Time is not helping.

[Dawn Wms]

It has been over three years now and I am still suffering so much.  I can't get anything done.  I try to do things around the house but I can hardly accomplish a simple task like cleaning the bathroom.  I am so bored and lonely without him.  What do people do?  I just want to die.

[KayC]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much.  It's not so much the passage of time as what we do with it, but you're still in the early years and those can be pretty hard. Do you have support around you? Familial or friend...

It helps to get out a bit, it stretches our world a bit, widower2 mentioned it in one of his posts recently.  Have a schedule, that helps too.  Is there a friend you could go to dinner with, or someone you could go to the (park, movie, theater) with?  I remember a couple of months after my husband died, my daughter took me to a play at the U of O, over an hour away from here, and we saw Alexander And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day performed by college students, it was a favorite child's book of mine, and to see them acting like children was hilarious...it was also held on the lawn, and it was so good to get out among others and laugh, and it felt good. Just what the doctor ordered.

Have you gotten grief counseling, read books/articles on grief, gone to grief support groups, journaled? 
Grief Process

[Roxeanne]

I am so sorry Dawn...it's a suffering that last long! How could be otherwise ? We lost our soulmate! Our life was deeply shattered...

The advices of Kay are really good...go out and do what you like with friends or family! It's hard the first times but i did what i like alone...and it was good!!

Unfortunately we have to help ourselves...no one can  do it for us!

Laugh is good, and also cry is good....i found that cry sometimes give me a feeling of relief!

I know that pain and i know it's so hard live a life without them....but  it's the only thing we can do: keep  living and try our best in their name!

Hope you can find some peace hugs Roxi

 

 

[DMB]

It's been 3 years for me as well.  I don't do things around the house in any way shape or form like I used to before.  I leave dishes for days, sweeping and cleaning floors has become as absolutely vile as taking out the trash.  I do manage the few loads of laundry and cleaning of the bathroom-I just do it while I'm in there using it, instead of making it a separate chore.  Although the floor in there is a separate chore, see above, I hate cleaning floors! I also have a hard time with food.  I waste a lot being this unorganized.  I eat way too much pasta, because its less wasteful.  My daughter is bringing me freezer meals she's made, so bless her soul, it is a huge help.

I can't explain what this means.  I loathe the term "new normal" It's some sort of emotional adjustment of being alone in that house.  Yet, when I go to the bay cottage, I'm cleaning and sweeping up sand two times a day!  

 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Gator M said:

I can't see me doing this years and years in the future.  

Then don't, take one day at a time. It will be what it will be.

27 minutes ago, DMB said:

I also have a hard time with food.  I waste a lot being this unorganized

I label the food when I make it by the date made so I know what needs to be eaten first.  

[LMR]

17 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

It has been over three years now and I am still suffering so much.  I can't get anything done.  I try to do things around the house but I can hardly accomplish a simple task like cleaning the bathroom.  I am so bored and lonely without him.  What do people do?  I just want to die.

It's almost 3 years for me too. I never expected to still be around. I had to give up our home so I no longer have an incentive to be house proud but I keep things superficially clean. The first year, before I moved out, I would keep it nice because it was still our home. It always felt like he'd come back. Even now it sometimes feels that way.

I still cry every day because I miss him so much so I don't think it's especially unusual to still be feeling so bad. In our 46 years together I always preferred to be home doing nothing with him than out anywhere doing anything else.

One of his friends had been suggesting a get together for ages and I have kept fobbing him off. Eventually I felt guilty about it and we had an afternoon out together. It was actually nice. I could talk to him about my husband, they were friends even before we met. It was very relaxed and I was glad I went yet I had been dreading it for so long. If you have been avoiding people as I was I would urge you to make the effort. It's not a commitment, just someone to talk to.

I am thinking of checking out a medium, maybe go to a spiritualist meeting first to see how it feels. Again I tentatively make plans then chicken out but I know I need help, I need some peace of mind that nothing so far has given me. I realise it's not an option for everyone but I have an open mind. I just keep on doing what I can.

I'm sorry that you are struggling. You have mentioned previously that you have a dog. I'm glad you have someone to cuddle.

 

[Michelle R]

I get 100% how you feel. My husband passed away 3 years ago this past March. What u wrote is just how I feel, that's my life. I  dont by any means have an answer to make anything hurt less, everyone deals with grief  different. I used to believe that time heals all . Losing my husband I now know that it doesn't!!!  I  try and think about how he would want me to be and I am starting to force myself to get out of the house other than go to work.  I  really don't know what I am trying to say, I just read your post and it really hit home for me.  What I used to tell my kids when they were growing up and having some life crisis," that life will get better, Not forsure when but I promise it will." I know losing the love of your life your soulmate doesn't compare to teenage drama,  thats just what I continue to tell myself. 

[widower2]

21 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

It has been over three years now and I am still suffering so much.  I can't get anything done.  I try to do things around the house but I can hardly accomplish a simple task like cleaning the bathroom.  I am so bored and lonely without him.  What do people do?  I just want to die.

