Goodbye R.A.

[Traz]

 Warning: This is waaay too long. 

I know everyone here is grieving the loss of one or both parents. My heart goes out to all of you. I lost my mom in 2019, my brother in 2013 and my dad back in 1998. 

I've come here many times to offer support and to share my own grief. I thank you all for the kindness you've shown. As I write this today, I'm still grieving for my mom and although the pain is not as acute, there are days where I struggle. 

Today is one of those days. I am extremely upset... sad and angry.  Writing helps me express my feelings so I'm not really expecting a response - or anyone to even read this for that matter. 

Something my mom made for me as a little girl is lost, probably forever. I know it might not seem important in the big scheme of things: people are dying in senseless wars, others are struggling to put food on the table and some folks have lost everything in fires or natural disasters. I know I'm  fortunate and I truly am grateful.  

Still, I am upset. My Raggedy Ann doll that my Mom hand made for me when I was little, is missing. I had her for 52 years. She is part of my story. 

My Mom was wonderful with sewing and making things. Raggedy Ann's clothes were all made by her: a little plaid shirt with ruffled sleeves, an apron with blue trim and ruffled little bloomers. She had pale yellow yarn for hair and my Mom drew her a lovely face in indelible fabric ink. As the years went on she was well loved; stained and worn out.

When I was pregnant with my first child, (my daughter) my Mom lovingly restored her to near perfect condition. She gave her to me as a gift.  I was going to pass her down to my daughter and begin a family tradition.

After my mom died, I needed to hold her. The pandemic had just hit and I was finally dealing with my grief after months of numbness. I hugged that doll a lot during the first lockdown.  I thought about my Mom and how I probably never truly appreciated all the work she put into my Raggedy Ann. And then restoring her later so my own child could love her. It makes me heart sick to know she's gone. She brought me comfort, in childhood and during a difficult time of missing my Mom when Covid hit. It hurts because it's another loss. Another connection to my mom gone and she was one of the few things I had left from my childhood. And I also feel like I let my Mom down.

My daughter moved across the country last Sunday and I'm extremely sad over that as well. In addition, she left behind a huge mess in our house that I've been cleaning ever since. That's when I became aware I hadn't seen Raggedy Ann. I started to look in the most logical places, then places I thought well, you never know and then in crazy places - under my bed, in the dog's cage... I looked until 2 am, tearing the house apart in the process. 

How could she just disappear? My fading hope is that my daughter maybe took her out west but she would have asked me first and she wasn't that fond of dolls anyway. I'll wait until she's settled before I ask, but In my heart I know the answer.

I'm thinking she was lost in the chaos that happened from our basement flood in 2021. The restoration company came and boxed up our stuff and put it in storage. They brought it all back after the reno, but I didn't notice anything missing. I just assumed I'd put her in a safe place, long before that. 

I've been really thinking about loss and letting go of the things that have ties to our past or have special meaning. In the end, they are material objects and we can't take them with us when we depart this world. Everything can be taken away in an instant, so maybe we should not get too attached to 'things'?  Maybe I should treasure the memories of her now and all the love that was put into making her.

I also had my wedding set (rings) stolen from me about 20 years ago and had to come to terms with that. (Husband never did buy me new ones, lol) 

My own Mom accidentally threw out her mother's handwritten cook books and family recipes, during a move. She mixed up bags and one went in the trash.  I remember how upset she was. Now I know exactly how she felt.

It's hard to let go of something that links you to positive memories of the past. As I get older, more and more of these links seem to be disappearing. The local swimming pool I spent all my summers at was recently  filled in and sodded over. My primary school that held many happy memories was set on fire and burned to the ground, my middle school - torn down and is now a parking lot beside an insurance company... Can those of you over 50 relate? Do you find it upsetting if a favourite place you have wonderful memories of disappears, gets torn down or paved over? Or do you just accept it? Have you ever lost a treasured item with special meaning? Did you have difficulty letting go? How well do you deal with life's changes?

I need to learn to let go. Stop living in the past and make the most of whatever time I have left. My thanks to anyone who read this all the way through. It was a lot, I realise. 

