The Quiet

[goldberry]

I have always been a person that liked and sought out alone time and quiet.  But with my husband's death, those two things have taken on a new and mostly sad meaning.  I wonder what you all do to cope with the quiet in your house especially?  I look forward to a day when being alone feels good to me again and I can revel in the silence.  I still enjoy silence in the woods and sometimes it's okay at home, but it feels so big and empty now because I am not choosing it.  Others thoughts?

[KayC]

I crave solitude now, whereas I never did before, although I was used to being alone at times past in my life.  I would take George back in a heartbeat if given the choice though.

[KayC]

Kodie is great company...yesterday I tried him at church (service dog) even though I'm on the platform, he was great, just laid down like he was supposed to.

[shawnt]

That's the new challenge in life for me, being alone without being lonely.

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, shawnt said:

That's the new challenge in life for me, being alone without being lonely.

Ditto. And the truth is I'm not doing well with that challenge.

[Gail 8588]

After my husband died, the house was too quiet, especially at bedtime.  Our dog had always slept in his crate in the kitchen, usually with the crate door open. 

After John died I bought a dog bed and brought our old beagle upstairs to my bedroom and closed the door so he couldn't escape.  The sound of that old beagle snoring was music to my ears.  (My husband was a snorer.)

During the day, I had to have a TV or radio on all the time, just for background noise.

Coming home to a quiet empty house is really hard. 

Gail

[KayC]

Gail, I'm glad you found comfort with your dog.  We do what feels best to us. I sleep on our loveseat recliner and have always had my pets nearby...Kitty used to sleep on the other side of the loveseat, now Kodie does.  It helps us to not be so alone.

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

During the day, I had to have a TV or radio on all the time, just for background noise.

Ditto. I still do most of the time. It’s not that I can’t stand silence, but now it’s heavy, rather than comfortable the way it was when John and I were together. Plus I have tinnitus and sometimes that’s too much for my sanity (such as it is).

Now that I have Cosi, I do have a living, breathing, challenging, loving presence. She helps fill the empty space . I talk to her, though sometimes I can feel her feline mind thinking, “Sure, whatever you say, mom. How about an extra treat?” And that’s okay too.

[Boggled]

In the beginning the silence was horrifying, I tried music, but the best I could do and the only music that seemed to help was "Goldberg Variations," by Bach.  It's very unemotional music imho.  I played it over and over on a google speaker that would carry on with similar music after the (quite lengthy) Goldberg Variations would finally play out.  I found one more song that helped, "The Counterclockwise Circle Dance," by Sacred Spirit.   I actually would run around counterclockwise in the front room.  

Now, nearly 15 months later, I go out on either our front or back deck and look at the grass and trees and smoke part of a cigarette.  My husband and I used to do this together a lot.  Now I do this when something triggers the emotions and I need to calm down.  

I've gotten used to the silence.  In the beginning, first few days, I felt a strong sadness that seemed to be coming from my husband.  So I turned on the TV (I don't watch TV, but he did all the time), at 6:00 pm.  I've carried that on every night ... have to watch the news for an hour until "Star Trek" comes on ... but hallelujah for our local TV station that plays "Star Trek" all night till I go to bed ... I LOVE the Star Trek Voyager theme song!  It's my theme song for Steve.  

[Nancy2]

You live in the Ozarks.  That might be a beautiful place to take walks if you are able.  When I get overwhelmed with sadness, I take a walk or go out to drink Cappucino somewhere and read a book.  I take short walks sometimes several times a day.  I have to get out of the house.  I have a hard time being here without him.  People say it is comforting being in the house of their loved one.  Well, I wouldn't go that far, but for now I feel that I am honoring him by staying in our house.  How long I want to do it, I don't know.  I take life one day at a time now.  I have been traveling a lot while I am still able and that helps me too.  

[widower2]

My TV is on all day. I listen to music on my PC as well off and on while doing whatever. Working in the yard helps too, just to get out of the house and get some sun/fresh air and be doing something, anything. Keeping my hours occupied with something I'm interested or sometimes even enjoy (God forbid!) is the challenge, esp as I think most TV today is utter garbage and so don't even have cable. This is esp harder in the winter since the days are shorter (I hate nighttime) and going outside isn't an option as much

[KayC]

Coming here and my diabetic group, walking Kodie, taking him to his play dates, those are my schedule along with housework, cooking, picking up limbs, it keeps me busy between that, church, and Bible Study...and the very rare friend date (usually Iris).  It helps.  I have Dish and rarely watch the programming, I have certain things I record, that's it, often Seinfeld or Everybody Loves Raymond reruns...too bad I've seen them all.  I agree, most is garbage, but Kodie and I like to lay down for an hour or two together after dinner and cuddle and watch together, also Inside Edition.  Gave up on news.  I like recording because you can fast forward anything you don't want to see and watch it in your own time.

