How to move on…

[Quick]

My Momma passed away June 19th 4 years ago.  6 months before her death, my mother in law passed away January 17th and 6 months before her death, my father in law passed away on June 18th. I was 21 when I experienced my first “real” loss when the father of my son took his own life in 1999. So I understand there is a process to grieving.
But after the death of my precious mother I have struggled with the very basics of everyday living.  I am on an antidepressant and I see my regular doctor a few times a year, but even with the medication I have a hard time just getting out of bed

I have no interest in anything anymore. I have no appetite and yet I continue to gain weight. I currently weigh more than I ever have. 
I don’t want to go anywhere not even the grocery store to feed my family that’s still here on this earth with me.  I feel like I have distanced myself from every thing and everyone. I actually feel disconnected from myself!! 
Do I try to search for the person I once was, full of life, always positive, always happy, always looking for the bright side of everything, or am I supposed to just try to reinvent myself? Im 47 years old and I get anxious, nervous and scared when I try to do something I use to love doing!!! 
I feel like I have no purpose anymore!!! I have a daughter who is in middle school and she is why I keep going!! 
am I just stuck in a rut and need change because when I try to get back out into the world, something stops me and the next thing I know is I’m back in the bed…. 

[KayC]

It is so hard when you have so many multiple losses.  I have had many, everyone but my kids and half my siblings, lost my husband 18 years ago, multiple pets, sisters, all parents, grandparents, my favorite cousin, friends, favorite aunts and uncles.  My heart goes out to you, I know what it is like. I'm on anti-anxiety meds (have GAD) as my anxiety came to a head after I lost my husband, three years later I started taking Buspar (Buspirone).  It's not an SSRI, I have had no side effects, have been on it 15 years, and it just takes the edge off so I can cope.

It took me probably ten years to find purpose, and I feel that was so important, that and having a schedule. I've walked in nature every day for over 35 years, that helps so much.  It also helps to find friends and get out around people now and then, do something fun just for you.  You are worth it. Be extra kind, gentle, understanding of yourself, the way those you lost were, as you now have to be that person you count on.  Take care of yourself, eat healthy, exercise, drink water, it all helps you be your best self which will show up tremendously in your journey.

I wish you the best as you continue going forward.  I'm so glad you have your daughter!  I miss my kids so much, they're long gone and grown.

Multiple Losses

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Quick]

Thank you for you words and your experiences.  I have a hard time talking about my true feelings to my people because I feel like they have heard it over and over again so I just keep it to myself. I tell myself everyday that I will do this and that but before I know it, it’s time to go to bed and I accomplished nothing. Then of course get down on myself again and just sleep!! 
The one thing that keeps playing in my head is that death is inevitable so what’s the point…

I can not stand thinking this way!!  I do NOT want my daughter to ever think this way….But even the biggest issues I come across if I can’t find a solution easily, I just say (and feel) what’s the point.. 

I believe that the info you sent will help me. I appreciate you taking the time to care about someone you don't even know!! 

[KayC]

Of course! That's what this forum is for.  And this and my Diabetes group I'm an admin on are my purpose.  I hate anyone to feel they are alone or there are no answers.  With grief it's never quick/simple, but we bear it out and one day turns into another...you find what works and apply that.  Start today, do something different!  Maybe by expressing yourself to someone.

[Sarahismymom]

I lost my mom in 2021. She had been my life. I had friends but I was at home with her. I always thought I’d get married & have children but I was broke when I got out of college. I never had relationships to match the closeness I had with mom.  So for me, moving on isn’t something I think of. I try to do good everyday & enjoy moments when I can but i don’t know life without mom.  Everything makes me think of her. 
 

Tomorrow if something makes me smile then I need to appreciate that moment.  Same for the next day.  Bottom line, I don’t pressure on myself to be anything. 

[sundees daughter]

On 7/23/2023 at 4:54 PM, Sarahismymom said:

I lost my mom in 2021. She had been my life. I had friends but I was at home with her. I always thought I’d get married & have children but I was broke when I got out of college. I never had relationships to match the closeness I had with mom.  So for me, moving on isn’t something I think of. I try to do good everyday & enjoy moments when I can but i don’t know life without mom.  Everything makes me think of her. 
 

Tomorrow if something makes me smile then I need to appreciate that moment.  Same for the next day.  Bottom line, I don’t pressure on myself to be anything. 

We sound like two peas in a pod. My mom was my life also. I lived with her until she passed away. Actually I still live in her house and it gives me peace most of the time but it also makes me so sad. Seeing all her things, memories everywhere

[Sarahismymom]

It’s very very hard. I can do everything I did before. I can listen to music. I can watch a movie. I can paint or workout. It’s all empty though.  I mean I’m literally watching a video on YouTube & my mind brings me here.   It hurts  bad.