I lost my soulmate suddenly and unexpectedly...

[Aarya]

Hi, my name is Aarya. I turned 24 exactly 2 weeks after the love of my life, soulmate, and best friend Bobby passed away - on April 12, 2023. 

Bobby passed away due to a seemingly enlarged heart. He had no symptoms, and was incredibly healthy and happy. His heart stopped while he was playing basketball and I was across the world in another country. We are still waiting for the full ME's report so the information about his heart is from a preliminary report. Doctors we know are assuming HCM or HOCM which is apparently a "silent killer," as the first symptom is cardiac death for the people who show zero signs of the issue...

I'm almost 3 months in and I'm flailing, so I joined this forum as a bleak effort to see how others in my situation feel and cope and think etc.. This is the first loss I have ever experienced. I feel as though I am going to disappear into thin air at any moment and I feel as though I am disembodied and witnessing myself change into a person I don't recognize. I feel like I don't recognize anything anymore and a stranger to my life. I don't understand how grievers are expected to continue on with a life that was not their first or fifth choice. Any life I live now, no matter what takes place in the future, will always be something I had to settle for. I was incredibly happy with myself and our life, that I worked hard for. I know not many people can say that at such a young age but I always told Bobby that he came into my life as a gift from the universe to show me what true love and happiness is, after the other turmoil I had been through before him. Everything in my life was finally falling into place, but of course it was too good to be true. 

Time is my enemy. I do not want time to heal me or for it to change things because the more time goes on means more time without Bobby. He is the purest, happiest soul. Almost annoyingly so. He was always so sure of himself and that life would always work out the way it was meant to, no matter the struggle in between. He was the first and only person whom I literally felt intertwined with, our souls and minds alike. It is a connection that I never thought I would have the privilege to experience. And now it's gone. He was only 25, and passed away 5 weeks after his birthday.

 

Side note (and TW): My first and only other partner (which was toxic, abusive, and completely put me off relationships and men for 5 years until I met Bobby) committed s*icide in October of 2021. We were not in touch, and had been broken up for almost 5 years and completely out of touch for 3 years at that point. Bobby was with me the morning I found out and was so amazing and helpful and supportive, completely gave me the space to grieve and mourn as I saw fit. The only two people I have been with, and loved, are now both gone. I don't know what to make of it. I can't help but feel irrational like I'm not meant to be in love... or question the reason behind this. I know I will never have answers as to why.

I don't know what I'm expecting or want out of writing this.. possibly just an outlet to vent to people who understand this agony. 

I just need Bobby back... this life just doesn't feel worth living without him. And I know he'd hate me saying that. But it's the truth. We were supposed to have our entire lives together.

[KayC]

He sounds like an amazing person, I'm glad you had him! I had six major relationships in my life, but the only one who ever loved me was George and feelings were very mutual!  We clicked from the get go, always understood each other and related. We found out we grew up less than five miles from each other as children but didn't know each other, they moved around a lot (11 kids, he was second oldest) whereas I was in the same house all those growing up years.  

1) first husband EXTREMELY abusive, cheated on my constantly, took me six years to get out of it because it wasn't until I considered risking my life was better than living like that.

2) Engaged to someone who I thought was great but he broke up with me, no explanation or notice...he was my boss.  He never married, is 80 now.

3) Married 23 years to a controller, emotionally abusive, it was hell, finally got out after two kids.

4) Married George, it was bliss...until he died. He was the best stepdad in the world!  His XW had taken their kids and left with them (before computer days) and he finally found them after they were grown.

5) In grief fog and trying to rebuild my life the wrong way, I married again but he never lived with me, just preyed on me for my credit (I didn't have $), stuck me with $57,000, in addition to the $72,000 in medical bills I owed upon George's death.  It's horribly embarrassing to tell this but I want to deter ANYONE I CAN from making this mistake, easy to do when all your friends disappear overnight...

6) Got engaged to someone (one last try!) but he broke up with me when his mom was dying.  13 years later I found out he'd been married all that time!  Unreal, everyone in his life was complicit in the deception!  I have not dated since him, best off on my own.

 

[Aarya]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

He sounds like an amazing person, I'm glad you had him! I had six major relationships in my life, but the only one who ever loved me was George and feelings were very mutual!  We clicked from the get go, always understood each other and related. We found out we grew up less than five miles from each other as children but didn't know each other, they moved around a lot (11 kids, he was second oldest) whereas I was in the same house all those growing up years.  

