Isolation, avoiding small talk, etc

[DWS]

I continually struggle with an un-desire to attend any social events or large gatherings. Staying home and busying myself with DIY projects feels right for now despite nagging feelings of loneliness and emptiness. Most of my avoidance is having no tolerance for mundane small talk and, instead, a greater need for deeper dialogue so I was quite delighted to find this short video from Dr. Joanne Cacciatore on this topic. What she mentions here is quite intriguing and spot-on to the thoughts going on in my confused, sad little mind. For us grievers, we really do experience this strange place between the world of the living and the world of the dead. I hadn't looked at it quite that way before. Society wants/demands that we get on with things and that we move on from this place but grief seems to summon us to linger there for a while. 

 

 

[shawnt]

I agree,but I have always had a low tolerance for complainers and self absorbed selfishness. I think most people are looking for that deeper connection and meaning, the trick is to find your people and then your person. For us, we have lost ours and everything else seems sub standard and hollow. The fact that we feel this way probably means we are not ready to share that with anyone , I hope the final word to that is yet, but I am not to the other side(yet?) So it is only a hope.

[DWS]

17 hours ago, shawnt said:

For us, we have lost ours and everything else seems sub standard and hollow. 

That's so true and it presents a real challenge going forward in regards to socializing and re-integrating with the rest of the world. I mean who wants to bear a feeling that they're sub-standard just because they're not my partner??!! This is crazy stuff but all part of this dark, difficult experience. 

[shawnt]

It took half my life to find my partner and soul mate, and all my life to gather my friends . I think expecting someone to appear when I am so broken is nieve, I have to work on me, just like before. Learn to be happy alone and carry on down this road knowing I will always miss her. 

[KayC]

7 minutes ago, shawnt said:

It took half my life to find my partner and soul mate, and all my life to gather my friends . I think expecting someone to appear when I am so broken is nieve, I have to work on me, just like before. Learn to be happy alone and carry on down this road knowing I will always miss her. 

This deserves to be framed.

[widower2]

On 8/8/2023 at 7:22 AM, DWS said:

That's so true and it presents a real challenge going forward in regards to socializing and re-integrating with the rest of the world. I mean who wants to bear a feeling that they're sub-standard just because they're not my partner??!! 

I hear you, but it's an imperfect world, so I think we have to adjust accordingly...and as always, the devil's in the details. I think the older one is generally, the less inclined they are to consider another relationship, but it's never too late to consider on some level IMO. I haven't been able to bring myself to date again, but I will say being with someone I like, even though they fall short of my beloved, would beat the living hell out of being alone, even if I was more "platonic" vs romantic. 

[KayC]

And at our age many are impotent and sex is but a memory.  But one can cuddle at any age and enjoy another's company and companionship.  I think it'd take an act of God to hook me up with someone...I tried when I was young and omg I learned my lessons!  Nope!  I had the best and just leave it at that.  Besides, who would want an old lady on Keto that goes to bed at 7 pm?!

[shawnt]

19 minutes ago, KayC said:

 

I can't imagine falling in love now, but the idea that I will always be alone is not bearable. Of course as we get older it won't be like when we were young, but those of us who were with someone a long time learned there was a sweetness and delight growing old together.I think that part bothers me a lot, the loss of how she saw me and remembered my muscles (and hair) and loved me for who I was and who I became . It scares me to think I will have to go thru what she did but I have to do it alone.

I miss my partner, lover and best friend and sometimes I don't know how I will go on.

Edited August 10, 2023 by shawnt
Miskey

[Sheilz]

On 8/10/2023 at 7:27 AM, shawnt said:

I can't imagine falling in love now, but the idea that I will always be alone is not bearable. Of course as we get older it won't be like when we were young, but those of us who were with someone a long time learned there was a sweetness and delight growing old together.I think that part bothers me a lot, the loss of how she saw me and remembered my muscles (and hair) and loved me for who I was and who I became . It scares me to think I will have to go thru what she did but I have to do it alone.

I miss my partner, lover and best friend and sometimes I don't know how I will go on.

Exactly.... and my heart breaks every day over what is lost to me.  The sweetness of growing old together.... someone loving us unconditionally for what we have became and yet, remembering us for what we were.  Being alone to go through life's hardships that will ultimately come scares me too.  And I miss my partner, lover and best friend and always don't know how I will go on.

On 8/7/2023 at 11:34 AM, DWS said:

I continually struggle with an un-desire to attend any social events or large gatherings.

I also struggle with an un-desire to attend social events.  But yet I complain to myself that I am so lonely.  It's a walking contradiction for sure.  But I hate going out & coming home to an empty house.  I hate wanting to discuss the event with my husband..... who said what, who wore what & who I had good conversation with or seen a beautiful site.  To tell no one hurts a lot.  It's one part of this loss that is tough to get through.  I don't think I will ever ever get through this.  The sorrow is just too painful.  It seems that every aspect of life hurts now.

