Guilt: have I given enough?

[oliveliketheolive]

I had to say goodbye to my poodle Kelly yesterday and I'm heartbroken. She truly was the love on my life. 

She had cancer and even though she went through treatment and we were able to have her stay with us a 8 months longer than expected, it was time to let her go. 

I don't feel guilt about the decision it was obvious that she was ready to leave this life, but almost immediately after I started to feel this guilt about not having been loving and caring enough about her. 

Yes, I put everything into taking care of her: I made sure she was in treatment, monitored her closely to see if she was comfortable. I barely went out anymore, because she was getting older and couldn't come with. I was fine with all of that, she was the center of my life. 

But somehow I feel like the times we spend at home I could've given more attention to her. I struggle to remember if I cuddled her enough. Did she really feel my love? 

I live in a country far away from my family so I had to go through all of this alone. It was difficult for my mental health at times and I guess because of that I spend a lot of time on my phone and laptop. I feel so guilty about that. Of course I cuddled her and talked to her, I loved loved loved her so much. But did I do enough?

All my friends and family say that thinking that way is insane. That anybody could see how happy and content and loved she felt and that my brain is playing tricks on me. I just can't get it out my head though. I hope she felt all the love I had for her. 

Has anybody ever dealt with that? How did you get over that? It feels impossible to me right now. 

[KayC]

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss, it's one of the hardest there are.  Mine felt like when I lost my husband 14 years before.  I lost my soulmate in a dog 8/16/19, his name was Arlie and he was my world, just as yours was.  I also live in the country.

You can rest assured your dog is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[oliveliketheolive]

Thank you for your answer and the reading suggestions. I appreciate your work!

It's gonna take some time to find peace with myself and get used to this new life. I will always miss her. She was a true angel baby. 

All the best to you! 

(attached a picture of Kelly, because she is just too cute to not show her off)

[KayC]

What a beautiful sweetie!

10 minutes ago, oliveliketheolive said:

attached a picture of Kelly, because she is just too cute to not show her off

I agree.

[KayC]

It helped me a lot to write about my dog, you might want to consider it!

 

[oliveliketheolive]

That actually sounds beautiful. I've always been one to journal, so maybe it will help me this time too. Thank you!

[oliveliketheolive]

Also: If anyone is reading this and struggling with the same thoughts, my friend just told me this:

"Even if you were busy with your own issues and occupied with your own thoughts, Kelly always knew you where there. Even when you had to work a lot, you sat on the floor with your laptop to make sure, she could come to you. You built a life where the both of you could always rely on each other, you built a connection that was more than words or cuddles. It was a bond of pure love." 

That helped me to move forward a bit.

[KayC]

I hope you do and it helps you. I gave a copy of it to my sister, now she is also gone.

[AJWCat]

We all feel such guilt when they are gone. But we forget allll the moments we had where we showed them love and spent time. 

I will say that now, I take nothing for granted with my dog and cat after losing my other cat so suddenly. Yes, I have busy days and I can't give a lot of attention but I try to appreciate each day with them - it's a gift.  

[foreverhis]

On 7/2/2023 at 3:02 PM, oliveliketheolive said:

You built a life where the both of you could always rely on each other, you built a connection that was more than words or cuddles. It was a bond of pure love.

That's so sweet and obviously true.  Sometimes we need to be reminded of the deep bonds we built with them.  The thread of love that can never be broken even when we're no longer here together.

I went through guilt with my husband, my soul dog, and his soul cat.  He went through the guilt of both soul pets right along with me.  You're right that it's not just thinking we should have done more, known more, seen more, and somehow "saved" them. 

Our minds go through times we were too busy or tired or distracted to give every moment to them.  The thing is that we're simply human.  We were living life with all the requirements, the ups and downs, that go along with it.  Of course, part of our guilt in going through grieving is looking back and remembering those times we feel we were less than we should have been, when we believe we were inadequate, even though we know in our logical minds that the love, happiness, and good times far outnumbered and outweighed the others.

I'm going to tell you a story I've only told a couple of people.  Not even our daughter knows this.  My husband John had been fighting his cancer for more than a year.  I was exhausted, stressed, and every negative you can think of.  His condition was getting worse.  One morning, we had to get ready to take him for imaging.  The previous several mornings, I'd given him his coffee in an insulated container with a lid (basically, I suppose, an adult sippy cup) because he had been having coordination issues.  That morning he really wanted his coffee in his favorite mug, so I gave it to him that way and reminded him to be careful.  Well, of course, he missed the table and coffee went everywhere (him, the chair, the carpet, the table).  What did I do?  I started crying in frustration and I yelled at him. I mean, I really yelled at him; we almost never yelled at each other over our 35 years and this was one of the worst times. Of course, I helped him clean up and cleaned up everything else.  Then I apologized to him profusely, but I carry that shameful memory with me always.  For a long while, I felt such guilt about it.  Even today, the little stain I couldn't get out of the carpet is a sharp pinch in my heart. 

When I related this to a trusted friend, she reminded me that none of us are perfect.  She asked me how many times through the years I had been kind, caring, comforting, and loving--even during hard times.  We know in our hearts that we do our best, but once our deepest loves have been lost, the nasty demon of guilt tries to convince us that it wasn't enough.  But the best advice I got from multiple people (including our wonderful KayC) is to be as kind and comforting to ourselves as we would be to a friend, to know in our hearts that our love was enough. 

I'm glad you have a friend to help you through this painful time.

[oliveliketheolive]

On 7/2/2023 at 11:16 PM, KayC said:

I hope you do and it helps you. I gave a copy of it to my sister, now she is also gone.

I've been journaling every night before bed and I feel like it brought me closer to her at least in my dreams. Thank you again for this advice! 

[oliveliketheolive]

8 hours ago, AJWCat said:

We all feel such guilt when they are gone. But we forget allll the moments we had where we showed them love and spent time. 

It's crazy how our brain does that. 

8 hours ago, AJWCat said:

I will say that now, I take nothing for granted with my dog and cat after losing my other cat so suddenly. Yes, I have busy days and I can't give a lot of attention but I try to appreciate each day with them - it's a gift.  

I totally get that. I don't have other companions, but it made me reflect on habits in my life differently for sure. I think one of the reasons why I feel so guilty is because I didn't (and still don't) like the way I'm living my life right now. I'm unhappy with myself, because I know I can do better and it sucks that I couldn't give the best version of me to Kelly.

Thank you so much for you answer. It helps so much to hear other peoples' perspective. 

[oliveliketheolive]

6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Our minds go through times we were too busy or tired or distracted to give every moment to them.  The thing is that we're simply human.  We were living life with all the requirements, the ups and downs, that go along with it.  Of course, part of our guilt in going through grieving is looking back and remembering those times we feel we were less than we should have been, when we believe we were inadequate, even though we know in our logical minds that the love, happiness, and good times far outnumbered and outweighed the others.

That is exactly how I feel. I live in Portugal, my family in Germany and with a sick dog I obviously couldn't travel to see them. I went through a rough break up and lost a couple of friends, had some health and financial issues. 2022 an 2023 have definitely my hardest years so far. Logically I know that all of that was a lot and I gave her all the mental capacity I could. But I just wished I could've done more and given her more. She deserved everything. 

I trying to remind myself that Kelly was the kind of dog, that was just happy being there with me. And she also demanded love when she needed it and of course when she came to me I would not turn her away. I guess it's just gonna take some time to remember all the good times as well. 