1) first husband EXTREMELY abusive, cheated on my constantly, took me six years to get out of it because it wasn't until I considered risking my life was better than living like that.

2) Engaged to someone who I thought was great but he broke up with me, no explanation or notice...he was my boss.  He never married, is 80 now.

3) Married 23 years to a controller, emotionally abusive, it was hell, finally got out after two kids.

4) Married George, it was bliss...until he died. He was the best stepdad in the world!  His XW had taken their kids and left with them (before computer days) and he finally found them after they were grown.

5) In grief fog and trying to rebuild my life the wrong way, I married again but he never lived with me, just preyed on me for my credit (I didn't have $), stuck me with $57,000, in addition to the $72,000 in medical bills I owed upon George's death.  It's horribly embarrassing to tell this but I want to deter ANYONE I CAN from making this mistake, easy to do when all your friends disappear overnight...

6) Got engaged to someone (one last try!) but he broke up with me when his mom was dying.  13 years later I found out he'd been married all that time!  Unreal, everyone in his life was complicit in the deception!  I have not dated since him, best off on my own.

 

I am so sorry for your loss, and I am so happy that you were able to experience a true relationship with George and you got to receive the love that you truly deserve. It will last you forever.

In the same way, though my time with Bobby was cruelly cut incredibly short, I know that the love we shared is more than most people ever get to experience and that it will last me for many lifetimes to come and for that I am grateful. I am grateful that we never wasted a moment on ego or pride, which he taught me, and we always told one another how much we adored each other and spent every day together like it was our last - and therefore I am eternally lucky to not experience any regret for our relationship as it was pure. I just feel robbed, and he was robbed too. Of his beautiful life that he was so intent on living to the fullest and had so many dreams and plans to fulfill. 

I hope you are healing in any way that you can from the way that this universe has wronged you. You do not deserve the pain and betrayal put on to you and I am sending you so much love. 

[KayC]

47 minutes ago, Aarya said:

my time with Bobby was cruelly cut incredibly short

Ours too but 18 years later I'm still holding onto the memories and they sustain me.  Like you, I feel no regret.

[Shinka]

Aarya, I'm so sorry for your loss and at such a young age. Bobby sounds like an amazing person, how lucky you were to have met him and how much you must hurt now.  All I can say from my own experience is, that it's important to let your grief run its natural course. Don't push it away, don't add anything to it, just be with it. You sound like a very reflective and aware woman. That won't lessen your pain or unbreak your heart, but it will give you the resilience to come to terms with this. Sending you a huge virtual hug. 

[Aarya]

4 hours ago, Shinka said:

Aarya, I'm so sorry for your loss and at such a young age. Bobby sounds like an amazing person, how lucky you were to have met him and how much you must hurt now.  All I can say from my own experience is, that it's important to let your grief run its natural course. Don't push it away, don't add anything to it, just be with it. You sound like a very reflective and aware woman. That won't lessen your pain or unbreak your heart, but it will give you the resilience to come to terms with this. Sending you a huge virtual hug. 

Shinka, thank you so much for your kind words, and I am so sorry you have had this experience too. I am trying to allow myself to be with the grief, but it is just so painful that sometimes I genuinely feel my body cannot physically take it. I hate that I have to be with grief instead of him.. but for some reason this has become my journey in life.

I am lucky to have an incredibly supportive and understanding family, who allow me to be as I am. As ugly as it gets.

However, nobody in this world is my Bobby, and the loneliness without him is excruciating. The silence is what I battle recently... he was always so loud and bubbly and goofy, full of jokes and laughter. Always a listening ear, we would talk for hours about everything and nothing. My world has become incredibly silent now. I hope to see him again someday soon. 

[Shinka]

I believe our loved ones are still with us, and that, if we're still enough inside, we can talk to them. And I do, daily, still after two and a half years. But that's just me. Some people may think that's, crazy. 

[Aarya]

1 hour ago, Shinka said:

I believe our loved ones are still with us, and that, if we're still enough inside, we can talk to them. And I do, daily, still after two and a half years. But that's just me. Some people may think that's, crazy. 

