Numb?

[Trinny]

It's been a month and a half since my boyfriend Cole died. I feel like I've been through denial, anger, bargaining, all of it. However, for the past 2 weeks, I have felt so numb. Like numb to the point where I can suppress my cries and go on in with my days. Now, however, I have begun having panic attacks. my boyfriend died suddenly in his sleep because of a heart problem, and now I think I've convinced myself that I have a bad heart too. I am numb but I am anxious. And since I am numb, I can't figure out why I feel this way. My panic attacks are putting a pause on my life. I can't drive without thinking I am going to faint/die. I really can't do much. but I am in therapy and trying to work through this slowly. I really just want insight on why I am numb now. I've cried a few times and I get waves of missing him, but mostly in my subconscious. I know I love him I know I miss him terribly, but I am not feeling those heavy emotions anymore even though he is my only love. Our love was so raw. He loved me differently. It was like a movie. So maybe I've just convinced myself that what we had was a movie. it was too good to be true so it never happened.

[DMB]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Sudden deaths are hard, as all deaths are.  I am glad you are doing therapy.  The ugly truth of this is, what you are feeling is what a lot of people go through.  The beginning is the worst.  Really.  It's devastating and you will think there is no way through it, but know there are those of here that have been there, and we can try to help, or simply just listen to anything you wish to share.

[KayC]

We go through pretty much everything with loss and no one's journey is the same.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mourning-after/201906/numbed-out-when-feelings-freeze-after-bereavement

[WithoutHer]

@KayCThank you Kay for that article. I have gone through a transition were the intense grieving has begun to feeling numb rather than starting out numb. I've had Alprazolam for quite awhile for previous anxiety issues but my grieving was interfering with me being able to talk to anyone about Vickie without breaking down. So two weeks ago my PCP started me on generic Prozac and Buspirone which I believe has calmed my reactions thinking about and discussing Vickie. I do now have those numb feelings described in the article but mostly attribute the change to the meds but the article helped me assess what is going on with me. And since you have experience with Buspirone and my doctor wants me using it to ween off the Alprazolam I find the two have different effects with anxiety and I understand they work differently but Alprazolam works fairly quickly. Do you think the Buspirone, which needs time to accumulate like Prozac will eventually calm the anxiety also?

[KayC]

Absolutely! My friend and I felt the effects within a day or two, even though it said up to two weeks, but I'd look at what is best long term...Buspirone is mild, I never had any side effects, been on it 15 years.  It's not an SSRI, doesn't numb you or leave you robotic or alter your brain like SSRI's.

[RichS]

Trinny: Welcome to our board. Here you will find  folks who have and are going through experiences similar to yours; and who will listen to you, sympathize with you and offer helpful advice when they can. Please continue to post here.

[Aarya]

Hi Trinny,

I just joined this forum today and I too lost my soulmate suddenly to an unexpected heart problem (according to the preliminary report.. we are still waiting on the full one) almost 3 months ago now. It happened while he was playing basketball. Incredibly healthy.. no symptoms or signs, even went to the doctor for a routine general check up a week before he passed and everything was super normal and healthy. 

I relate to your feelings of anxiety.. panic attacks. I said the exact same thing about our relationship-- that it was too good to be true. I go through two phases cyclically.. immense agonizing pain, crying, screaming; and then complete numbness. I think it is our brains survival method.. to protect us from the inevitable pain. Sometimes I feel more functional when I am in the numb phase, but when I say functional I mean able to bathe, get out of bed, converse with people and eat regularly. 

I am so sorry for your loss and for this pain. I am here if you ever want to chat. I found a website and instagram account @learningaboutgrief / learningaboutgrief.com that acknowledges the pain of "unmarried widows," because I feel like a widow, but I just don't have the marriage license to prove it. (not that we have to prove anything). The author of those accounts lost her soulmates too, so I feel incredibly seen by her and what she writes. Sending you love. 

[KayC]

@Aarya Welcome to our forum.  I am so sorry for your loss, my husband's was much the same, an unexpected heart attack, he lasted two days in the hospital before succumbing to another one.  It was a terrible shock, he had complained of symptoms but his doctor didn't do anything, we didn't know it was heart...that was 18 years ago, he had just turned 51.  I hope you have good support around you.

My heart goes out to you! You've found a caring grief family and want to be here for you.  It helps to read/post as it helps us process our grief.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

Aarya:  Welcome to our forum. Here you will find sympathetic, caring people who will listen to you as well as offer advice, when they can. Please continue to post here.

WELCOME!!