A lady always knows when to leave....

[tinylin18]

Six months ago, today I lost my best friend, teacher, playmate, sister, father, home, hero, and my rock. My mothers passing was absolutely tragic and devasting to say the least. She fell very ill November of 2023, and fought with all her might for three months in the ICU while intubated. My mother was sickly my entire life and I'm grateful for as much time as I got to have with her. Alas nothing in this world could have prepared me for her loss. I reside in the state of Ohio but I am a native New Yorker. My mother during her passing was still currently in New York City. Within her three months battle I was only able to be there with her physically for a week each month due to work and my small child's needs. I did make all medical decisions on her behalf regardless of the distance. I'm devastated and my heart is absolutely broken. Nothing could have prepared me to watch the strongest woman I've ever known die right before my eyes. It pains me to know that there was nothing I could do despite speaking with countless doctors trying to make sure my mother was being given the best level of care and everything that could be done was done. I can't tell you how many times I screamed and cussed out nurses and doctors for their incompetence. Leading up to my mother's passing I was told nothing else could be done other than to make my mother as comfortable as possible. In my opinion she was already gone and hadn't been responsive for over a month, but my grandmother wasn't ready to let her daughter go. As a mother I can understand that, but as a daughter and my mother's biggest advocate I knew she would have wanted us to let her go and she wouldn't want to suffer. It was the hardest thing I had to do, signing my mother's DNR. Within less than 24 hours of me signing my mother's DNR she started to rapidly decline. I was told to make my way to New York as soon as I could. An unexplainable part of me knew she wouldn't make it through the night. I had to be with her. She brought me into this world I had to be there for her when she left it. It took me 6 hours of speeding only to get there and be told that visiting hours were over. I lost my ever-loving mind but managed to have an hour visit with her. I was terrified as I walked to her room afraid of what I would find. There she was as strong and as beautiful as ever. I swear only she could make death so graceful and beautiful in her way. How privileged I was to be able to make it to the hospital in time to say goodbye. It's as if she waited for me and knew it would be our last meeting in this life. Despite the pain I am so very grateful I got to hold her and tell her I loved her once last time. She waited for me like always. A lady always knows when to leave. My mother passed away four hours after I left the hospital. The pain I still currently feel is like nothing I can explain, its worse than when I birthed my son. I've never felt so alone in my life. Everything that I am I owe to her. It's just surreal how a death can make you see whose truly there for you and who isn't. Unfortunately for me I have no one. My family members don't like to talk or acknowledge things that make them uncomfortable. I don't have any friends anymore either. I've taken it upon myself to seek help. I'm in therapy and have had to be placed on anti-depressants. I'm functioning as best as I can and still work and take care of my child. Still, I feel so numb, like the world has lost its color. Sure, I smile and human as best as I can but I'm really screaming inside. No one has asked me if I'm ok, or if I need anything or if I just want to talk. So here I am 6 months later still trying to navigate my grief. Any advice is most welcomed. Sorry for the novel this is literally the first time I'm actually talking about the loss of my mother this way. 

[Traz]

Dear Tinylin18,

I am struck by the love and devotion you gave to your precious mom in her final hours. My sincere condolences on your loss, my heart goes out to you.

I'm almost four years into my loss and there are still hard days. You're still very early in your grief, so the numbness can  stick around for a little while. It's a lot for the brain to process.

Your mom so lovingly waited for you to come and these are what I call parting gifts. My dad wanted to spare me pain, so he left shortly after I went out of the room. He tried to protect me, even in death. I think they're more aware than the medical staff gives them credit for. 

I think therapy is a good thing and antidepressants can be helpful too. Keep good communication with your doctor/therapist so they can help you in the most effective way. There is no cure for grief, but there are coping tools. You write very well, do you journal? If you find it hard to open up to others, writing down your feelings can really help. I have a journal I write in, specifically for my mom. I write to her, just like I am talking to her. It's helped me feel there is still a connection. 

I'm really sorry to hear that you have no one else to talk to... you certainly aren't alone that way. Many people on this forum have that situation and this is a safe, non-judgmental place for you to share and express your grief. 

I hope you find strength and comfort here. 