It's not crazy... I believe that too. I talk to him all the time, in my head, out loud.. I write to him in letters and have texted his number every day since. It was our normal routine.. to be in touch with each other constantly no matter the time of day or night. I don't feel any need to change that now.

Of course, I wish he could reply, that I could hear his laugh and him telling me to "take a deep breath, eat some good food, and to call him before I go to sleep." But I talk anyways, because if he truly is around, just in another state, - I want him to know I am still here and that my love has not changed. I'm still his best friend and I will still talk his ear off as he tries to go to sleep..💞

[KayC]

Even though it's been so long, I still talk to George too, I still feel very much connected to him.

[Shinka]

Aarya, I do think they communicate with us, but we need to learn to read the signs. Sometimes it's by a sudden intuition when I'm struggling with a question, sometimes it's a dream, sometimes just an inner voice. But whether you can 'hear' him or not, he's with you and will be untill it's your time to go. That's my belief. 

[KayC]

I think this bears telling again, many of you hadn't heard it.

In 2013 I was set to go on vacation with Arlie...instead I was told my job was ending THAT DAY and I could drive the 100 mile trip back on Sat. to clean out my desk.  Nice.

We never did get to go on the vacation and Arlie died six years later.

I lived off my meager savings for four years before running out of $ and filing social security a year early, taking a penalty for life. In addition they'd "lost" two years I worked full time (had filed taxes with CPA but it was in 92 and 93 and proof long gone, so more $ Social Security didn't credit me for).    I called social security to find out how much I'd get and got a horrible lady that wanted off work and didn't want to bother with me...I'd held for an hour to get her.  She told me I'd get $200/month!  WHAT?!! I worked all my life, paid in, WTH!!!  She told me to call my local office and hung up.  I tried, they'd just closed and it was a holiday weekend, so three days to wait...and with this hanging over my head!  No one would hire me, age discrimination, recession, I'd already been through all that.  

I'm laying on my bed, face down that night, can't remember if I was crying or not, but all of a sudden I felt George's hand on my back/shoulder....I'd know that touch anywhere!  Instantly I felt calm peace, as only he could do, the way I always felt when he held me, like all was right with the world.  And it carried me through until Tuesday when I called Soc. Sec. and got the nicest man.  He told me how much I'd get (better than $250) and offered to file for me, even setting up the Medicare deduction.  He was wonderful, I often wish I had his name so I could personally thank him.

But it was George who carried me through that weekend.  I haven't had his touch since, but if I never do this side of heaven, that was something I will never forget.  I didn't conjure it up, I hadn't asked for a sign, it just happened, when I most needed it.  And we will be together again, I know it.

[Jemiga70]

@Aarya  My sincere condolences, Aarya.  Both of you so young... I can't imagine.  I too lost the love of my life suddenly and unexpectedly so I can relate to that awful shock.  I encourage you to come here and read / post  / rant  if it helps.  This forum has helped me not to feel so alone in this.  Take care,  

[Aarya]

On 7/11/2023 at 1:57 AM, Jemiga70 said:

@Aarya  My sincere condolences, Aarya.  Both of you so young... I can't imagine.  I too lost the love of my life suddenly and unexpectedly so I can relate to that awful shock.  I encourage you to come here and read / post  / rant  if it helps.  This forum has helped me not to feel so alone in this.  Take care,  

Thank you, @Jemiga70 . I am incredibly sorry for your loss, too. Take care. 

[Basha]

Dear Aarya,

My lover/husband/best friend/soulmate of 27 years
drowned in a rip tide four months ago,
so I can only write to you that I understand
and I am so sorry you have lost this person you loved so much.

I was broken. i am broken.  I can't go on. I still go on.

So I have nothing to say, really, except you are not alone. And I know that is no comfort,
but know that I hear/feel what you are going through.

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry that you too have suffered loss, so many of us here...

We welcome you here and hope you will continue to come here to read and post, it helps process our grief, and esp. to know we are not alone in what we are going through.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Shinka]

I'm so sorry Bashar, you must be so heartbroken. Not only do you have to deal with this loss it self, but also with the trauma of losing your love so suddenly, without any preparation whatsoever. That is so hard. I hope you have supportive friends or family, and that your financial situation allows for you to let grief run its course without having to push it away in order to fulfill anyone's expectations and demands. Do you get enough sleep? 

[Basha]

@Shrinka thank you for writing. My partner and I moved to New Mexico six years ago, and while I do have some support here, my family and closest friends are all back east. So this is hard as the time goes on and the daily phone calls fall off. So I am reaching out more, but this is hard. My finances are okay enough that I can reduce my work hours but I still have to work. And his family is angry with me and not speaking.

[KayC]

Its common for grievers to strike out at someone, when what they're really doing is striking out at the situation, it's very unfair for you to be on the brunt end of it.  All my our friends and his family disappeared overnight on me, except his brother tried to con me from prison, his friend tried to con me and stole his wedding ring, and his dad called a year later badmouthing (same dad that wasn't there for the 11 kids growing up, and didn't go to his funeral, even though offered a ride), I reminded him how George would drive two hours away to play cribbage with him and was always there for him, including financially. I told him when he had something nice to say, to call back. He never did.  A brother he'd sold a car to never made a payment. We had $120 in the bank when he died and after his hospital bills, I was left owing $72,000 and had to take out a mortgage.  Then my car went out.  I had a long commute.  No choice but get a loan. Somehow I've made it all these years, never been late on a payment, excellent credit.

I was lucky when George died to be working for a great boss and coworkers, unfortunately the place went under that year, Bush was president, he cut off buying military airplane parts, there went our company.

I am so sorry his family isn't speaking!  In my case it was a blessing, but I know George would be grieved.  They were, after all, his family.

[Basha]

@KayC. Thanks for writing about all your difficulties with your partner's family... I do tell myself that Miguel's daughter and ex-partner are going through their own grief and being angry at me is part of that... I am hoping that we all will be able to not stay in this place of anger and fear... there are two grandchldren that I feel sad that this will end my connection with them.

[KayC]

II hope it doesn't come to that, I hope in time they will connect with you again.  You have more at stake than I did, losing his family wasn't a huge loss as his children were grown and had been kept from his family by his XW, so I have some connection there, although they're out of state.

My heart goes out to you with all you are going through.  It gets better in time, not ever like before, but better than the pain you're in right now, it's kind of an evolutionary journey.  (((hugs)))

[Basha]

7 hours ago, Gator M said:

 I'll remain here for the short term 3-5  more years but I'm going to think LONG and hard after I retire.

@Gator M What a hard decision that must be... to leave where you have been living because of difficulities with family members. i wish you luck.

[Christina2223]

I just lost my soul mate 2 days ago. The pain and loneliness is unbearable.

[Basha]

@Christina2223 I am so sorry. I can't imagine there are any words by anyone that can ease that pain or relieve that loneliness. I am four months since my husband died, and there are still no comforting words that chase that pain or that loneliness. Remembering back to my first two days after Miguel drowned, I walked the beach in Puerto Rico alone every early morning and every sunset. It gave me something to do... I would bring flowers and a cut-off water bottle to bury in the sand where I was making some kind of altar with broken pieces of hurricane wood. It was not particularly beautiful but it gave me a purpose every day... I did this for about a week or so until I had to go back home to New Mexico to get his birth certificate ... my sister who came to be with me and new-made friends in Rio Grande, PR made sure I ate and texted each other if I didn't come back to the apartment by night fall. What does one do two days after? It is just awful.

[Basha]

@Christina2223 The loss of your soulmate, your son, and your mother... so quickly one after another. What sadness. I hope you have people around
who can be there for you in the way that you need now.

[Christina2223]

Thank you so much for your kindness. I'm just not sure I can bear this pain much longer. It's so unfair we were supposed to grow old together now I'm alone what do I do now?? Where do I  go. He was my rock how could he leave me...

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Christina2223 said:

I just lost my soul mate 2 days ago. The pain and loneliness is unbearable.

OMG, you lost your mom AND your soulmate?  Wow!  That is a lot to hit so close together.  Welcome here, this is like a grief family, from all over the world, yet we share our hearts here, and we get it, unlike some of our family and friends.
Multiple Losses

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps us process our grief.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Aarya]

On 7/30/2023 at 7:28 PM, Basha said:

Dear Aarya,

My lover/husband/best friend/soulmate of 27 years
drowned in a rip tide four months ago,
so I can only write to you that I understand
and I am so sorry you have lost this person you loved so much.

I was broken. i am broken.  I can't go on. I still go on.

So I have nothing to say, really, except you are not alone. And I know that is no comfort,
but know that I hear/feel what you are going through.

 

Dear Basha, I am so so very sorry. I have not been on this forum in some time, so much has gone on and I have barely been keeping afloat, so apologies for my delayed response. That is such a traumatic, painful thing to behold, as is all grief. I am here with you through this treacherous journey, as is everyone here. I hope our loved ones are all together somewhere, protecting us and staying close to us wherever we go. Sending so much love to you. 

[Aarya]

On 8/5/2023 at 4:31 PM, Christina2223 said:

I just lost my soul mate 2 days ago. The pain and loneliness is unbearable.

Christina, I am so so so sorry. The multiple losses... I cannot begin to even try and imagine. It is so violent, this pain. It makes me wonder why some of us are meant to suffer such tragedy while others go through life unscathed. It is so unfair. You shouldn't have to go through this, nobody on this forum should. We all deserve true happiness and peace and love. It angers me to think that life decided otherwise. In the midst of so much agony, all I hope is that you can keep breathing. That you are surrounded by understanding and compassion. You will find that here... I am so sorry.

Each day that goes on without my soulmate is more brutal than the last. It feels wrong, to be here without him. I understand the loneliness. All my days were filled with him, and now the silence and absence is deafening. And for some stupid reason, we are all expected to continue to function and live our lives as "normal." It's so infuriating. Anyways. I don't mean to go on a tangent. I just am sending every ounce of love and light and peace your way. You are a warrior, and I know it is not by choice, but you truly seem as a force to be reckoned with. I hope life is kinder to you, and soon. Hugs. 

[KayC]

@Aarya How are you doing?  It's been a while...

[Aarya]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

@Aarya How are you doing?  It's been a while...

Hi @KayC .. yes it has been a while. I am struggling, it has been over a month since I moved to New York and started my graduate school program. I feel like I went straight into autopilot mode in order to function, go to class, find an apartment (which I still haven't been able to do). But I am tired now. I hate that I have to keep going / keep functioning while I am in this type of pain. I have to excuse myself from classes to go cry or to stop myself from having a panic attack, I cry in public places all the time, I feel anger a lot more. I am staying with a friend at the moment, but I was supposed to move to NYC with Bobby and do all of this with him but now I am doing it alone. I am tired of faking it... of keeping up this facade. It will be 6 months in 8 days, and I'm terrified. I can't understand how it has been almost half a year already. But at the same time it feels like a lifetime. I see people in love everywhere, older couples, younger people, people who are so so happy and seem to love life so much and it breaks my heart that I used to be that person just a few months ago... and now I couldn't be more different. 

Anyways... I have a lovely relationship with his family and friends, thankfully, and I talk to them often. But I feel like as soon as I get my own place, I just want to isolate for a while and be alone and allow myself to properly mourn and grieve again. 

How are you? 

[KayC]

I'm okay, but concerned about YOU!  Those early years can be tough.  I did the same, had to return to work two weeks after he died, good thing the restroom was right behind my cubicle as I'd go in there to have a meltdown.  It's so rough, I really feel for you.

[Aarya]

Thank you for thinking of me and for being concerned about me... it really means the world. I am trying to stay afloat, that is all I really have energy for at the moment. It's sad, this new experience moving to NYC was supposed to be so amazing and exciting.. and now it's so awful. Bobby is the only person who would know how to relieve my pain in seconds.. make me smile instantly. I just wish he were here. My life would be the way it was meant to be. I'm sorry you had to go through the same thing at work. It's so exhausting. 

[RichS]

Arya:  Please continue to post here. We’re all here to sympathize and support each other..

[Aarya]

Hi guys.. things have been pretty awful lately. The grief is taking over me entirely. I was able to shut it out for the most part because I had so many responsibilities and distractions with work and moving apartments and being in a new city, but now that things are slowing down and the dust is settling.. it's dawning on me that Bobby still isnt here, and that no matter what happens in my life - he won't ever be here again. There's so much agonizing pain I don't know what to do. This feeling of constantly missing him is destroying me. I just want to talk to him, come home to him, hear his laugh and fall asleep next to him.. I have a supportive loving family & friends but it only helps to an extent. The only thing that will fix me and make things better and okay again is if Bobby were alive. I will never understand why an athletic healthy happy 25 year old died on the spot like that with absolutely 0 symptoms or signs. Even his family doctor said that there was absolutely no medical explanation. Someone who's always so vigilant about doctors visits and check ups. He was gone in seconds.