6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm going to tell you a story I've only told a couple of people.  Not even our daughter knows this.  My husband John had been fighting his cancer for more than a year.  I was exhausted, stressed, and every negative you can think of.  His condition was getting worse.  One morning, we had to get ready to take him for imaging.  The previous several mornings, I'd given him his coffee in an insulated container with a lid (basically, I suppose, an adult sippy cup) because he had been having coordination issues.  That morning he really wanted his coffee in his favorite mug, so I gave it to him that way and reminded him to be careful.  Well, of course, he missed the table and coffee went everywhere (him, the chair, the carpet, the table).  What did I do?  I started crying in frustration and I yelled at him. I mean, I really yelled at him; we almost never yelled at each other over our 35 years and this was one of the worst times. Of course, I helped him clean up and cleaned up everything else.  Then I apologized to him profusely, but I carry that shameful memory with me always.  For a long while, I felt such guilt about it.  Even today, the little stain I couldn't get out of the carpet is a sharp pinch in my heart. 

Thank you for sharing this story with me. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult and exhausting that time must've been. Not everyone has the strength to deal with that. 

 

6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

 

When I related this to a trusted friend, she reminded me that none of us are perfect.  She asked me how many times through the years I had been kind, caring, comforting, and loving--even during hard times.  We know in our hearts that we do our best, but once our deepest loves have been lost, the nasty demon of guilt tries to convince us that it wasn't enough.  But the best advice I got from multiple people (including our wonderful KayC) is to be as kind and comforting to ourselves as we would be to a friend, to know in our hearts that our love was enough. 

I'm gonna try and take that advice with me. Thank you! I owe it to Kelly to work on a better life for myself, so that all she gave me wasn't in vain. 

[KayC]

I am so glad Annie (foreverhis) shared that with you and it helped you.  It's something we all struggle with.

Day before yesterday my neighbor's dog, Sammie, passed.  She was my Arlie's best friend, he died four years ago.  Sammie's owner kicked us off his place a year before Arliie died, we had no idea he'd acquired a new dog and he flung open the door and Molly lunged towards me. Arlie acted protective of me, naturally, not having any idea who this new dog was or it's intentions, Molly reacted to him, and Rich kicked us out.  That ended Arlie and Sammie's playing together (although Rich asked me to go with him to the vet when Molly got cancer, and I did, twice).  Arlie was dying of cancer, Rich knew and never once made the 1/2 block trip to see him.  I can't forgive that, he was Arlie's favorite person next to me.  1 1/2 days before Arlie died, he let me know he wanted to see Sammie...you see I never walked him past Sammie's house anymore because he'd wail and cry so hard, you could hear it clear down the street, it was gut wrenching.  I'd walk him the other direction. Well this time he indicated he wanted to head towards Sammie's.  I took him there, going slowly, stopping for breaks, he was so weak at this point.  (Inwardly I DARED Rich to not allow us on his place!)  We got there and he went through the motions of trying to play, Sammie went along with it, then they hung out under the cedar tree as they used to.  He had to stop and rest several times on the way home. I could have gotten the car but I knew this was something he felt he had to do.  When we got home, he laid on the couch and smiled the rest of the night. He'd gotten to say goodbye to his best friend.

When Sammie passed I mentioned on Mina's post about Arlie making the trek to see Sammie before he passed (Mina is Rich's daughter) and she posted a picture taken of them that day.  I had no idea anyone had taken a picture and don't even remember her being there, but now I have something else to treasure.

Two days before Sammie died, she was at the gate but her dad and her younger (crazy) sister were there and I knew they didn't want Nori jumping the gate, so I didn't go to Sammie as it would be just the catalyst to set Nori off.  I still remember the sad look on her face.  Usually Kodie and I would come give her a treat...I had no idea I'd never see her again.  My heart hurts for that missed opportunity and I can only console myself with the fact that now Sammie is in heaven with Arlie having a great reunion...and maybe just maybe there's a cedar tree for them to lay under.  It still strikes my heart about that missed chance to greet her and give her a treat, but I know she's forgotten and caught up with her reunion with Arlie and her younger siblings that preceded her.