression and anxiety for the past 10 years with great success.  It's helping to keep me from spiraling out of control.  This is a nightmare that no one wants to experience, but I promise that meditation and exercise can be game changing, in addition to meditation and therapy.  I started both prior to this loss, and they have helped me feel a little less out of control.   I also got a kitten and she has kept me from staying in bed all day crying.  I eat when I feed her, and taking care of her is giving me purpose.  I hope this message gives you some hope.

[KayC]

Welcome here!  My husband died five days after his 51st birthday, that was 18 years ago, totally unexpected.  I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post.  It helps to process our grief.

I'm on Buspirone for life, also Trazodone lowest dose to sleep.   I'm glad you do meditation, I do that and some breathing exercises to help my BP.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

Missing Vin:  Welcome to our board! We on this board are all sorry for your loss. It sounds like you've been practicing a lot of self help since you've lost your husband. Even more impressive is the fact that you've done so soon after he passed away. For some of us, it takes a lot longer. We encourage you to continue to post here. There are lots of caring, sympathetic people here.

[Griefsucks810]

On 8/7/2023 at 5:28 PM, CourtH said:

Hello! I can’t believe my life has brought me to grieving support groups such as this. I lost the love of my life on July 5th 2023. He passed from a motorcycle accident. He was 51 years old. I was awoken at 1am with the hwy patrol banging on the door to tell me what happened. Since that day I have developed all kids of fears, anxieties, you name it. I and still numb. This pain is unbearable. I have yet to return to work as I can barley talk without breaking down. I just need this grief to loosen its grip so I can begin to heal. He is a grip so tight that I can’t breathe. I have been seeing my doctor and I have started counseling, but some days it feels like I’m starting at day one of this. This is a lonely, paralyzing, crippling feeling. I hope anyone can offer some encouragement and that one day I will see light in this darkness. 

My condolences to you for the loss of your husband.  I also suffer with extreme social anxiety, major depressive disorder, having constant fears of life, and PTSD all of which manifested from my husband passing away 4 years ago.  I have a therapist who I talk to every two weeks and I have a psychiatrist who dispenses me antidepressants, a mood stabilizer, and a sleep aid all of which should alleviate and manage the depressive and anxious feelings I experience on a daily basis.  I still hold onto hope that one day I’ll be able to live a healthy and happy life for myself and be part of society again; and be free mentally and emotionally from the grips of my anxiety, depression, ptsd and my fears all of which have a negative effect on my quality of life and my mindset for the last 4 years. I’m tired of living in constant misery and isolation and having no motivation to do anything productive to improve the quality of my life. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel I just don’t see it yet