Take good care. 

 

[Daddys girl kw]

hi dear 

 

ok it was really long but i’m a fast reader lol, i’m so sorry for your loss honey , i’m not over 50 i’m 40 years old .. i can relate to your feeling , i understand how hard it is to lose something from a lost loved one it’s like losing them all over again .. super sad and frustrating….. while i was reading your lovely post i had an idea why not buy toys and gifted to the kids in the orphanage , why not buy anything no matter how small and gifted to a seniors household..or volunteer to help in any place you feel you can do good .. making others  happy always made me feel a bit better and eased the pain of loss and grief in me .. maybe it’ll work for you … alsooo your daughter leaving of course will bring back sad feelings of losing loved ones , you’re doing great just Breath and find your passion …

 

 

may you find peace in your heart ALWAYS ❤️

 

[Traz]

Dear Daddys girl Kw,

Thank you so much for replying. I felt guilty and self-indulgent for writing the post when others have lost much more than 'just a doll.' 

Yet I was so upset at the time, I just needed to express myself and my feelings about it. So thank you for reading it all and responding. What an excellent idea about donating to either a senior's center or to children in need. I love helping people. I need to do more of that, so thank you for that reminder. 

That experience has taught me about letting go. About intangible things: love and memories, as opposed to physical objects. We don't really 'own' anything in this life anyway. My house and it's contents will be sold when I pass. So I am shifting my focus to how I interact with others and my relationships - learning how I can develop more compassion, more empathy and understanding. Those are the things that really matter. 

Thanks again for your kindness and I wish you peace always.

Traz 

[Wandering Soul]

Hi, Traz!

Thank you for your honest, raw post about Raggedy Ann.  I am so very sorry that Raggedy Ann is still missing.  She was more than just a doll.  She was a reminder of the connection you had with your dear mother, a token of love, a representation of fond childhood memories, a source of comfort, and a future family heirloom.  All of those wonderful things are certainly a part of your story and It is completely understandable why you would feel so sad and angry.  

Losing Raggedy Ann sounds like it invoked a bit of fear and triggered maybe even a feeling of loss of control.  

Keepsakes certainly bring comfort.  Sometimes, they even help to alleviate this quiet, underlying worry of forgetting the endearing characteristics of our loved ones who have passed over time.  In some cases, they give us a tiny bit of our loved one back and offer a meager, small sense of control over circumstances in which we have very minimal control.  It makes complete sense why losing such a precious keepsake would make you so upset; I would be upset too.

It must be very difficult letting Raggedy Ann go.  Learning to let go is challenging, but over time it can become freeing, empowering, and even healing.  Sometimes the journey of letting go begins with a wild, unexpected leap of faith.  

This may may not be relatable to your specific experience, but I'll mention it anyway... If we become too attached to our keepsakes, we can (sometimes mentally, emotionally and physically) bind ourselves to them in an unhealthy way.   When this happens, our precious keepsakes can compromise us instead of bringing us comfort.  There's this tipping point and I can't quite describe it...  but I digress.

Your mother's precious memory and love carries on, not in Raggedy Ann, but in your heart, mind, memories and maybe even in some of the recipes you make with love for your family! 

Losing Raggedy Ann may be a personal loss, but it is not a loss of your personal story.  Your beautiful, unique story lives on within you and those who you choose to share it with.  

Tiny steps, my friend.

Wandering

[Traz]

Dearest Wandering,

Thank you so much for your reply. You are wise beyond your years! I love what you said about Raggedy A's loss not being a loss of my personal story. What comes out of these treasured objects is  intangible: meaning, memories,  associations and love. Those are the things we can hold onto. Losing the 'object' clouds our objectivity when the item was particularly meaningful. We become too attached to the 'thing' vs the sentiments and purpose behind it. I am slowly learning to dissociate from that mode of thinking. I know in my heart my mom is up there somewhere, telling me not to sweat it! 

Thank you again dear friend. I sent you an email yesterday, explaining my late reply! 

Been thinking of you!

Traz