Lackluster response from friends

[Andreampg]

Both my parents died recently within a month of one another. I had almost finished up college when this happened and returned home early. When I initially got the news in person my close friends were super supportive. I don’t have a vast social network at school but I thought I had strong connections with these friends but I’ve had to question that recently. I honestly don’t know where to go to talk about this but it’s been bothering me so much and I’m just wondering if anyone has similar experiences I guess. While initially when I returned home , I wasn’t super engaging  with their texts because I was getting so many from people I barely knew, I wasn’t trying to ice them out but now I feel that has happened to me. I’ve asked them to ship things to me from school (i have offered to pay for all of that and even packed most of my stuff before leaving) and got zero response until I asked if my texts were going through. Another time I asked to meet up with a friend because they live near some family I was visiting and got no response. I have even been doing little things like sending funny videos on social media just to see if they want to engage in something with less commitment. I am particularly hurt by one of my friends (who I’ve known these four years) because they have similar experiences in losing a parent and I at least thought I would receive a “how are you doing” text once and a while. I honestly don’t want that much from them, just an acknowledgment that we knew each other the last four years and they care. I keep telling myself I must have done something wrong. I feel like I am driving myself crazy

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your losses. Yes, friends disappearing and generally acting insensitive/stupid is, as far as I can tell, shockingly common. You did NOT do anything wrong of course. People just tend to suck at knowing what to say or do and are so uneasy about it (about death) that they run like scared rabbits. I was quite shocked when it happened to me. Maybe you should try and find other friends? 

[Andreampg]

18 hours ago, widower2 said:

I'm so sorry for your losses. Yes, friends disappearing and generally acting insensitive/stupid is, as far as I can tell, shockingly common. You did NOT do anything wrong of course. People just tend to suck at knowing what to say or do and are so uneasy about it (about death) that they run like scared rabbits. I was quite shocked when it happened to me. Maybe you should try and find other friends? 

Thank you. I’ve definitely heard a bunch about friends leaving when someone dies but I guess I didn’t expect it to happen with these people. It feels like now I have to grieve these friendships too. I’m thankful I’ve got other friends and family that are a strong support during this time. 

[katalinfrog]

I am so sorry to hear about your friends being unsupportive. I am experiencing the same thing and am absolutely shocked by the lack of caring (from people I've known for decades). I am blessed to have a very supportive and kind husband, but I guess I thought my friends would check in now and then, especially since the last two months of my Mom's life were very difficult medically, and I was with her constantly to be her patient advocate. She suffered in her last 12 hours and I am deeply traumatized by it.  

Another member mentioned finding new friends - I think that is great advice. I am learning to accept that people around us are not going to behave how WE want them to, they behave in the capacity of emotional intelligence that they possess. This brings me some amount of peace as I realize they aren't necessarily purposely ditching me, they just don't have the ability to "be what I need". So I am joining groups like this to find some comradery and kinship.

Hugs to you - Truly, my heart goes out to you! Kat

 

[Andreampg]

Thank you for sharing. I’m starting to realize you have to meet people where they’re at and unfortunately that often means people don’t fulfill the roles we thought they would in our lives. Friends come and go and it stings more after a loss but perhaps these friendships weren’t meant to last

[4wolah]

I have 5 very close friends. We have been friends since high school and we are now in our 30s. So what this means is that they have know my mom for just as long. When they found out she was sick, I thought they would at least send me a text asking if I was okay or if my mom was okay. They pretty much went mia. The would respond if I reached out, but never reached out first. When my mom passed, they said “sorry for your loss” but that was it. When they text me, it’s not to ask if I’m okay, but they act like nothing has changed. My universe is gone and they expect me to be the same person I was before my mom got sick. I agree with the posts above saying that people are uncomfortable and don’t know what to do when faced with death. Not only that, but seeing me in this position is almost like a preview for them because one day, they too will go through this, but no one actually wants to think about their parents dying. My grief is still very raw and I’m also looking for ways to be okay, but I think talking to and being around people who have also gone through what you have gone through can be very beneficial.

[KayC]

It happened to me when my husband died, my two BFFs made other plans/excuses and didn't even come to his funeral two weeks later.

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