Loss of Mother

[irishmist816]

It's been a long, long time since my mother died. She committed suicide on June 22nd. It's almost that time of year again, and each year I just feel depressed.

After my mom had me, she went into post-partum depression. My dad told me that she wouldn't talk to a lot of people and she often seemed lost in her own world. She had tried to commit suicide earlier that year, but my dad stopped her before she could. After that, she started acting much happier and we thought everything was getting better. A few days before her suicide she started acting funny again, so my dad went on red alert again. But then she acting normal once again. She started talking and doing everything she used to do. She committed suicide two days later, by shooting herself in the head. My dad found her when he got back from work and when he had picked me up.

My dad fell into depression and didn't move for weeks. I was taken care of mainly by my mother's sister. It didn't affect me that much because I was young at the time, but now that I've gotten older (I'm turning 18 in September), I just get confused. My dad remarried and had two more kids, and I love them so much. But my mother's mother (my grandmother) says that I was the child that caused her depression, which led to her suicide. My father got very angry and told her that it wasn't right to treat me that way, so she stopped, but everytime she visits, it's the same mean looks over and over again.

I know it sounds stupid but I start to wonder whether I am responsible. I was the "oops" child in the family. My dad says that I look like her, and I have the same love for running that she does. I love knowing that, but at the same time, it makes me feel terrible because he's looking at another version of my mother everytime he looks at me. I know I shouldn't be so depressed because it happened almost twelve years ago, but I still feel sad. I still remember her funeral, and we leave her flowers every year, while sending her notes. Even though it's been awhile, the problem isn't getting better. It's only getting worse. It comes off and on, and sometimes it can be really hard. I don't have depression, apparently I'm just in a stage of grieving. How can I be in a state of grieving after almost twelve years of everything being fine? It's confusing. I feel like I'm rambling, but it can be hard for me to get out my thoughts sometimes. I feel that even though I don't have depression, I can loose myself in this "state of grieving". I know this isn't much to go off of, but I was wondering if anyone else has had this problem as well.

Thanks

[ModKonnie]

Irishmist,

Anniversaries can trigger some pretty strong emotions, including those we tried to stuff down deep and not deal with. You may feel this way near every anniversary as you begin to remember the events and experiences leading up to your loss. Do you do this every year? Or is there something special or stressful going on in your life currently?

You may want to try to talk to a professional about ways to deal with emotions you may have tried to avoid? One way to do this is to talk about, journal your feelings, join a support group or get counseling.

In any case, I am so sorry about your loss. There are many people here who have suffered similar experiences. They will be able to offer you support and encouragement.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie