It's so complicated

[All_The_Feels]

My Dad died a week ago. He was on hospice for a short period of time, and had lived in a nursing home for a few years. He made it to 89! The thing is, our relationship was a difficult one. He lacked empathy, he did not freely give love, and I am not sure, but he might have even abused me at one point. Certainly, he was pretty consistently emotionally abusive, and never the dad that I hoped he would be. Still, there were times he provided support, although it didn't seem to come without shame of some type. Which is where I get to the next part...My feelings since he died have been so damn mixed up and complicated. I am trying hard to be gentle with myself, but I am struggling. I also feel anticipatory grief about my mom, who is elderly and also in a nursing home. Can anybody else relate? Thanks, in advance, for any responses. This is definitely very isolating and lonely.

[Traz]

I'm sorry for what you are going through and I can relate a bit. When the relationship is complex or there's abusive behaviour involved, you go through an incredibly difficult process. 

My own experience was with my mom. She was not your warm and fuzzy type, could say or do very mean things and was emotionally remote when we were kids. (to my siblings and me)

But then again, as she aged she mellowed. She was great with the grandchildren. She softened but the damage remained - in her own life and us, her children. She suffered severe physical and sexual abuse as a child. Had to testify against her own father in court. Really bad stuff. 

What helped me, was realizing my mother was deeply damaged from her own unresolved, untreated trauma. I was able to forgive her and that went a long way to helping me in my grief. Then I kind of had a secondary grief over her life and what she didn't get to experience as a result of her early life. 

I would really encourage you to seek some therapy or counselling, to help you sort through the complexity of your grief. It has only been a week, so give yourself some time. I understand how difficult it is. Although our circumstances are different, some things resonate.  Complex grief can really mess you up.  But there is help here and probably in your community.  

I am thinking of you and sending a virtual hug. Xo 

[All_The_Feels]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind response. I am sorry your mom had such a difficult and painful upbringing, and that this impacted your relationship with her. I have definitely reflected on how my Dad's many hardships growing up did not set him up to be the most loving and understanding parent. I think that mostly, he also did the best he could in raising us, given how much he suffered, especially in his first 13-14 years of life. 

I will definitely consider counseling, and agree that this is going to take some time to sort through. I really appreciate your kindness and understanding! 

[Traz]

You are most welcome and I wish you peace going forward. We can't change the past and what happened to our parent or us, but we can learn from it. It takes courage and time to heal deep wounds. ♡

[tessa]

Hi, I'm sorry for your loss.
People from the older generation were a lot less ......... I don't know how to describe it but back then, people didn't show their emotions like they do now.
Men didn't cry, they didn't tell each other they loved them. It was like they were emotionally retarded .
It wasn't until the flower power children who are now in their 70's that showing emotions became the in-thing.
My parents never told me they loved me. They never hugged me. It's not that they didn't love me, that generation just didn't show it.
The way they showed their love was in providing for us. They grew up in war times. Those were emotionally harder times.
I don't know if this applies to your situation, just a thought I had.
That generation was about getting ahead in life, financially security, re-building after WWII. This new generation is about mental health.