I’m not ready to lose my grandmother. After a recent conversation this is all I can think about.

[702CVICU]

We just celebrated her 90th birthday. My grandmother is everything to me. I have a great relationship with my mother but granny was always my best friend. She and I have many fond memories together and everything I am today is because of her love and her believing in me and supporting me. I am a resident physician at a county medical center in Las Vegas. She lives with my aunt in Pismo beach. I see her every chance I get but it feels like it isn’t enough. I know with the career I’ve chosen I should be much more understanding and tolerant of death but in this case I just can’t. My grandma has always been a little dramatic. As we say she’s “been dying for years if you ask her but actually she’s in great health” and she is. For her age she is quite healthy from what she’s shared with me. My cousin is a DO in California and has been given more access to her medical records than me(I fear my grandmother is trying to protect me from discovering something) a recent phone call with her has left me unable to sleep. She was saying her goodbyes to me and telling me this time she doesn’t think she’s going to pull through. She’s had heart trouble as of late. Again she’s usually dramatic but this time felt different. I tried to make light of the situation with her and she laughed with me but it was eating me up inside. I burst into tears after I hung the phone up. I feel guilty for not taking her concerns more seriously and trying to protect myself with humor. I do not want her to hear my cry. I dont know what to do. I want to drop everything and go be out there with her but I can’t. I’d never forgive myself if work caused me to miss my chance to say goodbye to her.  Our talk today she sounded much better but I cannot get her saying her goodbyes out of my head. 

[Traz]

Hi 702CVICU,

How wonderful that you have a grandmother who is like a best friend and mentor. I had grandparents on both sides that I barely remember, so I love hearing stories about people who still have theirs.  

It's completely understandable that you'd be upset with her recent phone call. My husband's mom is 91 and we look at every day as a blessing. Things with the very elderly are precarious and can go downhill very quickly. You have probably seen this in your professional practice. Perhaps your grandmother has some insight into her physical condition and wanted to 'cover her bases' so to speak, incase she passed suddenly. 

I understand her saying that, kind of makes the concept more real now. It's something that we all don't want to face with the people we love and cherish. What you can do right now is tell your beloved grandmother everything. Tell her what a blessing she has been to you throughout your life. Tell her how much she is loved by you. Tell her about your favorite memory with her. Saying these things now will go a long way, should anything happen. Nothing will be left unsaid. I wasn't there when my mother passed away, but I told her all of the things that mattered, leading up to it. Many, many lives transition without loved ones being there. The love is all that matters. Make the most of these precious times and have these conversations. There will be tears. And it's okay. 

Thinking of you,

Traz