Traz 

 

[tinylin18]

Dear Traz, 

 

Thank you for your kind words, they are very much appreciated. I never thought of my mother waiting for me and passing without my physically being present as a parting gift. Thinking of it in that way is so very touching. I have to admit I'm not coping very well. Yes, I'm functional as I am a mother and have a child that solely depends on me. However, if not distracted by caring for my child, even at work the pain of my grief consumes me. I've developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms like becoming an emotional eater and isolating myself. It's funny that you should mention journaling. My mother was somewhat of a writer, she had a masters in English and writing.  I was gifted a beautiful journal from a family friend during my mother's funeral, and I've written in it a few times. I used to love to write; even considered getting some of my work published. Alas things that I used to find peace and comfort in now have the opposite effect. I find that anything that reminds me of my mother sometimes makes me relive the pain of my loss. Things that make me who I am that I've grown to love, remind me of her. It's been too painful, and I've stopped doing a lot of things that we loved including writing. I've lost a lot these past two years and my mother's passing I think was a breaking point for me. Not only have I recently lost my mother but two years ago I found out that my estranged father had passed. I also lost my best friend which was like my sister; she didn't die but she ended our over 25 years of friendship without an actual explanation and well I'm still mourning our friendship. My divorce finally finalized after 3 years of a fight while my mother was actively passing smh and my son has officially hit puberty and that's been a real treat.   My soul is tired if I had to explain how I feel in words. I've always been older than my years, my mother used to call me her little old soul; but lord recently I feel absolutely prehistoric. Tomorrows my 33rd birthday actually. It's going to be the first without my mom and honestly, I don't even know how I'm going to function. Traz thanks for actually having something to say. Its most refreshing to speak and actually get a response, its greatly appreciated. 

[Traz]

Dear Tinylin18,

Happy Birthday to you! I hope that you find a moment to do something just for yourself. It sounds like you've been through a lot these last few years and my heart goes out to you. I had a similar situation to yours, regarding a relationship that fractured during my mom's illness and subsequent death. 

It was with my sister and we previously shared an almost 'twin flame' type of relationship - basically inseparable. I won't go into it at length, but she hurt and betrayed me. And that really complicated my grief for my mom. It sounds like all of these losses in such a short period of time have taken their toll. I would also be extremely upset at the loss of a long term friendship - especially when no clear reason was given for why it ended. I hope someday you can connect again, even if it's only to find out what happened. That may bring some type of closure. You deserve an explanation, you are worth that. 

No wonder your soul feels exhausted. And caring for a pre-teen during all of this turmoil must be so challenging. Mine are grown up but I remember those days - attitude in abundance!

I too, found myself reaching for comfort food after my mom's death. I think a lot of people cope this way. In my case, the pandemic had just hit and there was nothing to do but binge-watch Netflix and stuff my face, lol. 

I'm sorry that the shared interests you  enjoyed with your mom are too painful right now. I get it. One thing my therapist said to me was "You must continue to feel." That was exactly the opposite of what I wanted to do, but he was right. The more I allowed myself to fully feel the pain, grief and the depth of my loss- the better I started to feel. But it took a lot of time, so be gentle with yourself. Have you thought of seeing a grief counsellor?  I found it helpful to talk to someone who who could offer me coping tools or just listen when everyone else felt I should be 'moving on' with my life. 

If you don't have siblings or someone close you can share your loss with, that can feel very isolating. Coping at work must be very difficult as well - does your place of employment offer bereavement leave? It might be worth looking into if you're finding it hard to do your work. 

This might not appeal to you and I don't know what your religious/spiritual beliefs are but I found extreme comfort in watching NDE experiences on YouTube. (Near Death Experiences) The channel that helped me is: Anthony Chene Production. Also the work of Dr. Bruce Greyson. It gave me hope and strength in dealing with my own grief. 

It can feel really crummy when people don't answer your posts, I totally understand and it happened to me here too. So I just started to reply to what other people wrote  and connected that way. 

I hope you have brighter days soon and know that you're not alone. 

Thinking of you Xo

Traz

 

 

[tinylin18]

Traz, 

 

Unfortunately, I very much had a depressing and emotional birthday. Thank you for the well wishes there greatly appreciated. I have indeed gone through a lot these past few years, but it feels like I have gone through things all my life. My friendship is indeed over. While my mother was actively dying, I reached out to my said friend to meet up for coffee and talk. I made it known that I had no intention of arguing, playing the blame game or, any other expectations I just wanted closure. She ignored me and had for years. As painful as it was for me to do, I blocked her so I wouldn't be tempted to reach out again and again. I know my worth and I won't fight someone to be a part of my life any longer. Some people grow out of each other and only stay for a season in one's life as painful as that can be to admit. My counselor and other healthcare professionals have said that I have to continue to feel, and I am trying as painful as it can be sometimes. What I miss most is just my mother's overall presence. I miss the true unconditional love and safe place she created for me. I miss the feeling of home and having someone who genuinely cared that I could come too in times of need. I have to admit I'm very much an empath but when it comes to me own needs and emotions, I'm absolutely clueless. I grew up in a family my mother not including, that doesn't discuss feelings. Children were not to be heard or seen let alone did feelings matter. And mental health was never taken seriously so a therapist or any help was unheard of. Basically, you just grew up not discussing anything at all. Well, no in my adulthood it has made things so difficult for me. I don't know how to process and express my own emotions all the time. I did just start grief counseling, thank you for the suggestion I really hope it helps. I will defiantly be checking out those YouTube videos you suggested as well. I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

 

Dez