He is the only person in this whole world that is utterly and truly all about me. Eventually everyone has their own lives and distractions but with us, we were irrevocably there for one another at all hours all the time no matter what. We were each other's chosen people and I never thought I would ever find a love like that. My only other relationship (long before I met Bobby) was toxic and abusive and he actually took his own life 2 years ago. Bobby was with me the morning I found out my ex committed suicide and Bobby was so unbelievably understanding and graceful and kind. I waited so long to find him... for a love like ours. Why did it have to get taken away? We had so much life to live together. We were meant to get married and have kids and travel the world. The only two people I've ever loved / been in relationships with, are both gone. 

I feel so alone without him. I'm only 24 and it makes me sick to know I have decades to live without him. The grief has changed me so much and it makes me sad. I really liked who I was before this happened. I worked really hard to grow and be that person. And now she's gone.. but I guess it's only right for that Aarya to have gone away the day Bobby did. I can think of no better place for her to be. 

I'm sorry I know this isn't very uplifting. I just don't know where else to go. 

[RichS]

Arya:  It may be hard to believe, but everyone here knows what you’re going through. Yes, it is difficult to lose the love of your life at such a young age. I thought about that myself the other day: how would I deal with it if I lost my wife 30 or 40 years ago? 
You mentioned that you have family and friends. If they are still very supportive after 6 or 7 months, that is a good sign. Many of us on this board had that support in the beginning; but then over time the support fades away. Yes that does help you only to an extent; and that is why additional support is needed. Things like posting and reading posts on this board, joining a grief group, possibly meeting with a grief counselor for awhile. Reading books and articles on coping with your grief are all helpful.

Yes, keeping busy is also important; but not to the point where you do not allow yourself time to process and accept your loss. I have been dealing with this challenge myself for 15 months. Others on this board have been dealing with this longer than me.

Finally, know that you are not alone. Use your family, friends, the members on this board and other resources to help you along in your grief journey. All of us understand your struggles because we face the same struggles every day. Dealing with your grief one day at a time is very important. Some days will be easier than other days. Hope you find this helpful. I am sure others will be offering helpful advice here, soon. On this board we support each other in our grief journey. We can do the same thing for you as well.

 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, RichS said:

know that you are not alone

Absolutely, it's like a script we all get handed the day they died, shock, bewilderment, disbelief, pretending they're away on a trip, but how long can you do that?  And no matter how long it's been, I've never forgotten, I remember it like it was yesterday although now it's a memory, not the evolved journey I've been on.  We are here for you, we may not be able to fix anything, but we care and we are here to listen.

[Merlin]

Aarya, I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this. I read your whole post and could relate to it so much, my partner passed away when I was 25 years old and at the time of the passing I was on the other side of the world. Also his heart just suddenly stopped! I felt like my whole world just stopped and collapsed. Now 5 years have passed since he passed, and till this day I go through days of grief and sadness. I have changed a lot in the process and life changed of course. I just want to tell you that you are not alone and being in so young age and dealing with this situation is hard but we are here for you ❤ 

[KayC]

Welcome to our forum.  This is a family of sorts, where we come together from al over the world and care about each other.

I'm sure you have learned much in your years since, but I want to leave you with this, no time frame, just suggestions of what may be of use to you.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

Merlin:  Welcome to our board. Even though it happened several years ago, we are sorry for your loss. There are a lot of really nice, helpful people on this board. Please continue to post here.

[Alisond]

On 7/8/2023 at 5:59 AM, Aarya said:

Hi, my name is Aarya. I turned 24 exactly 2 weeks after the love of my life, soulmate, and best friend Bobby passed away - on April 12, 2023. 

Bobby passed away due to a seemingly enlarged heart. He had no symptoms, and was incredibly healthy and happy. His heart stopped while he was playing basketball and I was across the world in another country. We are still waiting for the full ME's report so the information about his heart is from a preliminary report. Doctors we know are assuming HCM or HOCM which is apparently a "silent killer," as the first symptom is cardiac death for the people who show zero signs of the issue...