[Gail 8588]

I have the TV on a lot of the day and evening, without actually watching it, just for the illusion of hearing people talk in the house. Mostly it's Midsomer Murders.  A lot of male voice dialog. I find the main character's voices quite calming.  I ignore the occasional shrieks that come with the discovery of each victim. I have seen/heard all the episodes so many times I recognize the whole story in the first 2 minutes. 

I wonder if there really are villages in England where life is as depicted in this series (aside from the  constant murders).  I've seen the series so much that I have people I like and don't like in every village.🙂

[Nancy2]

Hi Gail,  I have watched all of the Midsomer Murders too.  I also like Father Brown and am watching British psychological thrillers.  Not sure if you would like those, but you might.  Pretty sure you would like Father Brown.

[foreverhis]

On 8/31/2023 at 10:07 AM, Gail 8588 said:

I have the TV on a lot of the day and evening, without actually watching it, just for the illusion of hearing people talk in the house. Mostly it's Midsomer Murders.  A lot of male voice dialog. I find the main character's voices quite calming.  I ignore the occasional shrieks that come with the discovery of each victim. I have seen/heard all the episodes so many times I recognize the whole story in the first 2 minutes. 

Several friends had recommended Midsomer Murders, so I finally started from the beginning in early January.  I finished through Season 23 in July.  I agree that the characters' voices, the way the stories are put together, and the overall tone is calming.  I've enjoyed both Barnabys and all the Sergeants.  I confess that Ben Jones will always be my favorite.  I love the character and the way Jason Hughes portrays him.

I'm a huge fan of shows, particularly mysteries, murder mysteries, and dramas, from England, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia.  I have both Acorn and Britbox, along with a few other streaming services.  In the evenings, I put on "old favorites" as background for exactly the same reasons you do.

On 8/31/2023 at 11:42 AM, Nancy2 said:

Hi Gail,  I have watched all of the Midsomer Murders too.  I also like Father Brown and am watching British psychological thrillers.  Not sure if you would like those, but you might.  Pretty sure you would like Father Brown.

Me too.  Have you watched Sister Boniface?  I am quite enjoying it.  I put together a list of "must see" shows for a friend who subscribed to Acorn and Britbox last year.  She's been thrilled.  And the beauty of having so many options is that if I try something and dislike it, I can just move on to something else.

It took quite a while to be able to watch new shows and be able to focus long enough to retain the plots.  Same thing with reading.  I have always been a voracious reader, but didn't get through even one novel my first year.  Even now, I read much less than I did before.

[Nancy2]

34 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Several friends had recommended Midsomer Murders, so I finally started from the beginning in early January.  I finished through Season 23 in July.  I agree that the characters' voices, the way the stories are put together, and the overall tone is calming.  I've enjoyed both Barnabys and all the Sergeants.  I confess that Ben Jones will always be my favorite.  I love the character and the way Jason Hughes portrays him.

I'm a huge fan of shows, particularly mysteries, murder mysteries, and dramas, from England, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia.  I have both Acorn and Britbox, along with a few other streaming services.  In the evenings, I put on "old favorites" as background for exactly the same reasons you do.

Me too.  Have you watched Sister Boniface?  I am quite enjoying it.  I put together a list of "must see" shows for a friend who subscribed to Acorn and Britbox last year.  She's been thrilled.  And the beauty of having so many options is that if I try something and dislike it, I can just move on to something else.

It took quite a while to be able to watch new shows and be able to focus long enough to retain the plots.  Same thing with reading.  I have always been a voracious reader, but didn't get through even one novel my first year.  Even now, I read much less than I did before.

Never heard of Sister Boniface.  I will see if I can get it.  I should get Britbox.  Just watching British shows on Netflix.  Reading helps me escape and calm down.

[foreverhis]

31 minutes ago, Nancy2 said:

Never heard of Sister Boniface.  I will see if I can get it.  I should get Britbox.  Just watching British shows on Netflix.  Reading helps me escape and calm down.