I'm so sorry, and for all of you "stuck" in grief (feeling like you're not making any progress). Regarding the lonely/bored part, I suggest "getting out there." There are all kinds of ways to re-connect with the world...family, friends, social groups and clubs, churches, etc. You might want to check meetup.com....it's basically this service that allows local people to create such clubs and you can join at little to no cost (the most expensive one I am in is a mere $10/year but many are free) and no pressure either...attend anything that interests you and pass on those that don't. Some are age based, some based on a particular interest like going to movies or going for walks, women groups, groups for people of a general age range, wine groups, biking groups, and so on and so on. That helped me after I'd been a hermit (no exaggeration, I literally went nowhere except the grocery store for a long time) and knew I had to get out or I'd go crazy. Nothing to lose!

[KayC]

Yes, make a promise to yourself that you will explore at least ONE social group in the next week...whether it be walking dogs at a rescue, birdwatching, delivering food to the needy, attending a musical event, call someone to go see a movie with you or go out to eat, or have someone over, go walking with someone, attend a church, the possibilities are endless, explore your interests...and don't let lack of interest at the moment hold you back, sometimes we have to just do it to get out of the funk!

[DWS]

16 hours ago, LMR said:

One of his friends had been suggesting a get together for ages and I have kept fobbing him off. Eventually I felt guilty about it and we had an afternoon out together. It was actually nice. I could talk to him about my husband, they were friends even before we met. It was very relaxed and I was glad I went yet I had been dreading it for so long. 

Spending an afternoon with your husband's longtime friend sounds like a perfect outing. I think that's something that many of us would love to do....to be with someone who has fond memories of our partners and spouses. During those chats, there's always the chance of learning something different...maybe a small tidbit about our person that we forgot or never knew! We need those moments and opportunities to talk and gush about them with someone who sincerely wants to hear our stories. I'm so happy for you that you got that chance. 

[DMB]

Being social is helpful. I am grateful for the number of friends (most of them lifelong) and family that keep me busy.  It's the coming home part that is still hard for me.

Time has helped my fear of being alone in the house.  I am not scared often at all like I was before, bolting myself in.  Now, if I forget to lock the door, oh well. I also had this weird anger thing watering plants.  It made me very angry to take care of them.  I'm happy to report they are still living, and I am not mad at them anymore.  That went on for over a year.  Lastly, just last week I managed to replace the toilet seat.  No anger, it took me a bit, but I figured it out. Progress slow as it comes, I guess.

 

[Roxeanne]

On 7/19/2023 at 3:08 PM, DMB said:

Time has helped my fear of being alone in the house

For me too! In the first time i was frightened to be alone in my house...and now i'm comfortable in my house with my cat and all my memories...!

When i go out i return then in my house, in the house i was living with him...not to an empty nest but in a tender place full of his sweet presence...

[KayC]

I feel this too, Roxeanne, and the thought that someone's carelessness could end my living here is overwhelming, we can see the fire from town and the smoke is bad, back to wearing masks outside.  Found a tip on a local website, may or may not help but gave it to their tipline. Haven't heard anything back. 

Talked to my daughter for an hour yesterday, her BF is in Pierre So. Dakota, top floor of a hotel and a tornado alarm went off, haven't heard anything since, it's unnerving, we've all come to love him, he's a once in a lifetime special person...scared.

 

 

[KayC]

Are you kidding me? It's the USFS JOB to take care of it, in this case, in a campground. I do take care of and maintain my own property, but sometimes it's not enough, we need idiots to quit being idiots.  The first 43 years I lived here, we had no fires.

[KayC]

I'll tell you about maintaining....I turned this post into their tips hotline.

[KayC]

Neither can every landowner protect against everyone else's stupidity, but to infer that we haven't done everything earthly possible and this is in any way our fault, well that is just so wrong!  Stupid is management not getting on this aggressively to start with and letting it get out of control! They never used to "manage" it that way.  Not the firefighter's faults, they are the unsung heroes, but there's a helluva lot of people upset about this. After what we went through the last two years, and the nasty letter we all got from them intimating WE are in any way at fault...we managed our property for 43 years with no fires!  I had a contractor cut a "defensible space" around my place and then had "rangers" come in and check it...they cut my lilac tree down without checking in with me, then said "I thought we were doing you a favor, it was probably alright since it's always green."  It was the first thing I planted here, a start from my MIL's tree, the last remaining thing I have of her...the mom I always wanted, my best friend.

17 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I think you misunderstood.

I think it was ill-put.

[KayC]

Here's the letter we all got (everyone rural in Oregon) last year...

Forestry.pdf

[KayC]

I can, it's basically a letter threatening all of us! There was such a public outcry they backed off.  They got all this $ from the gov't, did they offer any help to us?  No!  Easier to threaten people on social security.

[widower2]

I'm sorry for all you're dealing with Kay, but getting back to the OP and topic......

Dawn, any thoughts on ways to break out of this funk at least somewhat? Hopefully some of what we've said gave you some possible ideas? I get the feeling of being stuck, believe me, and hate to see that in anyone else.