Members Popular Post Juan 1 Posted July 12, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 12, 2023 Lost my wife of 42 years in November 2020, she was my soulmate and best friend. Lost my eldest daughter in March 2021. Even though it's been over 2 years I still can't stop grieving. I have many days and nights of just thinking about them. I have trouble motivating myself to do much of anything at the house and continue to have mood swings like crazy. I have trouble seeing the bright side of things and being joyful at all. I love spending time with my two other children and grandkids but the joy is short lived. I love taking short trips with my friends but I have trouble concentrating on just enjoying the moments. I came upon this site and was hoping someone has some advice. 3 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 12, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted July 12, 2023 I am so sorry for your loss. You have found a grief family that is very caring and we want to be here for you as you read and post. Grief ProcessMultiple Losses This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Juan 1 Posted July 12, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted July 12, 2023 thank you! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 12, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted July 12, 2023 You are so welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post LMR Posted July 13, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 13, 2023 I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine having one loss compounded by another so soon after. I lost my soulmate in August 2020. I am still struggling with acceptance. I cry every night. I have got quite good at pushing thoughts away, bringing down my firewall as I think of it but eventually I have to let it out. Great love brings great sorrow. There is no easy way. After almost three years I know I'm doing better but it can sometimes be hard to tell. Like you I enjoy visits with friends and family but it is never going to be the same. The one thing that has had some impact is realising that somebody needs me. I wasn't looking after myself because I didn't care but now I worry about hurting others so I need to make a change. We need to give love, that is our nature. A pet might help you. It's not a replacement but they do love us back, they are such innocents, like babies, and it helps to have someone to cuddle and even talk to. It stops the bottling up. I hope you will continue to come here, for support and comfort and just to let it all out. It has helped me a lot. Hugs 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted July 13, 2023 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted July 13, 2023 I couldn't live without my companion animal, my little Kodie. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post DWS Posted July 13, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 13, 2023 17 hours ago, Juan 1 said: I have trouble seeing the bright side of things and being joyful at all. I love spending time with my two other children and grandkids but the joy is short lived. I love taking short trips with my friends but I have trouble concentrating on just enjoying the moments. I came upon this site and was hoping someone has some advice. My heart goes out to you. The loss of your wife and then your daughter just four months later is tremendous and forever life changing for you. Trying to see the brighter side of things would be such a heavy chore and maybe just something too onerous to expect right now. I know there would be a want to have some of this darkness lifted but you were hit so hard and so unfairly. It sounds like you are doing the best you can under these circumstances....catching some small rays of light here and there. Hopefully, those around you continue being supportive and understanding of your continual pain. The darkness that all of us here deal with is there because of our neverending love for our persons and the continual reminders of their physical absence. 5 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Juan 1 Posted July 13, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2023 thank you so much for sharing 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post RichS Posted July 14, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 14, 2023 On 7/12/2023 at 2:52 PM, Juan 1 said: Lost my wife of 42 years in November 2020, she was my soulmate and best friend. Lost my eldest daughter in March 2021. Even though it's been over 2 years I still can't stop grieving. I have many days and nights of just thinking about them. I have trouble motivating myself to do much of anything at the house and continue to have mood swings like crazy. I have trouble seeing the bright side of things and being joyful at all. I love spending time with my two other children and grandkids but the joy is short lived. I love taking short trips with my friends but I have trouble concentrating on just enjoying the moments. I came upon this site and was hoping someone has some advice. Juan: All of us on this board share in your loss because we've all experienced the same thing. I also lost my wife of 42 years almost a year ago. As I read your feelings I can honestly say that I've been experiencing similar feelings. I joined this board 6 months ago and it has been a blessing. There are a lot of sympathetic, understanding people here who can relate to everything you're currently going through. Please continue to post here. WELCOME!! 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted August 5, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted August 5, 2023 Juan, I'm so sorry. Losing a spouse/partner as those of us have here is horrific enough, but then a child as well?? I can't begin to imagine. Mostly I would say try to keep busy and take whatever comfort (and God forbid, joy) in whatever you can - family, friends, activities, memories of better times, etc. To say life is imperfect is one of the all-time understatements IMO, but it is still life and I think we should try to make the most of it while we can, hard as that can be. I hope this site can help in some way. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Juan 1 Posted August 6, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted August 6, 2023 Thank you all for your kind words Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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