It's a Britbox original and only available there for now.  I highly recommend both Britbox and Acorn.  If you decide to subscribe to either, it's best to not go through Prime (if you have that), but go with the individual yearly subscription because you pay for 10 months and get 2 months "free" versus a monthly subscription.  I think Britbox is having a promo for new customers right now.  The regular yearly fee just went up to $90.  Acorn's yearly fee is $70.  Both are so very worth it to me.  Some excellent shows, mini series, and movies, both old and new.

I should probably mention that I cancelled cable 3 years ago.  It was absurdly expensive for the content available.  I made a list of the streaming services I had, then added two that would cover pretty much everything else I'd also want to watch.  I'm saving nearly $100/month and do not miss cable at all.  I also downloaded a few free streaming apps that have commercials.  Those have been good to have too.

[MariePaul]

On 7/30/2023 at 8:00 PM, goldberry said:

I have always been a person that liked and sought out alone time and quiet.  But with my husband's death, those two things have taken on a new and mostly sad meaning.  I wonder what you all do to cope with the quiet in your house especially?  I look forward to a day when being alone feels good to me again and I can revel in the silence.  I still enjoy silence in the woods and sometimes it's okay at home, but it feels so big and empty now because I am not choosing it.  Others thoughts?

This exactly my situation too. I hope it gets better. 🥺

[KayC]

It will, our grief evolves with time.  I like being alone, I just don't like missing George to share it with...

[Boggled]

On 9/1/2023 at 7:10 PM, Nancy2 said:

Reading helps me escape and calm down.

me too.  I buy used books (cheaper!) so have quite a lot of books I've stored in the house.  We have a bookcase that my husband got a carpenter to build that takes up a whole wall in the living room.  Plus a couple more tall-ish bookcases I set up in a bedroom.  Lately I've been re-reading the whole Janet Evanovich - Stephanie Plum set of novels that I have from One to Twenty.  I immerse in novels.  It's a lifelong habit that carried on through our marriage, and I didn't lose it even with my husband's death.  But, throughout the 20 years we were together, my husband was the TV-watcher, while he watched TV I'd go read a book.  But reading books is SILENT.  I turn on the TV at 6:00 p.m. "for him."  But I have noticed that just having the sound of the TV, (and probably imagining he's here watching it) is pleasant.  The sound of voices, going into the room where the TV is, the sight of people interacting (on TV) is just plain nice, and pleasant.  But I still don't watch it enough to catch the plots.  hahahaha!  I DO watch enough of the ongoing "Star Trek" to finally, finally, recognize the characters.   (Data is an android!  how 'bout dat?  hahahaha!)  Man.

[KayC]

I know, I can't get into tv, or books anymore, I used to, I just can't anymore.  I turn on the tv after dinner, nothing ever on...

[Nancy2]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

me too.  I buy used books (cheaper!) so have quite a lot of books I've stored in the house.  We have a bookcase that my husband got a carpenter to build that takes up a whole wall in the living room.  Plus a couple more tall-ish bookcases I set up in a bedroom.  Lately I've been re-reading the whole Janet Evanovich - Stephanie Plum set of novels that I have from One to Twenty.  I immerse in novels.  It's a lifelong habit that carried on through our marriage, and I didn't lose it even with my husband's death.  But, throughout the 20 years we were together, my husband was the TV-watcher, while he watched TV I'd go read a book.  But reading books is SILENT.  I turn on the TV at 6:00 p.m. "for him."  But I have noticed that just having the sound of the TV, (and probably imagining he's here watching it) is pleasant.  The sound of voices, going into the room where the TV is, the sight of people interacting (on TV) is just plain nice, and pleasant.  But I still don't watch it enough to catch the plots.  hahahaha!  I DO watch enough of the ongoing "Star Trek" to finally, finally, recognize the characters.   (Data is an android!  how 'bout dat?  hahahaha!)  Man.

We had a carpenter build a bookshelf that covers an entire wall also.  He did a beautiful job.  But last December I got a Kindle, and I love it!!!  I used to think I could only read a book and never a Kindle.  Now I think the reverse.  I am not a TV watcher either.  I have never been one, but yes, my husband liked TV too.  However, for the last couple of years I have been watching psychological thrillers and enjoy them.  I watch TV one or two hours a day and wish I could watch more.  I don't leave the TV on all day or night like some people do.  I only turn it on when I am watching it.  I just finished watching Dark on Netflix about time travel, and it gets philosophical about death, which I like because I have always struggled with it.  Now that my husband is gone I am more accepting of death, not as frightened anymore, and not trying to fight it like I used to because you cannot beat it.