I'm almost 3 months in and I'm flailing, so I joined this forum as a bleak effort to see how others in my situation feel and cope and think etc.. This is the first loss I have ever experienced. I feel as though I am going to disappear into thin air at any moment and I feel as though I am disembodied and witnessing myself change into a person I don't recognize. I feel like I don't recognize anything anymore and a stranger to my life. I don't understand how grievers are expected to continue on with a life that was not their first or fifth choice. Any life I live now, no matter what takes place in the future, will always be something I had to settle for. I was incredibly happy with myself and our life, that I worked hard for. I know not many people can say that at such a young age but I always told Bobby that he came into my life as a gift from the universe to show me what true love and happiness is, after the other turmoil I had been through before him. Everything in my life was finally falling into place, but of course it was too good to be true. 

Time is my enemy. I do not want time to heal me or for it to change things because the more time goes on means more time without Bobby. He is the purest, happiest soul. Almost annoyingly so. He was always so sure of himself and that life would always work out the way it was meant to, no matter the struggle in between. He was the first and only person whom I literally felt intertwined with, our souls and minds alike. It is a connection that I never thought I would have the privilege to experience. And now it's gone. He was only 25, and passed away 5 weeks after his birthday.

 

Side note (and TW): My first and only other partner (which was toxic, abusive, and completely put me off relationships and men for 5 years until I met Bobby) committed s*icide in October of 2021. We were not in touch, and had been broken up for almost 5 years and completely out of touch for 3 years at that point. Bobby was with me the morning I found out and was so amazing and helpful and supportive, completely gave me the space to grieve and mourn as I saw fit. The only two people I have been with, and loved, are now both gone. I don't know what to make of it. I can't help but feel irrational like I'm not meant to be in love... or question the reason behind this. I know I will never have answers as to why.

I don't know what I'm expecting or want out of writing this.. possibly just an outlet to vent to people who understand this agony. 

I just need Bobby back... this life just doesn't feel worth living without him. And I know he'd hate me saying that. But it's the truth. We were supposed to have our entire lives together.

 Aarya

I can relate to the just wanting your love to come back. I want to text my husband, call him, ask him how his day went.

I too lost my love, my soulmate, and best friend all in one fell swoop. It really hurts.

My husband died unexpectedly while he was working in Alabama and I was in Arizona. I  had to have the cops, via long distance telephone break his door down.

Awful. Just plain awful.

You are not alone in not recognizing yourself. In feeling disembodied. I felt like I  was walking through mud. Knowing that my life would never be the same again and not sure what it should be. Lost. Nothing made or even makes sense. My husband was an amazing man and we were supposed to be together another 19 years. Our life was changing again, finally. In a way we had been working towards when suddenly the rug was pulled out from under me.

What I have noticed, at least for me, that the grief ebbs and flows. I can be ok for days and then suddenly I am not. 

The past week has been very rough. I  am fine and then suddenly I can't stop crying. I cried in church today. I  cried texting someone. I  cried watching a movie. Haven't stopped crying all day. Feel like I  want to jump out of my skin. I  know that things seem to get a bit better. This process is not a straight line. At least more of a zigzag for me.

All that can be done is to try to put one foot in front of another and continue. It sucks, but is possible.

[Aarya]

On 11/3/2023 at 2:46 AM, RichS said:

Arya:  It may be hard to believe, but everyone here knows what you’re going through. Yes, it is difficult to lose the love of your life at such a young age. I thought about that myself the other day: how would I deal with it if I lost my wife 30 or 40 years ago? 
You mentioned that you have family and friends. If they are still very supportive after 6 or 7 months, that is a good sign. Many of us on this board had that support in the beginning; but then over time the support fades away. Yes that does help you only to an extent; and that is why additional support is needed. Things like posting and reading posts on this board, joining a grief group, possibly meeting with a grief counselor for awhile. Reading books and articles on coping with your grief are all helpful.

Yes, keeping busy is also important; but not to the point where you do not allow yourself time to process and accept your loss. I have been dealing with this challenge myself for 15 months. Others on this board have been dealing with this longer than me.

Finally, know that you are not alone. Use your family, friends, the members on this board and other resources to help you along in your grief journey. All of us understand your struggles because we face the same struggles every day. Dealing with your grief one day at a time is very important. Some days will be easier than other days. Hope you find this helpful. I am sure others will be offering helpful advice here, soon. On this board we support each other in our grief journey. We can do the same thing for you as well.