[RichS]

On 8/10/2023 at 7:08 AM, KayC said:

I think it'd take an act of God to hook me up with someone. Nope!  I had the best and just leave it at that. 

Yeah, if God wants me to meet someone, he will. He doesn't ask me, though. No one could replace Chris; and I know myself. I could never dedicate myself to mentally committing  to it; always looking into the rear-view mirror of the past with her. That wouldn't be fair to the other person.

Left up to me, I'd rather spend my time with family, friends and my hobby. Besides, who would want an old guy with sciatica, and bad knee who watches baseball games every night and has TWO ROOMS in his house cluttered with sports cards. What a catch, ladies!

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I also struggle with an un-desire to attend social events.  But yet I complain to myself that I am so lonely.  It's a walking contradiction for sure. 

It really is a catch-22 situation for us grievers. There is the continual missing of our person...the missing of the person who knew us through and through...and the loneliness and emptiness of a world that now can't stack up to anything that feels right. I know, for myself, I still have to push myself to go to anything that has more than a couple of people...dragging my feet to anything social. None of it appeals to my heart. All I can do is hope and trust that eventually the outside world will appeal more to my broken heart over the isolation and loneliness. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Sheilz said:

It's a walking contradiction for sure. 

For sure.  I find myself in the same situation as I age, only with me I love being home with my Kodie in our sanctuary. Doesn't matter the carpet is worn out, the back of the carport needs replaced and we have fires/smoke...I love my nest, here where George and I lived, even though it feels a million years ago.

1 hour ago, RichS said:

Besides, who would want an old guy with sciatica, and bad knee who watches baseball games every night and has TWO ROOMS in his house cluttered with sports cards. What a catch, ladies!

Sounds like what I said about myself yesterday!

7 minutes ago, DWS said:

None of it appeals to my heart.

I'm wondering do you have any nature nearby you could walk in?  I find that restorative.

[DWS]

7 minutes ago, KayC said:

I'm wondering do you have any nature nearby you could walk in?  I find that restorative.

My backyard and gardens provide some wonders of nature so that does help although it's a sanctuary of solitude. There are walking trails near me that wind along the river but those are so familiar because of the many many walks with Tom at my side. I have yet to do them alone. It doesn't help that things in my city's core where I live have become a bit more risky with the increasing homelessness and desperation around. Tom and I encountered a few moments on our walks over the years where we needed to avoid confrontations. Sadly, the situation has only gotten worse since he's been gone. 

[KayC]

I understand. 

[Jemiga70]

I can't bear small talk.  I can't stand socializing 'cause socializing usually involves pointless small talk and I've no interest in it.  It takes all my effort to fake anything.  I work remotely so I can be a hermit all I want.  The more I interact with people the more I like my cat.  I like my own company.  Most people aren't worth getting to know.  And .... what could they possibly offer me given that my world has been shattered?

I'm thankful for the longtime close friends I do have and for this forum where I can spew without feeling judged.

[RichS]

4 minutes ago, Jemiga70 said:

I'm thankful for the longtime close friends I do have and for this forum where I can spew without feeling judged.

And you have friends here as well...............................

[widower2]

3 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

 The more I interact with people the more I like my cat. 

You may not have meant for it, but I had to laugh when I read that. Thanks for that  

[widower2]

 

On 8/11/2023 at 10:40 AM, RichS said:

Besides, who would want an old guy with sciatica

You take that back!!

...oh wait you were talking about yourself, nm...

Seriously, don't sell yourself short. Don't get me wrong; if you're content with your social life as is, great! Go with what works. But IMO someone doesn't have to be on par with our lost love (how could they?) to be worth our time. It's not an all-or-nothing deal. FWIW.

[DWS]

11 hours ago, widower2 said:

But IMO someone doesn't have to be on par with our lost love (how could they?) to be worth our time. It's not an all-or-nothing deal. FWIW.

Sadly, it's getting to that place that becomes the real challenge. Early on, there is the hard acceptance of the death but then comes the greater challenge of accepting our world without them here. This becomes a long road for us...basically going from point A to point B. Along this journey, we have to put up with those who don't quite get us. We may have to acquaint others in our lives to our uniqueness...perhaps some peculiarities and oddities that only our partners and spouses understood. We have to put up with people telling us how they would do this. We also eventually learn to stifle our grief because others grow tired of hearing about it. All of this makes isolation so much more appealing.

But then I think of the words in that Monk episode that I posted about a while back where Monk's mother-in-law, in reference to the death of her daughter, said that "two and a half years later, I decided to give the world another chance". I think this is the road where many of us wander. I know it's mine.