[Gail 8588]

I often have the TV on, just to have voices in the house.  I usually put it on Midsomer Murders.  A lot of calm male dialogue.  It is pleasing to my ear.   I don't feel the need to watch it, as I have seen all the episodes and you know from the beginning that Barnaby will catch the bad guy. 

It's really just to chase away the silence. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I often have the TV on, just to have voices in the house.  I usually put it on Midsomer Murders.  A lot of calm male dialogue.  It is pleasing to my ear.   I don't feel the need to watch it, as I have seen all the episodes and you know from the beginning that Barnaby will catch the bad guy. 

It's really just to chase away the silence. 

Gail

The last week or so, Midsomer has been my go-to late night background show as well.  I'm a big fan of Jason Hughes and how he portrayed Ben Jones, so I've mostly put on those seasons.  Other good late night shows for me are Death in Paradise, Inspector Lewis, The Doctor Blake Mysteries, Father Brown, and Unforgotten.  There are others, but those come to mind off the top of my head.

[Boggled]

22 hours ago, Nancy2 said:

But last December I got a Kindle, and I love it!!!  I used to think I could only read a book and never a Kindle.  Now I think the reverse.

I'd bought one of those Amazon tablets on some kind of deal.  I guess I should find it and try reading on it.  

What about "blue light?"  and it's supposed to be bad for your eyes?  Just one of those things I've read and don't really understand, but just makes you leery.  For years, I've said "I just like reading a paper book better," so far, we still have electricity.  If we have some solar panels and one of those engines that make solar energy available, I s'pose it would be enough for a small tablet.  I'm happy to have a lot of free reliable escape/entertainment in the form of paper books, though.  Some of them quite old.  The old books from another age bear the imprint of the thinking of that age on them;  in early grief I read a book I'd bought at garage sale by Booth Tarkington, Penrod and Sam, just charming.  Old age charming.  It was helpful.

[KayC]

One of the most delightful sets I've read is Jan Karon's the Mitford Series (Father Tim).  Excellent books, you don't want to put them down!

[foreverhis]

On 11/15/2023 at 6:45 AM, Boggled said:

What about "blue light?"  and it's supposed to be bad for your eyes?  Just one of those things I've read and don't really understand, but just makes you leery.

It's true, at night.  The blue spectrum in nature helps suppress our melatonin levels so we don't fall asleep.  Computers, tablets, phones, e-readers, LED/LCD TVs all put out that same spectrum of blue light.  If we use any screens late at night, the blue light emitted acts like natural blue light and keeps our bodies from producing enough melatonin to keep our bodies in a natural seratonin-melatonin cycle.

There are many ways to combat this.  For the past decade, most smart phones, computer screens, laptops, tablets, and probably even e-readers have built in filters that users can set to reduce blue light at night.  For example, the laptop I'm on now is set to go to my selected level of blue light blocking starting between 6 and 8 pm, depending on the time of year.  As well, prescription glasses can be made with blue light blocking coating.  My computer glasses (bifocals so I can see the computer and the TV) have that built in.  I just picked up a new pair of regular bifocals today from Costco Optical (had to switch because of my insurance; the opticians at our local store are excellent).  Costco includes anti-glare and moderate blue light blocking coatings at no extra charge--I've been paying extra for 20 years.  It's a barely perceptible shift in the overall spectrum, but definitely reduces eye strain.  I actually like my computer glasses with the blocker no matter the time of day because they help prevent eye fatigue.  That "sharp" blue tone of LEDs and LCDs on screens is softened to a warmer tone like the difference between "bright white" and "soft white" light bulbs.

For people who don't wear prescriptions glasses, there are many options of blue light blocking glasses  available.  Some make screens look basically orange (yuck) to block all blue light.  A few of my friends use moderate level glasses that block enough blue light, but not so much that the picture looks "off."

That's probably far more than you wanted to know, so thus endeth the blue light lecture.

[widower2]

On 11/14/2023 at 10:13 AM, KayC said:

I know, I can't get into tv, or books anymore, I used to, I just can't anymore.  I turn on the tv after dinner, nothing ever on...

I hate how little I read now. I just don't have the patience for it. About the only TV I watch is football the fall/winter and the occasional re-run of shows I liked or non-fiction shows like cooking shows, travel shows, etc. I like documentaries a lot too, like biographies, science shows, etc, but for that I have to go to Youtube. I miss the Biography Channel and when the History Channel was about more than aliens and WW II.  