 

Thank you so very much. I had a really griefy, rough week but I had a long weekend off from school which was good and gave me time to properly mourn again. I know that I need to see a grief specialist, but I'm afraid. I feel like if I go it will make this all too real.. but I do know that a lot of people who are grieving say that finding the right therapist was a turning point in their grief journey for the better. Maybe someday soon I will feel ready, but it's too much for me to have to recount the whole ordeal over again and relive his passing. I do find this helpful, for sure. It makes me feel less alone. Thank you. 

On 11/3/2023 at 6:18 AM, KayC said:

Absolutely, it's like a script we all get handed the day they died, shock, bewilderment, disbelief, pretending they're away on a trip, but how long can you do that?  And no matter how long it's been, I've never forgotten, I remember it like it was yesterday although now it's a memory, not the evolved journey I've been on.  We are here for you, we may not be able to fix anything, but we care and we are here to listen.

Thank you so much KayC. Your kindness and support, from you and all of the people on this forum has helped me on my darkest days. 

On 11/4/2023 at 5:43 PM, Merlin said:

Aarya, I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this. I read your whole post and could relate to it so much, my partner passed away when I was 25 years old and at the time of the passing I was on the other side of the world. Also his heart just suddenly stopped! I felt like my whole world just stopped and collapsed. Now 5 years have passed since he passed, and till this day I go through days of grief and sadness. I have changed a lot in the process and life changed of course. I just want to tell you that you are not alone and being in so young age and dealing with this situation is hard but we are here for you ❤ 

Merlin, thank you so much for your response. It's crazy how similar our experiences are! I'm so sorry that life dealt you these cards too. Every time I meet a fellow griever it breaks my heart a little that they also know this sadness. I'm here and would love to talk to you anytime of course as long as its not triggering for you! Thank you again. 

[Aarya]

On 11/5/2023 at 9:47 PM, Alisond said:

 Aarya

I can relate to the just wanting your love to come back. I want to text my husband, call him, ask him how his day went.

I too lost my love, my soulmate, and best friend all in one fell swoop. It really hurts.

My husband died unexpectedly while he was working in Alabama and I was in Arizona. I  had to have the cops, via long distance telephone break his door down.

Awful. Just plain awful.

You are not alone in not recognizing yourself. In feeling disembodied. I felt like I  was walking through mud. Knowing that my life would never be the same again and not sure what it should be. Lost. Nothing made or even makes sense. My husband was an amazing man and we were supposed to be together another 19 years. Our life was changing again, finally. In a way we had been working towards when suddenly the rug was pulled out from under me.

What I have noticed, at least for me, that the grief ebbs and flows. I can be ok for days and then suddenly I am not. 

The past week has been very rough. I  am fine and then suddenly I can't stop crying. I cried in church today. I  cried texting someone. I  cried watching a movie. Haven't stopped crying all day. Feel like I  want to jump out of my skin. I  know that things seem to get a bit better. This process is not a straight line. At least more of a zigzag for me.

All that can be done is to try to put one foot in front of another and continue. It sucks, but is possible.

Alison, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your husband. It feels like a betrayal, doesn't it? Betrayed by life or God or the Universe.. and being far away when it happens seems all the more cruel. Not being able to hold them or say goodbye in their final moments. I feel that way a lot recently. Like maybe if I wasnt halfway across the world and I was at the gym with him when he collapsed, if he heard me begging him to stay and to hold on that maybe he would have survived. Though I know that's not rational I guess..

I have had a very rough week as well. Same as you. We did find out though that there was an employee at the gym who rushed to his side and had prior EMT training, and held him and caressed his face and hair in his last moments and made him comfortable. She quickly realized from her EMT training that it was not a seizure (that's what people at the gym initially described seeing) and was something much more dire, but it had all happened in a matter of seconds. We also found out that they did in fact use defibrillators at the gym before the ambulance arrived, which makes me feel more at ease because I didn't know if he was alone or if people didn't do the correct process at that time. Knowing that they all did exactly what they were supposed to and that they went above and beyond to try and save him makes me feel a little better. Sorry I don't know why I'm rambling on about this.. I haven't had anybody to tell those details and updates to. 

[KayC]

I am so glad you found out he wasn't alone and someone did try to save him.  And you're not rambling, we all go through these questions/answers whether it be months or years...