Members goldberry Posted July 2, 2023 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2023 Hi, all. I have a question specific to those of us that made it through year one or more of our loss. Do any of you have any experience or links for feeling like you can't remember very many details of your beloved? I mean day to day stuff. I remember the love, safety, joy and laughs as an overall sense of being under a warm blanket of love. I was married for 20 years, very happily, to my soul mate so its not trauma related. I happen to be a trauma therapist so I know something about that. Yes I can see that the death is a trauma that could impact my ability to remember. I tell myself it's just too painful to feel it all. But I'd like to hear any/all thoughts and feelings from others on this. Blessings. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted July 2, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted July 2, 2023 I haven't had that, but that might be luck as much as anything. In fact it's those day-to-day things I often remember. It's an interesting concept though; I would be curious to hear if it's a thing for others too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Shinka Posted July 2, 2023 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2023 Yes I have that. I'm in year three. It used to worry me and doubt myself, but I feel more relaxed with it now. When I get quiet enough inside some very specific memory comes up and it makes him so alive that it causes major pain and grief. Still I'm grateful for these moments and I do tend to think that we protect ourselves by fogginess, until we're able to handle more and more. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Roxeanne Posted July 2, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 2, 2023 I have him in my mind all the time...but yes he is surrounded by the fog of the time... He is like a dream once i dreamed of... 3 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 2, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted July 2, 2023 It's been 18 years so my life with him, by now, feels like a far away movie I once watched or a dream I had...butt I remember the way I felt when he held me and I melt, it felt the most wonderful place in all the world to be, complete safety and comfort. No, I have not forgotten, none of it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted July 2, 2023 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2023 I'm approaching the 3rd year I lost my wife and there are times when it seems like she's been gone for longer, and then there are times when it seems like last week. She is always on my mind and every day I long for her, sometimes the memories hurt because it's a reminder of what I had, and can't have anymore, at least in this physical realm anyway. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 2, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted July 2, 2023 Yes...left with our memories... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members goldberry Posted July 2, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2023 I think in a way I am interpreting it ad forgetting because, while I do have specific memories, I am still wanting to feel his continuous constant presence and I dont....at least, not yet. I have changed so much of what my life looks like since he died. And I am just wrapping my heart around the fact that his physical presence is gone. 14 months later. So my brain can't seem to accept that this isn't a dream I'll wake from still on some levels. We had a great life and I am so lucky that he had a great death. I assumed because we talked it through so many times that he would kinda pop up like a hologram from Star Trek and be there once he was gone. Like because we knew he was dying and openly spoke of it, that I'd be ready. One of the many, many wqys that I only understood the depth of the loss once he was gone. Because imaginationcant take you to an unimaginable place until you're there. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Brazil Man Posted July 3, 2023 Members Report Share Posted July 3, 2023 On 7/2/2023 at 5:35 AM, Roxeanne said: He is like a dream once i dreamed of.. So true @Roxeanne, so true and sad... 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted July 4, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted July 4, 2023 On 7/2/2023 at 9:27 AM, Sparky1 said: I'm approaching the 3rd year I lost my wife and there are times when it seems like she's been gone for longer, and then there are times when it seems like last week. I have that dichotomy too but rarely mention it because I feel like it should feel like forever because I miss her....if I think it feels like a short time, what does that mean? Then I realized it's just because my concept time of time has been all screwed up since, probably because a part of me never really accepted the loss and accepting how long it's been will make me feel farther away from her. Oh yeah, I'm good at denial. Real good. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BSL Posted July 26, 2023 Members Report Share Posted July 26, 2023 On 7/1/2023 at 8:06 PM, goldberry said: Hi, all. I have a question specific to those of us that made it through year one or more of our loss. Do any of you have any experience or links for feeling like you can't remember very many details of your beloved? I mean day to day stuff. I remember the love, safety, joy and laughs as an overall sense of being under a warm blanket of love. I was married for 20 years, very happily, to my soul mate so its not trauma related. I happen to be a trauma therapist so I know something about that. Yes I can see that the death is a trauma that could impact my ability to remember. I tell myself it's just too painful to feel it all. But I'd like to hear any/all thoughts and feelings from others on this. Blessings. Even, now after over 7 years there are moments when something triggers me and I sit stunned and think, "how is it possible my beloved wife is gone forever and neither I nor our boys will never see her again!" That being said, time has done what we all know and in my case, fear, and that is dull the longing and sadness but also the memories. Last month, as I lay in our bed waiting to fall asleep, I had the realization that I can't remember what it feels like to have her beside me in bed and it made me very sad. As time passes, our life together, 25 years of marriage seems like another lifetime or even another life or a dream. Did it really happen....? I hate it when I try to remember something, a family vacation for example when the boys were young and I can't recall but I know my wife would remember and I can't ask her. So, after all this time, I think we still just have to live each day as it unfolds. Bill 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 26, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted July 26, 2023 I haven't forgotten anything, I remember him like it was yesterday, yet it feels like a far away movie I once watched... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members William M Posted July 26, 2023 Members Report Share Posted July 26, 2023 On 7/26/2023 at 4:03 PM, BSL said: Even, now after over 7 years there are moments when something triggers me and I sit stunned and think, "how is it possible my beloved wife is gone forever and neither I nor our boys will never see her again!" Oh my God. THIS! I'm in year 2 and this happened just yesterday. I must still be in a fog, and somewhat blocking it. I guess I stay concentrated on what I need to do. and how I can go on, and then out of no where it just creeps in Bam. It's extremely raw, and I'm like you, stunned, that this has really really really happened. I'm never going to get to see or talk with her again.It feels much like those first few horrific hours of disbelief. I then somehow quickly block it out again till the next time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shawnt Posted July 27, 2023 Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2023 I think that is the answer, all the memories and feelings are there but we have trained our thinking to turn away when it is painful, it protects us because you can't live in that agony for to long, it wears you down and you can't function. And then out of the blue you have a clear as day , like it just happened memory and I am back on my knees staggered by the enormity of the loss. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 28, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted July 28, 2023 Sim, that is how I am feeling, even all these years later. Only no dreams anymore... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shawnt Posted July 28, 2023 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2023 I dream a lot, my grandfather died more than 50 years ago when I was a child and he still shows up. My sweet wife almost nightly, some are good , some are sad, some are terrifying. I don't think they mean anything but I do like seeing her even if it isn't real. back to the point of this thread. I am starting to see a new therapist about thinking and grief. I am required in my business to solve problems and think deeply. + that's how I manage my life. What's happening now is I think about something and then I remember something and then I daydream and every thought leads to pain, which I then stop. In the process I have stopped thinking about whatever solution I may have come up . I need to learn a new way to think, but I do not want to lose any connection to her; as painful as it is sometimes I cherish it. Sorry no solutions just sharing my path and realizing that we are all trying in our own way. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 28, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted July 28, 2023 I'm on a sleeping pill as I didn't get enough sleep for years so I welcome it, butt it means I never remember dreams...but I rarely got one of George before. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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