[KayC]

5 hours ago, widower2 said:

I hate how little I read now. I just don't have the patience for it.

You and me both, I haven't read since Arlie died.

5 hours ago, widower2 said:

I miss the Biography Channel and when the History Channel was about more than aliens and WW II.  

It seems they take away the channels we like and we don't realize until they're gone.

[Boggled]

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

There are many ways to combat this.  For the past decade, most smart phones, computer screens, laptops, tablets, and probably even e-readers have built in filters that users can set to reduce blue light at night.  For example, the laptop I'm on now is set to go to my selected level of blue light blocking between 6 and 8 pm, depending on the time of year. 

well the tablet I'd bought only a couple years ago probably has that option then.  I guess I ought to look for it ...  really, thanks, foreverhis, you reminded me why blue light is ... well, I'd just give it the appellation:  "bad."  

well, another explanation I'd like to have, and this is basic and shows how much I watch on the 'net:  how come youtube keeps asking if you want an account?  ???  I keep clicking "no," and just watch youtubes anyhoo.  ???

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

how come youtube keeps asking if you want an account?  ???

I checked and they don't charge for an account, I have one, I like saving videos to it.

[widower2]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

how come youtube keeps asking if you want an account?  ???  I keep clicking "no," and just watch youtubes anyhoo.  ???

Odd...it never asks me that, although occasionally I get a "do you want to join Youtube prime" or some such. 

[KayC]

 

[widower2]

I can save y'all the trouble: you don't.  But again there is some "YouTube Prime" (forget what it's called) that you can buy. 

[Gail 8588]

Boggled, like you I don't use a YouTube account. It is my understanding that if you create one, and then you log into it when you are watching YouTube, you will not be subjected to commercials (at all, or not as often, I am not sure.)

I put on various children's programming on YouTube when my grand kids are here and every so often there are commercials.  My son has told me if I just give the TV my You Tube account info I won't get those commercials. So far, I just tolerate the commercials. 

I just don't like registering with every business I deal with. Every store wants info on you and your email. I resist most of the time.  It's probably silly but I just don't like the feeling of being tracked constantly.   

[Boggled]

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It is my understanding that if you create one, and then you log into it when you are watching YouTube, you will not be subjected to commercials

aha.  also I think, if you have an account, you can leave reviews, but not without an account.

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I just don't like registering with every business I deal with. Every store wants info on you and your email. I resist most of the time.  It's probably silly but I just don't like the feeling of being tracked constantly.   

And everything wants you to "sync."  I agree with you completely, Gail 8588.  Unseen watchers ... yeah, just the thing to comply with.  hunh.

[DWS]

On 11/16/2023 at 10:51 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Boggled, like you I don't use a YouTube account. It is my understanding that if you create one, and then you log into it when you are watching YouTube, you will not be subjected to commercials (at all, or not as often, I am not sure.)

I wish! Getting a free Youtube account still results in their annoying ads which have gotten way out of hand on there unfortunately. I guess the poor dears who founded and invest in it just aren't making enough money to gas up their yachts or whatever. There are adblockers that techie people use to get around it but for the rest of us, we'd have to pay for a premium account which looks like is now $15 a month!

The advantage that I can see in having an account is to be able to like and comment on the videos , subscribe to various channels, create your own channel, and make playlists. Subscribing to three or four channels that focus on grief has been helpful to me during this awful time. I look forward to them when I get a notice that they've posted something new. 

 

[Boggled]

On 11/15/2023 at 9:17 AM, KayC said:

One of the most delightful sets I've read is Jan Karon's the Mitford Series (Father Tim).  Excellent books, you don't want to put them down!

Just checked our library's website ... they have them!  both in audio and paper!  Make a note, Self!  next time I go to the library ... 

BTW, a friend emailed about listening to audio books ... there's an app called "Libby" that lets you download audiobooks from libraries.  I haven't checked it out, don't know if you can download from more than local libraries, but probably.

and dunno if you-all are aware, "Father Brown" is a BOOK too, written by G. K. Chesterton, pretty durned good.  

[KayC]

I have 13 of them, not sure if there are more since I bought mine.

 

[foreverhis]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

I have 13 of them, not sure if there are more since I bought mine.

 

I just checked the Father Tim series. It says there are 14 books. Maybe there’s a new one for you.😀

I am quite fond of Father Andrew Greeley’s Father Blackie Ryan mysteries.  The mystery plots are not too heavy and Father Ryan is an absolute treasure.

 

[KayC]

I checked and have 14 so no new ones out there!