Lost my partner and need to vent

[need.to.vent]

I just lost someone very dear to me and I needed a place to tell my story. 

I met a girl when I was 29 and she was 26.  We hit it off right away and casually started dating. We were both not ready for a serious relationship as I was dedicated to building up my business and she was working and going to medical school. This worked out for us as we spent anytime we had with each other.  I still remember all the times I've watched her nap because of how tired she was from work and school. We always found a way to be with each other. She was very kind and thoughtful to me. Always took care of me and my needs and I did the same with her. We had a great time while we were together. 

A little over a year later I got a job offer in the middle of the ocean and I took the offer. We discussed it and agreed to have a mutual separation but will continue to keep each other in our lives. We were to find each other again once we both have our lives together. 

Little did I know, this separation grew us closer together. The first few years, we spoke and caught up with each other's lives. Learning about each other in a much deeper level. I started to fall more in love with her everyday but I didn't know it at the time. I was happy.  

Three years later, we have spent the past few month speaking to each other everyday and video chatted as often as we could. She had a sister who would visit her and join in the chat. They were both very close and I became a part of their lives. I still didn't realize how much I was falling in love with her. 

A few weeks ago, she confessed her love to me and wanted for us to become more. This is when I realized how much I have grown to love her and how much she meant to me.  Since this day we spoke about getting married and meeting the family. She was doing her last few weeks of exams for her schooling and was planning to visit me for a couple of week to talk about our future together. 

The day before her last exam, we had a wonderful chat about the last exam and how we were going to celebrate. She was suppose to text me after to tell me how it went. 

The day of the exam I went about my day and had started to clean one of the rooms in my place to turn it into a little theater to surprise her. She had talked about watching all these movies but was always busy to do so.  It was getting later in the day and I was still in the middle of cleaning the room and got a call from her sister. She was so emotional it took a few minutes for me to calm her down before she told me that her sister, my love, passed this morning.

I learned that she finished her exam and went home to take a nap and never woke up.

I did not know remember what else her sister said as I broke down and cried my eyes out. I couldn't not believe what I just heard. I had so many thoughts rush through my head I couldn't contain my emotions.

My dream and future with her is now gone. I feel like I have nothing left.  My heart feels heavy and empty.

I have never been this emotional in my life and have never felt so lost.

She passed because of her heart.  I don't think she even knew she had an issue. But she passed away peacefully in her sleep. 

I have been in my own thoughts the past week. Today, I am able to type this without fully breaking down. 

 

[KayC]

OMG, I am so sorry!  To have found your person and b e so close to realizing your dream, only to lose her...it's kind of like it was with us, we knew each other 6 1/2 years, met in our 40s, instantly clicked, great communication and faith in each other, only to lose him 3 years, 8 months later.  He was my person, my soulmate, my best friend.

My heart goes out to you, you have found a caring place to be.  We welcome you and hope you will continue to come here to read and post. Others will be along as soon as it is daylight.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Aarya]

@need.to.vent  I am so, so incredibly sorry. Like you, I only found the courage to vent on this forum a few days ago -- almost 3 months after my soulmate also suddenly passed away due to unknown heart issues. Nobody deserves to feel this kind of pain. I do not know what I can say other than that there are people here who know how you feel, have cried as you cry, and continue to do their best to survive. The loss and shock is still so fresh and raw for you... please be gentle and kind with yourself and how you feel... try to take care of yourself the way your love would take care of you.. though i do know it is not the same. my heart goes out to you. ❤️ 

[KayC]

I just read from a group text that someone who goes to my church knows someone who is 19 and just never woke up...I thought of you. The hardest thing in the world.

[need.to.vent]

13 hours ago, Aarya said:

@need.to.vent  I am so, so incredibly sorry. Like you, I only found the courage to vent on this forum a few days ago -- almost 3 months after my soulmate also suddenly passed away due to unknown heart issues. Nobody deserves to feel this kind of pain. I do not know what I can say other than that there are people here who know how you feel, have cried as you cry, and continue to do their best to survive. The loss and shock is still so fresh and raw for you... please be gentle and kind with yourself and how you feel... try to take care of yourself the way your love would take care of you.. though i do know it is not the same. my heart goes out to you. ❤️ 

Thank you for your kind message.

[need.to.vent]

16 minutes ago, KayC said:

I just read from a group text that someone who goes to my church knows someone who is 19 and just never woke up...I thought of you. The hardest thing in the world.

Thank you for thinking of me.  She was my soulmate.  We talked about how fate had brought us together and how thankful we were to have met each other.  It felt like I knew her my whole life.  She was such a kind and beautiful soul.  It's so hard to let go.

[KayC]

Then don't...learn to deal with her differently...

Continuing Bonds - WYG
Continuing beyond physical death
Continuing Relationships
What Is Continuing Bonds Theory in Bereavement? | Cake Blog

[RichS]

need.to.vent :  All of us on this board are very sorry for your loss. Please know that during this very big upheaval in your life, we on this board will be here to sympathize with you, provide you with encouragement and be here if you need us. We all do the same for each other; each and every day. Please continue to post your feelings here.

WELCOME!!